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Feeling overwhelmed

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Lostfoundandlostagain

Lostfoundandlostagain

To Live... That is the adventure
#1
#1
Lately I've been battling thoughts and desires to end it. I know exactly how I would do it. I spent some good time with kids yesterday which helps clear my head but also made things harder in some ways. I feel trapped. Even if I end it I know I won't be free. It will just increase and solidify everyone's pain. I want these thoughts out of my head. I wish i could get rid of this pain or at least figure out how to deal with it better.
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#2
#2
Sorry that you're feeling so bad.

Lostfoundandlostagain said:
I wish i could get rid of this pain or at least figure out how to deal with it better
Click to expand...
Maybe we could figure something out that would work better and make life livable. You have a bunch of previous posts, and I haven't read all of them, but at least some of the issues seem to be your relationship with your kids, your wife, and addiction.

Could you say more here, or posts links that would make the background info more clear?

I hope something can help
 
Lostfoundandlostagain

Lostfoundandlostagain

To Live... That is the adventure
#3
#3
may71 said:
at least some of the issues seem to be your relationship with your kids, your wife, and addiction.
Click to expand...
Pretty much nail on the head. I'm a porn addict in recovery. It messed up my view of the world and my family life. A few years ago my oldest was 14 and began developing. I noticed way too much. It made her really uncomfortable and scared my wife. I never did try to touch any of my kids or even wanted to. That kind of thing never did interest me. I was just in so deep when i looked at women mostly i just saw a collection of parts to fantasize about. Not a woman as a whole. i could ogle a pair of breasts (clothed) or butt and somehow in that moment separate myself from the fact that they were part of my 14 year old daughter. I hate that I can say that I was that much of a creep. I've been working at recovery for the better part of three years. My daughter doesn't speak to me and wants to have the adoption undone. I don't hate her for that or anything. I miss what we had before I went and screwed it up. I know the past cant be undone but it hurts that i messed up that relationship, possibly forever. she was 6 when my wife and I met and I adopted her when she was 11. My wife is supportive of undoing the adoption but that would require bio-dad to take his rights back, which he doesn't want. Anyway. Wife kicked me out three years ago. I moved back a year ago but was cheating on my sobriety by looking at underwear ads and not being honest about it because I was scared she would kick me out again. (Pretty stupid, I know) when i finally did come clean a few months ago she said she was considering divorce and I was out again. I have 4 other kids who still like me (for now) 3 daughters and a son. I miss them like crazy and I have trouble with the fact that they are in this painful situation because of my actions. I've tried since the beginning to do some marriage counseling but wife won't. She has a lot of issues from her being sexually abused by several different men, some which were in her family including her dad, starting around 8 and lasting into her early 20s. She tends to think porn addict=child molester/rapist. So she says she will never be able to trust me again and wants a divorce. I still love her and would like a chance to make it work but know I've made lots of mistakes and really hurt her quite badly. So I look around me and see all the pain I've caused and the relatively little I can do to fix it and its really hard not to hate myself sometimes. My kids and wife were my whole world but i messed it up and I'm really struggling to find a way to survive not being with them. In 18 years of trying to have relationships with women I've had 10 or so girlfriends and 2 wives and never have I been the one to break things off. I've tried to learn from each break up and be a better me but I still end up driving them away. Anyway hope that helps fill in the story a bit.
 
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may71

may71

mr. may
#4
#4
Lostfoundandlostagain said:
A few years ago my oldest was 14 and began developing. I noticed way too much
Click to expand...
Ok, that's not a good thing, but it's also not something that you did with malicious intentions. It's also far less severe than actual sex abuse.

It seems like you're being unfairly judged here. You're willing to go to therapy and you are trying to work things out, it seems like they could forgive you, or at least work on dealing with this with a therapist.

If they really feel like reconciliation is impossible, it seems like they could at least go to family therapy with you just to try to end the relationship on good terms. If they won't go to therapy with you, I wonder if seeing a therapist on your own, you could work out something to send to them in a letter.

Lostfoundandlostagain said:
I have 4 other kids who still like me (for now) 3 daughters and a son
Click to expand...
Do they also live with your wife?

Do you think it's possible to build a new life without your wife, and just maintain your relationship with your other children?
 
