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Feeling of hopelessness

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadhart, Feb 23, 2012.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    I already wrote today so I feel bad for doing so again. It is apparent that things are not going to get better and this is already turning out to outdo 2010 as one of the worst years of my life. Aside from the bullshit from my family, not having a job or money, not being in school or seeing a way to ever finish college, and just all around life sucking, I got an email from my therapist. She is nice and all, but aside from asking me how im doing, she was wondering when she can cash the check from my last session...which was last march. so much has happened since, including my bank account being closed.

    I told her i was sorry, and that i am trying to make an effort to do so. what i didn't tell her is that i want to kill myself because i am sick of this shit. last thing i need right now is to be locked up somewhere and still feel like shit with nothing getting better. i dread her response, but i wish since i don't have the courage to take my life, then i had some alcohol. I have gone almost three weeks and now i have had it.

    and my family, as i have said in other posts, i am done with their bullshit hypocritical mess. they hold my shortcomings over my head and don't appreciate anything that i do around here. i have to sneak in the kitchen just to get food because i get nagged at. im sorry for opening up like this, but im done trying to make sense of this shit.
  2. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I feel you. I feel hopeless too. I had a girlfriend this summer, my first relationship in 4 years. Weve known each for over 10 years and she got drunk and said she loved me. I called her out and she said well I think I really do love you. Well, it's been 6 months since she broke up with me over a text message, we haven't spoken since. I can only imagine how many guys shes been with in that time, yet here I am, not a days gone by I haven't thought of her. I haven't kissed a girl, let alone had sex with one since then. All I want to know is why, and when I asked this girl who said she loved me why she had to break my heart, she had her friend text me and tell me she needed space but still wanted to be friends... So much for that.

    I moved 2 states away. Not 1 person from my past wants anything to do with me. I haven't met a girl, what's even more pathetic is I tried online dating and still haven't met a girl through that. Even with help. I don't know why I care so much, but I can see myself getting desperate, feeling desperate. Every guy on the dorm floor has a girlfriend, friends, a home to go to, and I'm just stuck, never sleeping at night, 6 hours away from a home I don't even want to go back to (for more reasons than the girlfriend thing), 21 years old with 3 more years to go in college. I feel like giving up all the time. I even joined a club, but i can't even bring myself to talk to the girls in it.

    I think about just killing myself. I wrap blankets around my neck and wish I had the balls to not let go. I think about going back to the knife. Ha, it's funny, the court system told me all my problems were drug and alcohol related and here I am, a month sober, and nothing has changed. At least I was having fun back then.

    Fuck it.
  3. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    If I tell you not to give up and to have hope at this time, then I'm saying it out of envy and probably lying a little too. I will say, that I'm sorry that things aren't going great in your life. I'm going to find the courage to end my life this year, because i don't have the courage to keep living with all this hurt and guilt. No one cares, not my family, not people like the girl I will never get over apparently, especially not God. I don't want to live anymore because it is too much. And no, im not going to some stupid emergency room in case someone says that....better to be in pain but not locked up in some place hurting.
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