God, i feel so suicidal right now. Today was just another bad day for me. last night was even worse. Got an upsetting e-mail about something that really has hurt me and bothered me lately. today was just as bad nothing has ever went right for me. i got really sick this morning and the pain inside me from cancer just hurts me even more each day. i really do not see how i can go on much longer. Will anyone ever remember me? Will they even care after i have passed? I hate myself. i hate the things i have did with my life. i can not do anything right. i can not even fix the things i did wrong. My life is a total waste and now nothing can change that. God why did i have to get this cancer? have i not been through enough pain and hurt in my life. I just do not know what to do. Yeh like i can get tenn-care now to care for my illness of cancer but why? why prolong a life like mine to suffer more pain? God i wish i had never been born. i wish my life had been good. i wish i had still had my mom. God i miss you mom. I miss you so much. I miss elaine. she was like a mom to me and i run her away. i run her away. i did it. i caused her hurt and i run her away. she doesnt love me. she never loved me like a daughter. She never cared for me. God why was i so stupid to believe she cared? That anyone cares? now look at me. dying of cancer and no one there to hear my cries at night. no one to hold me when i need a hug. If they knew i had cancer they would be here with their pretend love. God cant they see i need not a pretend love? cant they see i need not for them to just feel sorry for me? cant they see i need them for true love. the kind God ordained. i will never have that. i will never have a love like God wants for his people. I will never have someone to be there when i pass on. i will die a cold lonely death. i am already alone. I am suffering in this emotional pain and the physical pain pushes harder and harder at me each day. why suffer? Why let me suffer? God i want it to end. i want it to end.