Feeling really down

[IDontWantToDie]

I dont know how to keep on going. I can't live like this anymore.
I can't see a way out. I cant even ask for help. I cant talk to people. I know hapiness comes from within, and i should not be dependant on others.
My problem is complete loneliness. The few people i have around me are not much help, as they dont know of the hell thats going on inside my head. I cant tell them, because they have problems of their own. Also, i have been depressed for about 10 years now. I feel better here and there, but its still a constant fight. No one takes me seriouy anymore on this. Everyone is depressed now days. What's so special about me? Its stupid to expect people to help me. I see how miserable they themselves are...

I am alone all the time, its been a long time. Lately its getting unbarable. I try to do all sorts of stuff to feel happy, like hobbies and stuff, but most evenings i just return to the same realisation that i have nothing that gets me out of bed. Nothing that makes me laugh. No one who could pull me back to reality. I am so lost in my thoughts. And i just keep thinking about suicide, over and over again.
I love life. But i cant take this anymore. Getting up, falling, getting up again, falling twice, etc. Who am i doing this for? Why am i even trying?

My life is empty and cold. I once thought that i dont need anyone. Now i know, that life is worthless without love. Solitude rots and turns into loneliness if you lose control. And loneliness cripples. It eats away your sanity and your soul. Then one day you understand you have killed yourself a long time ago without even realising it.
Love your family, love your friends. Love your pets, love everyone you have a conversation with. Love your ability to communicate, love yourself and dont shut the world out. Tell people how you feel, allow them in and dont abandon yourself. You are great and everything is going to be alright.
Thats what i would say to me 10 years ago. Now i feel like its too late. The damage is too deep. I pushed everyone away, and every day is a consequece of my mistake.

 

[A_J_R]

Hello IDontWanttoDie,

I'm lonely too. It's the worst. It eats away at everything. I have been burying myself in work and it's only exhausted me. I even do great things at my job - meaning, I always get really good feedback, but that feeling that I've done something worthwhile always fades. And then it's just me with my thoughts.

I have people in my life and I still feel incredibly lonely. It's hard. I don't have advice, only empathy. I related to what you said about already feeling like you've killed yourself. I hope you can find something to hold onto, and that thing brings you happiness.

 

[IDontWantToDie]

Hello IDontWanttoDie,

I'm lonely too. It's the worst. It eats away at everything. I have been burying myself in work and it's only exhausted me. I even do great things at my job - meaning, I always get really good feedback, but that feeling that I've done something worthwhile always fades. And then it's just me with my thoughts.

I have people in my life and I still feel incredibly lonely. It's hard. I don't have advice, only empathy. I related to what you said about already feeling like you've killed yourself. I hope you can find something to hold onto, and that thing brings you happiness.

Thank you. Same thing 2 you
Love

 

[IDontWantToDie]

Hello me from three years ago...
Hugs.
Dont wory, everything is going to be okay. Your problems wont magically disappear but you will meet a warm, caring soul. He will listen and understand you and you will never again be alone. You will experience real love, real happiness... you will still need to fight as depression and borderline is a psycho over attached ****, but dont give up. It is not the answer.
You will meet interesting people, see new places, do simple things you never thought you could do and you will feel happy. Just dont give up. Everything works out in the end.
Love and hugs.

 

[Maniae]

That was a beautiful note to self.

I hope that you are able to reflect on how you are not in the same mindset of the past. You've grown and become more aware of self. You've gained some wisdom and copingstrategies.

You may not have arrived at where you want to be, but you are closer than you were before. Progress.

You inspire others, maybe without even trying.
You're a beacon of hope. Keep that light shining. And when it dims, re-energize and continue forward.

Thank you for being an inspiration.

 

[IDontWantToDie]

That was a beautiful note to self.

I hope that you are able to reflect on how you are not in the same mindset of the past. You've grown and become more aware of self. You've gained some wisdom and copingstrategies.

You may not have arrived at where you want to be, but you are closer than you were before. Progress.

You inspire others, maybe without even trying.
You're a beacon of hope. Keep that light shining. And when it dims, re-energize and continue forward.

Thank you for being an inspiration.

Hugs!

 

[Survivorist]

@IDontWantToDie
Just as you say. I cannot even count how often I fell and how often I had to stand up again. And I think, I am older than you. Yes, I love life or would be dead for a long time. But this constant falling, getting up again is tiring. I started my life so often again, I think I can feel what you feel. Contact in the "world" is one thing - love is something completely different. And often "love" is not what it seems - as people suck, play, want advantages, are pure egoistic etc. Finding something true is very, very rare. But I sincerely think that once or twice in our lifetime we all get a chance - be it the partner you really need or a job you really like.... Hang on to this - for any price. I really wish, that you would find someone or something to hold on to. Your story is sad but in the most desperate situations always something positive happens, because it cannot get worse. And you are a strong person(ality), this I know.

Anyway, a big hug. The sun is still shining. Just believe.

 

[IDontWantToDie]

@IDontWantToDie
Just as you say. I cannot even count how often I fell and how often I had to stand up again. And I think, I am older than you. Yes, I love life or would be dead for a long time. But this constant falling, getting up again is tiring. I started my life so often again, I think I can feel what you feel. Contact in the "world" is one thing - love is something completely different. And often "love" is not what it seems - as people suck, play, want advantages, are pure egoistic etc. Finding something true is very, very rare. But I sincerely think that once or twice in our lifetime we all get a chance - be it the partner you really need or a job you really like.... Hang on to this - for any price. I really wish, that you would find someone or something to hold on to. Your story is sad but in the most desperate situations always something positive happens, because it cannot get worse. And you are a strong person(ality), this I know.

Anyway, a big hug. The sun is still shining. Just believe.

 

[Survivorist]

You know, we are all sometimes in the same situation. Life is not fair. I listened yesterday to an old song, I would like to share with you. Free falling has something too. I do not know where you live, but if you were here, I would invite you for a jump from 4.000 meters. It's X-mas, - beside all, try to enjoy at least a little and reach out to all here.