Feeling real low. I thought I was doing a little better and wasn't thinking about suicide much. Then a few days ago I accidentally left the gas burner on (I give you my word I didn't do it on purpose) and didn't realize until a neighbor smelled it. I have a carbon monoxide detector that would have gone off if it had actually gotten to a dangerous level, so even if my neighbor hadn't said anything it would have been ok. I would have caught it in time. I turned off the stove and opened all the windows when I realized,. you know, took care of myself and the cat, made sure we were both safe. So that's good. And it was ok, I never felt sick or anything, and I did the right thing in making sure the gas was off and the windows were open for a little while. so it wasn't really a huge deal, but... But then feelings came up later that night, when I was trying to sleep. That night, I started thinking about death. The gas thing became a trigger of sorts, and all of a sudden I was feeling real depressed that I was still alive I started thinking about hurting myself. I realized i still have the desire to die in me. Since then I can't stop thinking about different ways to hurt myself and how wonderful and peaceful death would be. . It's ;like I had been ok but that incident started me thinking about suicide all over again. I even called a suicide hotline the next night and talked to them. I dont' want to hurt my friends, but I want to die. It's a bad way to feel....Its hard. I know my friends care, that's the thing. I don't want to hurt them. Yet I still wish I could get away from the emotional and physical pain. I just feel so down. I dont' intend to act on any suicidal feelings tonight, but I just feel so down. I hope things get better. I am in a lot of physical pain as well as emotional because of the RA (rheumatoid arthtritis- I wrote about that in my last post ) I have. Pain can really wear you down.