M

Mr Pryce

Well-Known Member
#5
#5
Lostfoundandlostagain said:
Pretty much nail on the head. I'm a porn addict in recovery. It messed up my view of the world and my family life. A few years ago my oldest was 14 and began developing. I noticed way too much. It made her really uncomfortable and scared my wife. I never did try to touch any of my kids or even wanted to. That kind of thing never did interest me. I was just in so deep when i looked at women mostly i just saw a collection of parts to fantasize about. Not a woman as a whole. i could ogle a pair of breasts (clothed) or butt and somehow in that moment separate myself from the fact that they were part of my 14 year old daughter. I hate that I can say that I was that much of a creep. I've been working at recovery for the better part of three years. My daughter doesn't speak to me and wants to have the adoption undone. I don't hate her for that or anything. I miss what we had before I went and screwed it up. I know the past cant be undone but it hurts that i messed up that relationship, possibly forever. she was 6 when my wife and I met and I adopted her when she was 11. My wife is supportive of undoing the adoption but that would require bio-dad to take his rights back, which he doesn't want. Anyway. Wife kicked me out three years ago. I moved back a year ago but was cheating on my sobriety by looking at underwear ads and not being honest about it because I was scared she would kick me out again. (Pretty stupid, I know) when i finally did come clean a few months ago she said she was considering divorce and I was out again. I have 4 other kids who still like me (for now) 3 daughters and a son. I miss them like crazy and I have trouble with the fact that they are in this painful situation because of my actions. I've tried since the beginning to do some marriage counseling but wife won't. She has a lot of issues from her being sexually abused by several different men, some which were in her family including her dad, starting around 8 and lasting into her early 20s. She tends to think porn addict=child molester/rapist. So she says she will never be able to trust me again and wants a divorce. I still love her and would like a chance to make it work but know I've made lots of mistakes and really hurt her quite badly. So I look around me and see all the pain I've caused and the relatively little I can do to fix it and its really hard not to hate myself sometimes. My kids and wife were my whole world but i messed it up and I'm really struggling to find a way to survive not being with them. In 18 years of trying to have relationships with women I've had 10 or so girlfriends and 2 wives and never have I been the one to break things off. I've tried to learn from each break up and be a better me but I still end up driving them away. Anyway hope that helps fill in the story a bit.
Click to expand...
I think you should be careful. If you follow through thoughts and temptation then you could completely ruin your good life. You need to use reason and logic everytime you feel the desire to watch porn and look at your adopted child in that way. You have a wife so engage with her and have sex with her. Your not sinning and shouldnt feel guilty. The good things about a wife is they are more passionate in sex and pleasing you, and also you can experiment with her and try different things that are safe.
 
Lostfoundandlostagain

Lostfoundandlostagain

To Live... That is the adventure
#6
#6
Mr Pryce said:
I think you should be careful. If you follow through thoughts and temptation then you could completely ruin your good life. You need to use reason and logic everytime you feel the desire to watch porn and look at your adopted child in that way. You have a wife so engage with her and have sex with her. Your not sinning and shouldnt feel guilty. The good things about a wife is they are more passionate in sex and pleasing you, and also you can experiment with her and try different things that are safe.
Click to expand...
I don't feel urges to look at her that way anymore which is a blessing. Unfortunately sex with my wife hasn't been an option for over a year. Not blaming my slips on that in any way but it would be a bit easier if I had that type of connection with her
 
Lostfoundandlostagain

Lostfoundandlostagain

To Live... That is the adventure
#7
#7
may71 said:
Ok, that's not a good thing, but it's also not something that you did with malicious intentions. It's also far less severe than actual sex abuse.

It seems like you're being unfairly judged here. You're willing to go to therapy and you are trying to work things out, it seems like they could forgive you, or at least work on dealing with this with a therapist.

If they really feel like reconciliation is impossible, it seems like they could at least go to family therapy with you just to try to end the relationship on good terms. If they won't go to therapy with you, I wonder if seeing a therapist on your own, you could work out something to send to them in a letter.


Do they also live with your wife?

Do you think it's possible to build a new life without your wife, and just maintain your relationship with your other children?
Click to expand...
Kids do live with her. Building a new life would be very difficult. I wouldn't be able to support my kids the way I do now. As it stands my parents are letting me stay rent free. If we get divorced that ends. Right now I give my wife and kids everything I make
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#8
#8
Lostfoundandlostagain said:
Building a new life would be very difficult
Click to expand...
Well, even if you aren't officially divorced, you may be able to find other sources of value in your life other than your marriage and your relationship to one daughter.
Lostfoundandlostagain said:
Right now I give my wife and kids everything I make
Click to expand...
That sounds unreasonable to me. Even a harsh divorce court wouldn't take all of your pay.

This all just seems unfair. You looked at your teenage daughter (once, several times?) without any malicious intentions, and you looked at an underwear catalog. You've also been willing to go to therapy and try to work this out, but your offers have been refused, you've been thrown out of your home, and your wife is taking all of your money.

Simply because you did something wrong, without malicious intent, doesn't mean that you should have to suffer unlimited punishment forever.
 
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