Feeling overwhelmed (again)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sadhart, Jan 24, 2016.

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  1. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    So I have said in the past that I stay at a recovery house for alcohol. in my apartment there, i am what is known as a house senior. i don't like being a house senior, but that's the way it has to be for now. Last week I had n argument with one of my housemates. Even though this housemate has been in the program for sevral months, he has not much done much in the way of recovery. On my part, I approached him, upset over what i fet him being arrogant and passive aggressive over cleaning the apartment, which he seems to do every so often if for no other reason than to justify his continued laziness. I'm not explaining all of this right, but I haven't talked to him since last week, mainly because he has a third shift job and I left to spend the weekend at my aunt's house. But now I have to go back. I'm not too worried about having to deal with him.....I think the matter may (or may not) be in the hands of the director's of the program, who have noticed the housemates lack of effort in his recovery as well.

    But I'm just feeling so burnt out from being there. I want to move out of there soon, but I don't think it's possible.

    As I said before, I visited my aunt and mother for the weekend. But I feel depressed. My aunt is 92 and while she still gets around okay, i don't know if i am ready to deal with the inevitable. My other has multiple sclerosis. I worry that it will get worse out of the blue someday. I struggle to be close to them and others in my family.....I love them, but there is some resentment that is hard to get into at this time. There is also guilt too.

    I am 22 months sober and i want to be happy, but with current stuff like my jackass housemate and also just constantly having a hard time letting go of past hurts, I don't think i will ever really be happy. Sorry if none of this made sense.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It all made a lot of sense. While I am no expert on addiction recovery the serious contemplation of the future while continuing to consider what is needed to ensure your sobriety is maintained is a great sign of being ready for that future. I am not sure you will really feel real happiness until this long and very impressive process of recovery is not a daily reminder of the difficult past. But when you are ready to move out and you can start to see something outside the recovery house besides the past then you might start to understand something else really does exist besides your past. I really do believe in you. I have read your posts for years now and the difference in now from years ago is amazing. You may not see your own strengths but it is very clear to me as an observer and I do believe your efforts will payoff.
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You tried but maybe it is best to leave it to the director if they too have noticed lack of effort on his part. What is stopping you from moving out at the moment? Best advice I can give is to just ignore him for the time being and create some space between you. Try not to get worked up over him and keep building on recovering from the events in your past. I hope you are wrong and that you are able to feel happy someday. Congratulations on 22 months.
  4. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Well, the director's the program "handled" it by slapping him on the wrist. They may as well as literally done so, because nothing really got resolved. What amazed me was that he flat out told them that he wasn't working on anything and on top of that, these guys usually go apeshit on people with people who have a high program fee balance (rent) and are not following the guidelines of the program at the same time. But somehow, they really didn't say or do much. He apologized on his part and I said sorry for how I approached him. But I don't think anything will change on his part. I try to avoid going to the office, because I have never felt comfortable talking to the director's and last night was no exception. There I was, trying not to lose my cool at one point, freezing because it's so bloody cold and one of the director's hands me a parfait. I almost threw it on the floor at one point because of something my housemate said that was inaccurate. So...I give up trying to deal with him and I'm tired of this program.

    I am ready to move, but I don't think it's possible for various reasons. One, I don't have a good credit score and two even if I do get a place my fear is not being able to afford to pay for it each month. I am afraid of not being able to handle those responsibilities. I have been very depressed all day about this and some other stuff.
  5. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Jumpmaster. I guess some of my outlook in life has changed since I first got here. I just hope any progress I may have made so far will not be in vain.
  6. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    At the end of the day, he's hurting his own progress by not following the program. You did what you could to help and if the director is giving unecessary lee way then that is only going to further hinder his progress.

    To be honest there is not much you can do about a shitty housemate if you have already tried talking and it doesn't seem to get through to them. Best thing is to get out as soon as you can. Do you have a source of income at the moment? Perhaps you will have to put up a while longer while you can build up some savings and then you can find a different place. I'm sorry this is making you depressed.
  7. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Yes, I have income in that I work. It's not just the one housemate, but it's just that what happens in a recovery house you just have this revolving door of new housemates because someone eventually gets kicked out or leaves after a few weeks and then you end having to deal with some new person and their personality which isn't easy to do.
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Alumni

    Sadhart, congrats on being sober for so long. It is a fantastic accomplishment. My brother went through the process over twenty years ago and is a totally changed man. He had to leave all of his old friends behind as they were a bad influence. Do you have any new friends you can spend time with? Maybe rent their couch for a while? It seems like it would be important to get away from the influence of your current location. Any hobbies to get active with? To take you away from the stress of where you are now, even for a few hours? Is Alcholics Anonymous or a similar group available to you? To this day, my brother finds them an important source of support. And they might be able to help you find another place to live.

    I hope you are absolutely proud of yourself for what you have accomplished so far. You should be! Please keep up the most excellent work.
  9. sadhart

    sadhart Well-Known Member

    Thank you. Even though I am growing tired of dealing with the recovery house and the stress there, it does still provide a safe sober living environment (mostly). I now that I have to be patient in looking for a place in the meantime. And yes, I go to AA meetings....the problem is that I struggle to fully embrace it. Even when I was drinking I had a hard time socializing and it's even harder now. Today at a meeting, everyone was laughing and feeling good ( or said they did at least) but I just felt really depressed. I wanted to open up to my sponsor more, but I end up holding back. And it's hard to have much free time nowadays to do the things I enjoy. I guess that's a good thing that I'm working or going to meetings and stuff, but sometimes I just don't feel like I have any real time to myself especially when I have to share a place with other people. Sorry for being all over the place with this, but I'm having a hard time trying to say how I feel right now without making it seem like I'm total hopeless.
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