Feeling really down

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarjoe, Jul 13, 2011.

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  1. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I am so sad today that it hurts. I feel like there is nothing left to keep me going. I have lost so many friends to aids, about 50. I have to say that I am so jealous of them. I wish I was one of them that died. I am so lonely that all I have in my life is work. It is a job in a restaurant and at least it keeps me in contact with people. I have even made some friends there that know me by name or request me to wait on them. It is probably the only thing that makes me happy.

    My body is racked with physical pain and I struggle daily with emotional stress. I have no insurance, can't afford it. I rely on the county for my meds. The only med that is seemingly working is my anti anxiety med. I guess my depression med is working too. I would probably be more depressed.

    When I wake up in the morning it is hard to move. I have trouble walking. I know that many of your are in worse shape than me and, trust me, I feel for you. I wish I could say that I would pray for you, but my belief in any type of God is gone. I use really believe in God, but don't anymore. It hurts not to have that belief, but any shread of goodness that I use to see in the world really escapes me. I am too focused on myself. I feel profound guilt over that.

    I am going on here. I feel like dying everyday. I wake up and say, oh crap, another day. I only wish for one thing, to be happy if even for a few minutes. To loose happiness is a huge loss. Guess it is not in my cards. For anyone that reads this post, I thank you. Venting here to my "electronic friends" is important to me. Grin, I wish this forum had a spellcheck program.
     
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Loneliness is a monster!! It's hard to make new friends. Are there any clubs/societies where you could meet like-minded people?
    Take care xxx
     
  3. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I don't have a car. There are drop in centers, but too far to get to. I do have a few customers where I work that are mental health consumers, and I do connect with them while at work.

    Thanks for your reply.
     
  4. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    I was thinking more about shared interests like a film club or book club?
     
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Joe,
    Sorry to hear about your situation..Have you talked to your doctor about maybe you have degerated arthritus?? Or maybe a disc problem.. I had a disc in my lower back removed because I herniated it..The disc shell is still there but he oped it up and removed all the material inside to releive the pressure..I hope you find some releif.. Do you have a pain management clinic there where you live?? Anyhow I hope for the best for you..
     
  6. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    I had surgery a while back. I don't have a primary care doctor nor do I have insurance. I do have a psychitrist through the county free of charge. Often I speak to her about my pain. She believes, as you do, that it is arthritis. One of the meds she prescirbed for me, Cymbalta, has a secondary property of releiving pain. It does little. My job keeps me on my feet and there is a lot of lifting involved. My family situation gives me a lot of stress and I think that aggrivates my situation.

    I am sorry about your back problem. Mine is somewhat the same. It is called degenerative disk disease.

    My only hope is to get a little joy each day. It doesn't happen. Chatting to people like you helps. Thanks for being important to me.

    Have a nice day. I am off today. I am at the library and will take a walk. I know you would love to get out of the house. My hope for you is that someday you can.

    Joe
     
  7. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Did you have a good day off? X
     
  8. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    Fitzy,

    I am having a good day off. I went to where I work and had a piece of pie and cup of coffee. Talked to to few people at the counter about basically nothing and it felt good.

    Thanks for being there
     
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