Feeling myself inching closer

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by falco5051, Aug 8, 2009.

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  1. falco5051

    falco5051 Member

    Hello to all:

    Having been a liar and cheat for virtually all my adult life, I now face immediate and devastating consequences of my evasions and fraudulent behavior. And true pathological coward that I am, I now find myself spasmodically lurching toward ending my life to avoid facing those consequences. I am broke, behind in bills and rent and will soon face imminent homelessness. I have lied to friends and effectively stolen from them in the sense that I've borrowed money that I have no prospect of repaying. I have a "job" that I work out of my home, but have been unable to do it for the past 8 months due to anxiety and chronic depression. I have no idea whether my depression is due to chemical imbalances in the brain or just a chronically bad attitude and correspondingly bad behavior. I have asked another friend for a short-term loan but he is effectively avoiding me for the moment and I think his answer will be no. I truly feel that his "no" or continued silence will be the snapping of the rope for me.

    I have no close family so nobody is really going to be hurt by me checking out. My mindset veers between immersing myself in pure fantasy as an escape to an absolutely molten white-hot self-loathing. The self loathing leads to a feeling of "you reaped what you sowed....ending your life would be pure justice for a wasted, corrupt and empty existence."

    Sorry for the ramble....I am sitting here in the dark just blurting things out. Dunno how long I'll be around.....but thanks in advance for anyone who reads.

  2. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Falco, have you thought about just telling everybody the truth and apologising?
    We've all done things we aren't proud of, myself included. Sometimes that can be the best way, but please do not take your life over this.

    Are you taking any sort of medication? Have you told your Doctor how you are feeling?
    You never know, your friends may understand and empathise and even take you in if things should become really bad, rather than seeing you out on the street. Not all people are bad and there might be somebody out there who would understand if only you told them the truth and admit you messed up and never meant to hurt anybody.
  3. falco5051

    falco5051 Member

    Thank you for your response.

    I am not on medication, or under any sort of counseling. I have the financial capacity for neither. I have toyed with making a full confession both orally and in written form to all those I've deceived, it would be the right thing to do no doubt. But I have a weak, vaccillating and deeply narcissestic character. I lack the courage to do the right thing on a day by day basis.

    Your right, not all people are bad. Indeed most of the people in my life have been good and caring individuals who have cut me slack and given me opportunities that I've wasted.

    There was a great line from that mid 80's film "Wall Street". I am probably paraphrasing but it went somthing like "A man finds himself staring at the abyss, nothing staring back at him. At that moment a man finds his character, and that is what keeps him out of the abyss" I find myself at the precipice of the abyss now, but I find no character, no backbone, no compulsion to change. All I find is fear and panic laced over with passionate self hatred. My growing desire to die is at least partially driven by the feeling that I deserve to die....for the crime of a totally wasted life. You reap what you sow.

    Once again, I thank you for your kind response.

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Can you not just go to a hospital to sign in for awhile to get the councilling you need and meds you need to get stable. Talk with someone you trust and get their help in letting others know you difficulties financially and emotionally don't do this on your own get some help okay
  5. falco5051

    falco5051 Member

    Mary, thank you for your kindness.

    I live in the states and lack insurance hence walking into a hospital for mental help or meds simply is not possible for me. There are state run counseling centers in the area but they have suffered massive budget slashing recently and are turning away established patients let alone accepting new ones.

    I acknowledge I need help, that I can't do it on my own. That’s why I found this forum and also why I've talked to the suicide prevention hotline multiple times over the past week. I also acknowledge that the help I need is of a professional nature. I have no idea whether I have a chemical imbalance in the brain or just need cognitive therapy to combat decades of bad attitudes and zero self esteem. I almost wish it were the former in the sense that it would give me something more concrete to contest with the help of anti-depressants {though I fully understand that anti-depressants are not miracle pills and take weeks to work if they work at all}

    I don't know if I'll make it out of this immediate short-term crisis. I had an acquaintance years ago that shared much of the same emotional and behavioral issues that I do. His situation was exacerbated by intermittent drug abuse {I neither drink nor use narcotics}. Although he never seemed overtly suicidal, one day after an argument with his brother, he stormed out of a dorm room and hanged himself in the lobby. I feel I am in that mindset,...the desire to die to escape immediate turmoil that may suddenly engender a sudden attempt.

    Again, thank you for listening. Bye for now.

  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I would hope when it gets to that point you can remember what your friends action did and how it affected his brother and family. At that moment where your thinking is clouded my depression and pain call for help please. call the crisis line then and tell them you need help and why. By all means come back here and talk with us because we all know what it is like to be at the point of not wanting to go on where the pain is overbearing. Please remember this feeling of intense pain will go away will lessen you just have to fight through it by talking here to crisis to anyone but don't give in to it. Death is final and there is no hope for change and each day brings a new chance for a new beginning it does please hang in there okay
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