I've been managing ok since october when I started back at university again. I love(d) the challenge of academia which kept me busy. I even got my exam results yesterday - I'm on course for a 1st class degree easily. But it just strikes me that all that work I did to get this far, all those days in the library when I wished I was out doing fun stuff, it was all for some numbers on a piece of paper. Learning used to always be my thing, my place in the world to excel. And I liked that. Now I feel like none of it matters. There are zero graduate jobs that I actually want to do. No matter how good a job may seem at the end of the day it will still be 'a job'. 99% of people don't like getting up in the morning... So why do we all bother?! I don't really know what I'm expecting from this as feeling this way makes me cynical and disbelieving of anything everyone else says. So I will probably scoff at any replies, which I am sorry for. Maybe the only reason is that I've been researching social sharing at uni so supposedly this should help... It's so hard to explain to people that for the last few months when on the whole I haven't been depressed, that the thoughts "life is pointless" and "it would be easier to die" etc were still there. Just in a less emotional form. If someone had given me the chance to push a button to choose not to live anymore I am certain I would have, even on an ok day. I don't know who to talk to anymore about feeling this way. I have my friends and boyfriend but when I discuss suicidal feelings I feel as though they aren't too worried because I say I haven't got plans and that I don't think I'd ever have the guts to do it in case it didn't work. But the fact that I won't do it is all the more horrible for me, because it means I'm stuck here. Forever. I feel like believing suicide could be an option would be comforting in some way. I don't know if I've explained that well. Has anyone ever felt the same? Knowing my depression is (relatively) mild sometimes hurts because I feel like I need to play it up to get enough attention. I function well, so everyone assumes I'm fine, when really the Un-fine-ness is all inside.