feeling raped.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by jane doe, Apr 29, 2009.

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  1. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    after 6 years of a relationship i decided i want to leave him, still he asked me to stay, still he pushed me to have sex with him, and didnt rejected him like all the other times. While having sex, i was dieying inside, even tears came out of my eyes. I feel raped, but emotionally, whats wrong with me??

    edit:didnt know where to post this..sorry if its not the right place
  2. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    I can only respond to what you are saying. Get out of this 'relationship'. I know it's easy for others to say, but get together with some close friends for awhile and let them know how you feel; they'll support you. We will certainly support you here as much as possible.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You need to get out of this relationship and fast otherwise your self esteem will just fall lower and lower. Like shades said,you need support to help you do this,you have to know you have something to fall back on. Do you have any close friends you can talk to about this? Perhaps counselling would help you too?

    I'm here if you need to talk :hug:
  4. JohnADreams

    JohnADreams Well-Known Member

    I can only echo what the others have said. Rely on friends or family to help get yourself out of this relationship and don't let yourself be guilt tripped into taking him back again.
  5. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    I agree with everyone else you do need to get out of this relationship but I also know that YOU have to make the decision yourself.
    It took me 10 years to become strong enough and you too will reach a point when you think, That's it enough and start making plans to leave.
    It's important to make plans and to share these with trusted real life family/friends. Of course we hope you will share with us too and that we can support you.
    There is no need to tell him anything until everything is in place, or not even then if you prefer, the important thing is that you are safe.
    Once he knows he will probably promise you the sun and the stars if you stay, all part of the course, you can and you will move on from this.
    Not sure if you are in Uk but there are agency's out there who will help too, I'm thinking specifically of Woman's Aid in the UK but there are others.

    Hazel xx

    Edit: See you are in Argentina, look into what support groups are there.
  6. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i already took the decition but he begged me to stay a lil bit longer to see if we can make it work :/ i couldnt say no again
  7. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Begging and apologizing are typical for the abuser to try and keep the relationship going. The cycle will continue and you will feel worse about yourself. You've got to stop it now!
  8. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    he's not listening to you and is hurting you. do you feel scared of him? what is it about him that makes you stay with him? is it his begging and looking harmless, making you feel guilty?
    you aren't in the wrong here. you have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about but the way he's treating you might make you feel like that, and he's playing on that. do you see a therapist? would you be willing to contact a domestic violence organisation? they might support you in leaving.

    i went through this a lot in the first 2 years with my ex gf. i tried to run away a lot of times and she did the begging and pleading, although she might have not intended to be manipulative, i did feel manipulated and trapped. it was fucking horrific when i think back but i didn' trealise it properly until recently what i was in. emotionally, i just didn't know a thing.

    look after yourself, if he gets threatening then try your best to keep yourself safe from him.
  9. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Put yourself first, not him. This may sound selfish but it's not. One day you will look back at all this and wish you had left him earlier or let him at all.
    Do what's best for you.
  10. RogerRabbit

    RogerRabbit New Member

    im new here, but hold on guys. she never said he is abusive, or that she is scared of him. Domestic violence!? sometimes is more deep than that. walk carefully when making asumptions ^^
  11. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Hi Jane,

    Something you wrote confuses me. You said that you "didnt rejected him likie all the other times". Does this mean that he tried to push you to have sex before but you said no? If so, did he make you have sex with him? From what you have written, it sounds like you didn't really want to have sex this time but you felt coerced. Is this what happened, because I don't think anyone can blame you for feeling the way you do. There isn't anything wrong with you for feeling this way, anyone would feel this way, but you can and should leave. It will only get worse and you do not deserve to be treated like that. You need to leave if this relationship is this abusive. If he doesn't respect you as a human being, which means that you do not push a person to have sex, he does not deserve to have you, you are too good for him.
  12. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    haha roger is right, he didnt rape me but i feel violated since i couldt say no and the pain was emotionally. He didnt push too hard or anything i just didnt rejected this time,thats all. Deep inside i was aching because i dont love him or feel any attraction towards him anymore.Still i couldnt stop crying after thats why i didnt post in the section about abuse and stuff. because the feeling was all in my mind.
  13. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Even though you feel you can't say no, the thing is, that you can say no.
  14. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I guess that is what I was trying to figure out especially since it sounds like he "pushed" you to have sex before. I'm not saying that he raped you, but putting pressure on a person is coercing a person to have sex and, emotionally, it feels awful. Sometimes the guy is the bully, and sometimes the girl is too afraid to say no because of past experiences that has nothing to do with the guys. You did say he pushed you and now you said that he didn't push you too hard. You tried breaking up but he is begging you to stay but you can't say no. Why? What is it that makes you not be able to stick with your decision if he isn't right for you?
  15. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You don't love him and you aren't attracted to him.. Those are your words.. You need to get out and not look back..Is it that you are afraid to be alone?? There are plenty of nice guys out there... You don't need to be pushed to have sex.. It should come naturally when you are with a mate you are in love with and you are attracted to.. So again leave his butt!!
  16. Daisy

    Daisy Active Member

    I hope you can reach out for help and take care of yourself.
    Thinking of you
    Last edited by a moderator: May 1, 2009
  17. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    belladona thats exactly what im trying to figure out. Why i cant stand for what i want and say no! im leaving. thing is it hurts me to hurt him by saying im leaving, and i feel its selfish of me not to stay, and i think in what he said the day i told him i was leaving: why if it was wonderfull for over 5 years u cant give it another chance to rebuild whats wroken?
    i think untill i find an answer to that i cant move on.
  18. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    You know, you sound a little like me and that makes me sad. You sound like you value everyone else over yourself, like you are such an awful person that your happiness doesn't count, ESPECIALLY compared to the happiness of someone you love.

    I don't know how to fix that, I'm trying to be aware of it, but I do know from a logical level that it's wrong to feel that way. I'm not saying it's morally wrong, but it's just plain wrong, I don't want anyone to think that they are worthless or less than anyone else.
  19. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    yep thats exactly what goes in my mind at the time of taking a decition. i had a friend telling me yesterday that if u dont value yourself and your wishes nobody will, but its so hard to do something like what im trying to do.
  20. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    Have you ever tried pretending that you are a different person?

    What I mean is that when you are dealing with a problem, have you ever tried to pretend that it isn't you with the problem, instead it is your sister/best friend/daughter coming to you because they are experiencing that problem--what would you say to her? It's hard to do this so sometimes it helps to give a pretend name for your pretend daughter with your problem.
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