Feeling low

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by rinovatio, Jul 3, 2015.

  1. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Just as the subject says, feeling quite low and I guess I just need to let it all out. Meds are somewhat effective, but still has sometimes this drawbacks, where every thought sinks to the lowest level, plus this schizo (fortunately for me it's on a low level, as in I know that I'm nuts but not that crazy) stuff is still remaining and sometimes takes me over. And before you think that maybe therapy or increasing meds will held, then it's all been done in the past. Every time, just increasing or changing them, plus side effects... argghhh... And the point of all of it... still don't see the light at the end of the tunnel, still wandering around in that darkness...
    Quite strong desire to just quit all of it, therapy, meds and the life itself... but for some reason I'm still clinging to this pathetic existence, not for my sister, the only family I've left, but some unknown reason...
    Maybe... I don't know, strange... why, what, when, all this questions come every day and usually they are just left unanswered...
    Hmm... wrote this crap and still being on that dark side... I guess it's true, that there is no magic pill for any of this...
     
  2. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Hmm... no response, so typical of me...
    But maybe all of it was written just so nobody understood, what I was saying... Seems to be same way as in life, I'm talking and everybody is just listening to the noise I'm generating and really they just don't listen... Quite rarely happen to finish my speech, before someone interrupts me... I guess it doesn't matter, whether virtual or real, still all stays the same way...
     
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I have no magic cures or pills but wanted to let you know I read this and I care :hugs: Keep talking and letting it all out!!
     
  4. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Tnx for the reply :)
    Feeling quite better today, less of this darkness lurking around. Hopefully stays that way for a bit longer than a few days.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are welcome and so glad you are feeling much better today :hugs:
     
  6. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Well... I think I shouldn't written, that I was feeling better, because now this darkness came back and remained for quite some time... And yet again all this dark thoughts are there and won't leave... Damn, don't know what to do, one time it's all ok and feeling great, the next moment all this sorrow come around...
    Argghh, no magic pill for me... why the hell is this happening to me... over a year being on AD's and bunch of other meds and still feeling like crap, and usually it is said that in the summer, with the sun, mood should be better, and yet it's the worst time for me, several months ago, this dark thoughts didn't come around so frequently like now... Maybe tomorrow... who knows... I may feel better...
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi agaig,

    Sorry you are still struggling, what do you usually do when this happens to you? What is the weather like there in Estonia now? Are you near the beach or a park or anywhere you can go to gather your thoughts and try to win down. I hope you feel better again soon :hugs:
     
  8. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Nothing really special, this happens no matter what I do, today I did some renovation at home and after I was done, and I was in quite good mood, and after several hours has been passed, then this wave just came over...
    At the moment the weather is bit cloudy... maybe you're right and I should go for some walking, maybe this pass... however from previous experience I know that this sorrow is usually happens, when I'm not doing something and my thoughts are wandering around and go to the past...
     
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Yeah you need to keep your mind occupied all the time, even if it's just playing a game online to painting, anything you can do to take your mind away from the dark thoughts, maybe write a poem,story or even your life story. We have a chat room here too so if you feel like chatting in real time just pop in :)
     
  10. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    That's the problem, is that I can't think of any reason of thing to be occupied with, every thing I start, is left undone, like my life, it's too tempting to just quit it. Today again is a very crappy day... Sorrow and emptiness took me over and now I'm just sitting and wandering around in my past, trying to find a reason why this all happening to me... Was it something I done in my previous life, that now I'm being punished for, or someone's cruel joke to be existing in this pathetic existence, which is called life. See no reason whatsoever for any of this...
    Fortunately or maybe unfortunately I don't possess at the moment those easy quitting tools and I'm left is the choices between bad and worse... and no matter where I turn, misery awaits me...
     
  11. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Back again... This time it came back and brought friends along... God damn it, I hate it and everything and everyone and especially me... I think the main source of all of my problems is me, so reasonable conclusion to this fact would be, that it should end... That freaking pain inside and this thoughts in my head is getting more louder and heavier and it's just too tempting too end it all... "Luckily" just carving myself seems to release it a bit, but not entirely, still this nagging darkness is present... I want to quit, even if it's just for a moment... although...
    Yeah pretty freaking day... now what? I don't even know... to continue this pathetic existence? Is it worth it, to feel like crap most of the days? Or it would be better if it ended... for the sake of a few persons who are still around me... It used to be easier to hide it, because they didn't know what kind of darkness was surrounding me, but now they know and they seems, at least for me, to a care a bit about my condition...
    Darkness... it's all I have left nowadays... no matter what I do, no matter where I go, it follows me...
     
  12. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Death, it's all I'm thinking of right now or maybe just to silence all my thoughts... Carving won't help, glooming won't help, the only thing I've left, is the music, which is keeping me at bay and won't let me do crazy stuff... although it's very tempting... But yeah, death is lurking nearby and calling with it's sweetest voice and throwing arms around, like some old fellow, who hasn't seen for ages... I'm trying to think of any reason to keep going, but cannot think of anything that would be a worthwhile... But maybe... I don't know... maybe... who knows... trying to keep it together...
     
  13. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    I don't understand why I'm being punished, is it something I did in my previous life? Or something I did or didn't do in current life... Do I have to die to level this mistakes? Maybe I would be "happier" if I would know what I have to do, to get rid of this feelings... But I guess I'm not that lucky.
     
  14. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    I'm just so f@cking tired... all the time only one thing wanders in my mind and it's that I've to end it all... "Fortunately" there is an event coming in e few days, which I've been waiting for several months and strangely this still keeps me from doing something stupid... Yet I wonder will it be enough? Or what will happen after it, will I be able to keep myself occupied with something, rather than meeting my end? But even I will be able to get a grip for some time, who says that I won't do it in the future and looking from my previous experience, then it's quite high chance that this thoughts and desire will be present. In that case, does it really matter if it happens today, tomorrow or next month? Ahh... f@ck it, don't mind me... maybe this pouring out will be enough, who knows...
     
  15. rinovatio

    rinovatio Member

    Once again feeling empty inside...Damn I hate this feeling or maybe not, strange all about it, I crave for sorrow and yet I don't know what to do with it... Maybe meds finally kicking in, so I don't feel depressed, but this emptiness and darkness won't leave me...
    Yet again small and pointless post to this thread... I don't know what to do with myself... I don't know what I want to do with my life... I don't even know if I want to live... Everything seems so pointless...
    Arghh never mind me, maybe I'm just venting myself... plus it seems that damaging myself helps in some strange way as in some kind of escaping from this pathetic existence.... (Un)fortunately I still have people around me, or rather one person, who cares about me and my being... and I don't want to disappoint or cause pain, but still this nagging cry won't leave me...