Please forgive any spelling errors. I am new to using the iPhone. I am not new to forums however. I hope to find some help here. I am struggling. Is it normal to be jealous like this? Jealous of the dead? Jealous of those who commit suicide? I don't know why I feel this way. I have for about 10-15 years now. I have I diagnosed depression. I know I have it. It's beyond obvious. I didn't want to be on meds. I heard what they're like and what they do. I don't want that. I wanted to try to get through this myself, but it's obvious I can't do that either. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I've read so much about depression. I don't know everything there is to know, but I know a lot about it. Learning about Robin Williams death hit me hard. I'm trying to grasp reality and gather things from articles and blogs about suicide. Maybe in an effort to avoid that Fate myself. But... I'm met with frustration and confusion just like is always have been when bad things happen. To give a bit of backstory to the past couple months I've had. I am 25. My dad walked out on his family in May. He decided one day that we hate him and didn't want him around anymore. He has limited the money he gives us, and blames is whenever things go wrong. My mom can't work. She is disabled and can't walk very well. I have an entry level job on the aviation industry. I make an entry level salary yet work my ass off. I have found myself trying to support my now 4 person family with my salary and only 300 dollars a week from my father. All while battling the depression I've had since I was 10. I don't know of I have a right to complain. There are countries at war, people in poverty, etcetera. I put on a face to people I see everyday. Some days I'm ok. Other days, like today I'm falling apart and don't know what to do or where to turn. I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed like this, and it upsets the friend that tries to help me. It upsets my mother because her sister committed suicide 15 years ago... It's all over the news. I read the news because I try to keep up with current events. But, I'm overwhelmed. So overwhelmed. Does anyone have advise?