Hey, The last 6 months of my life have been a hell, after my dad left at the age of 8, despite supposedly still loving us all (including my mother) the next few years were awful. I realise that most people would learn to deal with this and move on, but I don't handle things that well, eventually I ended up not letting anyone in, becuase every time I did it made me feel so bad when they let me down. I spent my late teen years and into my early twenties attempting to find one-night stands and prostitutes to satisfy my needs and never speaking to anyone again after. That was until just over a year ago this girl at work made a huge move on me over the course of a couple of months. Before I got with her I sat with her on the prom one night, both drunk, and told her that I'm scared to let anyone in because of what it will do to me if they let me down. The relationship was quite happy at times, I was in love but always battling and trying not to be, then one day she came round and told me she was pregnant, around 8 months into the relationship. I personally don't believe in abortion but she was adamant and her mind couldn't be changed. I took her to the clinic and, on the train on the way home, told her it was over and I couldn't be with her anymore. Over the next few months we sort of had sex, argued, did couple type things together, fell out, argued etc over and over again until her birthday came and I bought her loads of presents but wrote on the card "I hope this is worth a shag" as a joke. She opened this in front of everyone in work and made my life a misery for it there-after. I know I'm a total idiot and could have acted and reacted far better, I don't claim to be in the right about all of this, I'm emotionally idiotic and while I can usually see where I've gone wrong in hindsight it isn't so obvious at the time. Well a couple of months after this, having to work closely together, she kept on running off crying whenever I said anything to her, then saying similar things to me which I didn't make a complaint about, and basically my work life became so stressful I had to get away. I locked myself away for 2 months, didn't speak to anyone, in total despair. Having decided to go back to work a couple of weeks ago, I was in a massive car crash the night before. Now to be honest, I can't really remember what happened, I know my seatbelt was off and I didn't break for the corner, and I was doing well over 100mph at the time, but whether I was having an epilleptic fit or trying to kill myself is unclear in my mind. I walked out of the crash with a nasty cut to my head but otherwise pretty much unhurt. It is actually a miracle, everyone thinks i was wearing my seatbelt and they think its a miracle, but I know the truth and its astonishing. I would show pictures of the lump of metal hardly recognisable as a car but it would give away my identity. I know we aren't supposed to talk about ways to actually go through with it on here but I've recently purchased all the equipment necessary for a quick, painless, and certain death. I spend the morning sitting there trying to go through with it, but can't quite do it, then my mum comes home and I put it away and plan to do it tomorrow, over and over again. I don't really see how I can get out of this cycle, I know there is some doubt as to whether I want to do it otherwise I would have got it over with by now. Yet I don't see how I can recover and live a happy life again. I just wanted to share it with someone, somewhere because I can't open up to anyone. I'm waiting to go to counselling but there is a long waiting list, and the only person I've ever openned up to, the one who I really need to talk to, just wants to make things worse for me. Thanks for listening.