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Feeling really shit tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheGirlWho, Jul 31, 2009.

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  1. TheGirlWho

    TheGirlWho Member

    Hey everyone. I am an infrequent chatter in the chat room, so some of you may know me from there...if not hi. I'm probably going to ramble a lot in this post...I am feeling really depressed and shit right now.

    First me: I am 23, in the UK, just outside London. I've been depressed on and off since I can remember- even as a child I was sad a lot of the time.

    I think things came to a head 4 years ago with my ex-boyfriend tho. It was a very fucked up situation all round. He would accuse me of cheating on him. Once he forced me to sit there while he held a razor blade to his wrists and cut them...until I would say I was cheating on him...which I was not (turns out he was cheating on mem surprise, surprise!) anyway, for each "cut" (they were superfical) he would scream at me to look what I was doing and lucky it wasn;t my thoart, etc etc. Just one example of how fucked up all that was. Another time, he pinned me to the wall by my shoulders and was screaming in my face.

    Anyway, since then my depression got worse, my trust issues got worse (I always had trouble trusting people before but I think since I let him "in" now I refuse to let anyone else close enough to hurt me again), my anxiety sky rocketed. 4 years in September since I've been in a relationship. Which is crap, but who the hell would want to be with me? My personality is almost all gone, all that is left is a shell and negative feelings. And I was never pretty haha.

    I'm trying to do the best I can at work. I really try to give 200% but I can't do it anymore! I feel taken the piss out of. Now, lots of people won't do work because they know i will do it and won't complain...and do i get a thank you? any regonition? Just more critism.

    I don't even think any of my family like me. They treat my sister so differently, I am sure that really they didn;t want me.

    So what is the point of even fucking being here? I'm not gonna kill myself or anything...I just wouldn't mind dying, if it happened to occur. The one thing that was keeping me sane....my work...it is now driving me insane.

    Oh, and? I have no real friends. Just acquanititis. Noboy ever asks me to dinner or to the cinema or even to their house for a cup of tea. I am so damn lonely I don't know if I can stand it anymore.
  2. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    first i wanna say hi. :)
    theres a thread somewhere about meets in london. several sf members will be going i think. might be a good chance to make some new friends? but dont worry about relationships. they aint always worth the heartache. but i hope youll feel better soon. :)
  3. TheGirlWho

    TheGirlWho Member

    Hi :D
    Thanks for the info but meeting strangers is agony for me, haha.
  4. necrodude

    necrodude Well-Known Member

    oh ok. :D but yeah you ok?
  5. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: hey hun, i'm sorry you're feeling so low and things aren't great
    i can relate the friends and family thing - but you should know your family still love you and friends come and go but we're always here for you and i hope things get better soon.
    life rob said - relationships aren't always worth the heartache, but when you meet the right person you'll be able to let them in, or at least they'll wait around and support you until you are able to do so.
    thinking of you :heart:
    triggs xx
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