Feeling Really Down

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Butterfly, Dec 11, 2011.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am not quite sure what is going on with me. My moods are all over the place. I have been taking my new med increase of Sertraline 150mg and I have been more chatty, hyperactive and productive than usual, also spending lots and lots of money. I have blown £5,000 in the space of about 6 months, while I am not currently earning either. I have completely blown all the money in my bank account, savings and I am now eating into my ISA, which is supposed to be my wedding money. My fiance has told me not to worry, that it's only money and we'll have a nice wedding whatever happens but as the money was a gift from my parents, I feel so guilty that I have basically blown it all and have nothing to show for it.

    I thought that because I hadn't been feeling totally shit, that the med increase might be working, but I just feel so awful today.

    Today I just feel sad. I went out with my friends last night and I did have a really good time. I was confident, chatty, messing about, loud, you know a usual girls night out. I did have heaps to drink last night and today I am just thinking to myself, why am I two completely different people? My friends wouldn't know the girl who is sad, depressed, self harms, suicidal, moody, irritable, etc.

    I am also hallucinating today. The dead body is pressing up against the front door again. There is banging upstairs and the ornaments in my lounge keep moving and turning round. Everywhere I look I feel there is someone behind me, watching me.

    I don't know. I just feel, cack really.
  2. twofeet

    twofeet Well-Known Member

    I'm reading you. That's sounds like the rock and the hard place is all on top!
    I wish, I wish the world were a little easier, a little freer.

    But this is all I know:
    The meds can be adjusted. You can learn to deal with them. You
    can get stabilized, which means just a touch of dignity and laughter.

    The spending is an illness, not something you do on purpose just
    to screw your loved ones. That can be understood, you can get
    stable. You can have your own bank account; you can have your own

    Everyone lives with masks. Wisdom is find out how and when to
    remove one or the other, when it becomes safe and we grow.

    I really think Social Avoidant Personality (or what is for me beating
    the hell out of myself for allowing myself to enjoy my friends and
    my work) is a Big Thing. But I know teachers and nurses and other
    professionals who live with some form of stubborn self-hate and
    yet learn eventually to give.

    I don't know about hallucinations. I have experienced them (why are
    they always night terrors; why can't a hallucination have a fairy in
    it with a violet planet and purple lanes of bougainvillea?). I know
    the meds helped me, but I think you are suffering beyond that.
    I only hope you will not give up but make an effort to find answers.
    Answers are pretty things.
    They are like tiger eye earings. You acquire them on the journey.
    And Amethyst, hard as it feels, happiness may not be the goal,
    but just the Giving, as long and hard as we learn how.

  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I just wish my doctors would listen to me about my mood swings, hallucinations etc. They just seem to shoot me down saying all I need is an increase in my anti depressant. I think if this new dosage doesn't work they will switch me to a different anti depressant which I don't feel will be much help either. I need something to help me to stabilise my moods. Every couple of months I cycle into a deep, deep depression and hit self destruct and I do all kinds of dangerous things to harm myself and I self injure during this period, take overdoses, mess around with needles and I have swallowed sharp metal before as well. I even tried to dehydrate myself once, that's how stupid it can get. They also won't give me therapy because they say I am too much of a risk to have it, which seems completely contradictory to me. Surely I should have it because I am a risk? It just doesn't make sense to me. I just fear that one day the hallucinations and mood swings will spiral out of control and I will end up doing something totally stupid.

    I don't know about answers, I have been searching for answers for a while and haven't found them :(
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun write out what you are feeling better yet print out what you wrote here and give it to your doctor to read. The one type of meds did not work for me but wellbutrin xr did it works on dopamine levels not seratonin levels Give you doc this post okay get him to read it
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I will do TE. Thank you x
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.