feeling rough tonight

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by dazzle11215, Jan 25, 2011.

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  1. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i was taking the subway home tonight and the thought popped into my head, i wish i was dead. it's just so fucking hard to kill yourself. i know. od's don't work, nor does cutting your wrists. i'm scared of heights so will never go off a bridge. i've tried other methods in the past, with no success. just ended up in the hospital. thing is, i wish i could just stop all this pain. i wish i could stop all the memories. i am overwhelmed. i'm on meds and i go to therapy twice a week but the desire to hurt myself is so strong. it's like an addiction that my mind keeps returning to, over and over again. it's like self harming. i don't know how much longer i can go on without cutting. i need it. i want it. it won't let me go.
  2. Yarrick2k5

    Yarrick2k5 Member

    Play a violent video game? Join a Kendo club, find another outlet to rage at? Don't do cutting though, I know it may seem great as a quick fix for releasing pent up anger and depression. But it's not going to really fix anything.

    Try watching some comedy shows, or some comedian stand ups. Especially the likes of Bill Hicks, Dylan Moran, George Carlin, Doug Stanhope heck, even Dave Allen. Find something to distract you from it.

    Or genuinely continue seeking help from therapists and the like. As you've not actually done a genuine suicide attempt by the sounds of it since things like OD and self mutilation tend to be a cry for helps so whilst these thoughts plague your mind you do appear to have a glimmer of hope to continue fighting on. And that's what i say, keep going at it and soldier on (heh cliche as that sounds) you come into thise world kicking and screaming, you better go out fighting! Just keep at it I say.
  3. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Are you able to discuss these thoughts with your therapist? X
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    thanks for the distractions ideas, i love stand up. maybe some comedy channel will help. my past attempts were serious ones, no methods to be shared here so i can't say anymore but the last one was not really a cry for help. i just miscalculated. i didn't od; i know it doesn't work in 99% of attempts.

    i have a great relationship with my therapist, just need to make it until thursday when i see her next. i know she'll help me with this. it just seems such a long way off. i can tell her about feeling suicidal and she helps me decide when i can handle it and when i need to be in the hospital. right now i think i can handle it. just need to keep busy.
  5. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Killing myself would be easy. Living life is hard.
  6. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Keep busy and keep posting x
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Dazzle, hope things are OK with you right now. The advice above is good but maybe violent video games might not be to your taste.

    I know about recurring negative thoughts - its part of depression but once you can truly recognise that then you can at least reason with yourself when you do start to thinking in a kind of loop, the theme of which is 'let's die'.

    In no way am I demeaning what you feel or what anyone else feels. For anyone who has depression with the old recurring negative thoughts, I'm guessing you've heard enough of the downside. You can read a thousand books on the topic and get 1000 different answers. All that remains is common sense - an attribute that is luckily not wiped out by depression.

    No blade can cut your soul - I mean to say, the source of your pain is nothing to do with your body. Whatever hurts so much inside you are trying a well recognised 'trick' of making one pain to dull another.

    Trouble is it never works when the pain is internal and of our minds. A cut will scar the body which in turn reminds you of your plight.

    Something you said almost amuses me, and I hope you'll forgive me for pointing it out. I'm going to make light of something dark you said, not as some cruel snipe but more as a kind of attempt to make you at least raise a single smile.

    You mention that heights scare you, implying that you could not take your own life by jumping off a building. Ironic no? Think this through - your fear of heights, I'm sure, is because above a certain height your subconscious is telling you "This is WAY too high to fall from - be careful or you will die"

    Anyhow, humour aside, dark though it is, my point is that a part of you obviously wants to live. I'm not sure of your percentage rating - some people might feel that way for perhaps 1% of the time. Others maybe veer towards 50%. Most people apart from the lucky few, seem to go through peaks and valleys with life itself obviously throwing some traumatic times for most of us. We all feel it. Many successful people go onto being a success despite or perhaps because of it.

    I think I'd be expecting too much to rid myself of every last thought appertaining to wishing I was dead. Looking back, I can see peaks and valleys there but I think my biggest ACE CARD is simply the effort of trying to think positive. It takes practice and sometimes I slip up, but I try and keep busy doing good turns and have interests and passions which I have to fill the empty hours so to speak. Sometimes I'll just want to 'zone out' but there are thousands of factual TV programmes so I've always got a documentary about Ancient times and the odd children's cartoon to watch.

    Also, exercise. I find walking helps when you feel down. Maybe you walk enough but if not then maybe get off the subway a stop or two earlier or try and take a hours stroll in the evening, if its a safe area you feel comfortable in that is.

    I find that walking at a vigorous pace generally pushes negative thoughts out with ease - best if its a place not too populated by people.

    The main thing is to think positive. This means actually combating negative thoughts with reason and common sense.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm glad you recommend walking. my therapist does, too. she said there's things you work out on a walk that your mind can never work out. it's to do with the rhythm of the walk and of your breath. it calms and soothes you and works out the stuff your brain can't think your way out of. my neigborhood is good, it's just so darn cold. i haven't been walking much but will go for a walk tomorrow. thanks for the advice.
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