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Feeling numb to the world and not caring if I live or die

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I've been depressed about my job, dealing with loneliness, low self-esteem, turning 30 later this year and not being where I thought I would be in life, my body (even though I've lost a lot of weight, I still have a long way to go), not having the courage to come out to my family and friends, and just feeling like I'm in a rut and wondering what my purpose in life is.

I have my ups and downs, but lately, I feel like I'm on autopilot and just going through the motions. Ive just been feeling numb to the world. I realize I have been intentionally isolating myself from a lot of people because I really don't like showing my downside to people because I feel like I'm being a burden and hate being a killjoy. I haven't been as sociable as i used to be, so I've been dealing with loneliness all on top of this.

Generally, I haven't had a happy life and there are many times when I feel like I don't care if I live or die. I've been thinking really deep, dark thoughts. I called a crisis center the other day to talk about what I'm going through.
While that helped me a bit, I know I am going to have to seek a licensed professional in order for me to sort things out and figure out how to get myself mentally back in order.

I know that being honest about my sexuality will definitely be a part of this process. I'm just now coming to terms with it now relatively late in age. I grew up in a conservative, homophobic family, so I already know this is going to be an issue. I really never got along with my dad, so I know that he won't react well, and I don't know how my mom will take it either. He was a minister for many years. It was conflicting for me as a child because he acted one way in front of church people and act another way when he was 'off the clock.' Having to act a certain way in front of people for years in order to keep up with a bullshit image did help me in terms of holding things in but has taken a mental toll on me in many ways. I no longer live in the same city as them, so that has helped me in terms of having an identity of my own. However, not being honest with myself and hiding who I am has been really eating away at me and not knowing which way to go or what to do next. It's been getting pretty bad lately.

I've looked up <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> and thinking of plans in my head as to if and when I plan on something. I would rather go to therapy and figure this all out, but at the same time, there are days when I just want to go hide in a corner and end it all.


Staff Alumni
Welcome, noelb. :hug: I can sort of understand where you're coming from, as I live in a southern, ultra-conservative state. Take good care of yourself. With kind thoughts... Mr. A


Well-Known Member
I feel with you man, I am pretty much in exactly the same situation. I am at my late 30's, very isoloated, feeling down most of the time, dropped out of my second bachelor...but I will try to enjoy my last time on earth...what about you, do you have anxiety or just depression? If you dont have anxiety maybe try to find a hobby where you find other people with the same interests?
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