Feeling really bad

[JSX182]

Hey,

The last 6 months of my life have been a hell, after my dad left at the age of 8, despite supposedly still loving us all (including my mother) the next few years were awful.

I realise that most people would learn to deal with this and move on, but I don't handle things that well, eventually I ended up not letting anyone in, becuase every time I did it made me feel so bad when they let me down.

I spent my late teen years and into my early twenties attempting to find one-night stands and prostitutes to satisfy my needs and never speaking to anyone again after.

That was until just over a year ago this girl at work made a huge move on me over the course of a couple of months. Before I got with her I sat with her on the prom one night, both drunk, and told her that I'm scared to let anyone in because of what it will do to me if they let me down.

The relationship was quite happy at times, I was in love but always battling and trying not to be, then one day she came round and told me she was pregnant, around 8 months into the relationship.

I personally don't believe in abortion but she was adamant and her mind couldn't be changed. I took her to the clinic and, on the train on the way home, told her it was over and I couldn't be with her anymore.

Over the next few months we sort of had sex, argued, did couple type things together, fell out, argued etc over and over again until her birthday came and I bought her loads of presents but wrote on the card "I hope this is worth a shag" as a joke. She opened this in front of everyone in work and made my life a misery for it there-after.

I know I'm a total idiot and could have acted and reacted far better, I don't claim to be in the right about all of this, I'm emotionally idiotic and while I can usually see where I've gone wrong in hindsight it isn't so obvious at the time.

Well a couple of months after this, having to work closely together, she kept on running off crying whenever I said anything to her, then saying similar things to me which I didn't make a complaint about, and basically my work life became so stressful I had to get away.

I locked myself away for 2 months, didn't speak to anyone, in total despair.

Having decided to go back to work a couple of weeks ago, I was in a massive car crash the night before. Now to be honest, I can't really remember what happened, I know my seatbelt was off and I didn't break for the corner, and I was doing well over 100mph at the time, but whether I was having an epilleptic fit or trying to kill myself is unclear in my mind.

I walked out of the crash with a nasty cut to my head but otherwise pretty much unhurt. It is actually a miracle, everyone thinks i was wearing my seatbelt and they think its a miracle, but I know the truth and its astonishing. I would show pictures of the lump of metal hardly recognisable as a car but it would give away my identity.

I know we aren't supposed to talk about ways to actually go through with it on here but I've recently purchased all the equipment necessary for a quick, painless, and certain death. I spend the morning sitting there trying to go through with it, but can't quite do it, then my mum comes home and I put it away and plan to do it tomorrow, over and over again.

I don't really see how I can get out of this cycle, I know there is some doubt as to whether I want to do it otherwise I would have got it over with by now. Yet I don't see how I can recover and live a happy life again.

I just wanted to share it with someone, somewhere because I can't open up to anyone. I'm waiting to go to counselling but there is a long waiting list, and the only person I've ever openned up to, the one who I really need to talk to, just wants to make things worse for me.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Isabel]

I am sorry you seems to go through so much. If you are a danger to yourself, you can go to the hospital for immediate help. I hope you'll keep posting on the forum. Sometimes just the gesture of sharing can be a big relief.

 

[Sadeyes]

Hi and welcome...glad you decided to share this with us...Being left by your father at such an early age, does leave one with the feeling of being abandoned, which is very difficult to resolve...it effects how much trust one has in relationships and how willing one is to be intimate...the feeling is, "if I could be left by my father, it is for sure, I will be left again'...the leaving of your father was his problems and quite a selfish and irresponsible act...this was not your fault...you did nothing to cause it, nor could you have influenced him to stay...you were a child...please realize that his behavior does not foretell what others are going to do if you get close to them...hope you find good people to trust and to affirm that all people are not as 'damaged' as a parent who would leave his/her children

 

[IWantToBelieve]

I am sorry to hear about your problems, and that you feel that you only have one way out. The truth is that what you are thinking of is not the only alternative, but if you do go through with it, there won't be a makeover. That will be it.

I am emotionally idiotic like you too, and I know how bad it feels to feel lost and isolated like that, for example at work. Sometimes it feels like I'm an alien from outer space that was dropped on a strange planet with strange creatures who share nothing in common with me but (occassionally) a semblance of outer appearance. It is hard to live like that.

As bad as you feel now, things can get better. They could get so good that you might even love life, believe me! What sucks is that when you are in situations like this the last thing you feel like doing is fighting for things, and that's exactly what it will take for your life to become better. A lot of effort and struggle. But the reward will be unquestionably worth it.

As for your girl, I think you need to stop completely caring for her and cut all ties (unless she decides to get some help.) When people with problems get together (many times with the hope of helping each other) what happens is usually the opposite (problems get compounded because each person feels threatened and hurt by the other in her weakness, and it ends up being like a situation where two people who can't swim try to help each other in the middle of a deep lake, and the only thing they keep doing is pull each other under.)

One thing I'll tell you is that there are wonderful women out there. Loving, selfless, and beautiful women. But for you to find them you have first to open up and help yourself so that you start loving yourself too.

Sorry your dad left you. It wasn't your fault or your mom's fault. Do you understand that (not at an intellectual level, but also at an emotional level?)

Take care man, I hope to talk with you further. I can tell you about some of my shit too.

 

[Speedy]

Welcome again. Pleasure to meet you!

 

[eagles_fan]

First, I'm sorry your dad left you. I almost can't comprehend such a loss. It's fortunate that you survived the crash. Why would you consider suicide after living through an ordeal like that?

Also, you need to break up with your girlfriend and let her go. She's only going to make things worse for you.