I'll be 60 in a few weeks, but it feels more like 80. Spent the past 20 yrs surviving cancer, but losing my health and my life as result of treatment. I could amaze you with all of the adventures in healing I undertook, but failed to get results from. I'm tired. I'm ill. I'm poor. I'm alone. My resources both financial and physical are gone. I do have an 86 yr old mother still living. Living in the poshest senior community in town thanks to a generous inheritance from my dad. She spends thousands upon thousands of $s on QVC, and then leaves her "toys" out in the hall when she tires of them, for the lovely staff to take home. (after displaying them to me of course.) She was always truly crazy...more so now. Her last child, I was born into the role of supporting her emotionally in her madness, and she still demands that of me every day. Just as when I was a child, I don't dare cross her, or ignore her, or put myself first because she does contribute a small amount to my survival. If she contributed 1/4 as much as she does to QVC, I probably wouldn't be writing this. I do have one son. Our life was also a horror story. I was a teenager in 1969 in a small southern town and his father was black. (I'm not) It was a time of hatred and violence both within my family and the community we lived in. Hatred and violence toward myself and my unborn son. We were separated at his birth, reunited in time for his teens and he had a very rough time of it, eventually prison. I abandoned my own life and got him through the troubled years, so he is now I am happy to say well employed, married, homeowner, two beautiful daughters...but his own life is the struggle we have created as a society just to get them through. The home and life I have been walking like a tightrope has become unsustainable. I have the smallest possible disability that Social Security can pay, because I worked as a bartender for 25 yrs, so my tiny paid salary didn't pay in enough to gain much in the way of benefits. Medicare and Medicaid *sigh* where I live I can no longer find doctors who will see me. I have one doctor left and he has been my doctor since 1990, watching all of this happen to me. I am fortunate to have him and he cares about me but there is only so much a GP can do. He tries to refer me out for needed tests and treatment, but thanks to the wisdom of the GOP all doors just slam in my face now. 10 yrs ago, I could get the care I needed...but that was 10 yrs ago. Diagnosed with FM after chemo when the horrible pain/fatigue/constant infections set in, I now have a positive ANA test which signals autoimmune disease, but no Rheumatologist in my area will accept my Insurance to diagnose and treat...whatever it is. I can't afford to pay around the Insurance. I can't afford food and clothing. The 30 yr old trailer I live in is falling aprt around me (literally/structurally) and I can't afford repairs. My body is a torture chamber, I won't bore you with the details, and after years of pain, isolation and abject poverty...I'm just finished. I don't want to wake up in the morning and when I do it is into so much suffering...when we have animals as pets that suffer this way, we do them the kindness of euthanizing them. In some states you can be fined for keeping an animal alive in half as much suffering as I must endure every day. I have talked with my son and his wonderful wife and they always say that when I lose my home (soon) I will stay with them...but I know that taking me in would destroy their own chance at a decent life, and the stability and happiness I gave up everything to help my son gain would be destroyed by both the expense and the presence of an old, sick, woman. They would be stuck with my care/feeding/medical. They can't afford that. Stuck with me in their life, which face it (I can) no young couple needs. I would be stuck in their tiny unfinished basement. I can't do that. I can't allow that. It's just the end of the road, and up until 5 yrs ago, it was a pretty glorious road. I fought hard and won many things, but now they are all gone and so is the strength for another battle. So is the strength to move from one room to another most days. There's no more road now, and I want to leave this ruin of a body and life before I either find myself sitting in the street in this condition, or drain my son and his family's resources because...what reason is there to take what they need to give their own girls a decent chance in life, and throw it into the bottomless pit of pain and expense this old woman's life has become? Just to wake up and endure another torturous day? Just to prove I am not a "coward?"