Feeling seriously suicidal for the first time in a long time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by J92, Sep 7, 2012.

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  1. J92

    J92 New Member

    Hello. I just made this account mostly out of feeling like I don't have any options right now. I'm 20 years old and admittedly have borderline personality disorder. I'm currently on my third try at living away at college (I should be in my junior year but instead am a freshman for the third time) and have so far made no friends and have found that no one is interested in getting to know me. I can't even remember the last time I've felt so lonely and helpless. I seriously don't see this situation getting any better or any easier and don't think I'll be able to handle being alone. The fact that I'm not a junior right now, while all my friends from back home are just makes me feel even worse than I already do. I'm so ashamed and would do anything to go back to my real freshman year and make it so I wouldn't be in this situation right now. The fact that I just had the most amazing summer of my life and have now had to go back to the way my life was before is just making everything so much worse. I miss having friends and going out partying and having fun instead of being by myself all the time. I feel like a complete and total failure and like no matter what I'll never get where I want to be and like it's just too late for me.
    I should also add that I've been having flashbacks for the first time in months (I have PTSD from an abusive past relationship...my only relationship, and the only time I've ever actually attempted suicide was after we broke up. I never thought I'd feel this hopeless about life again but I do now) even though I managed to finally get over my ex this summer. I think that these returning flashbacks are due to being back at school and reminded of my ex and my old school.
    I don't even know why I'm writing this to be honest. I just want someone somewhere to hear this and not judge me or lecture me or try to control me in any way. I don't want to reach out to my therapist because I don't think she'll be any help and I most definitely don't want to go back to residential treatment or groups where I'll just feel judged.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...although you say you feel like a failure, and surely I understand feeling that way, as I often do, I think there are things you can feel very proud of...you were in residential care which means you have been very bad off, and you are now back in college...you have tried three times, a determination few people have, and you have had a 'wonderful summer' so you know how to make friends...what is it about being at college that seems to get in your way of making friends? I have found that I judge myself so much more harshly than others do...not being a Jr right now does not mean you are inferior...in this economy, many people do not start college straight out of high school, so that is not that unusual...I jsut wanted to say, I hear you, and I am sorry about the relationship you have been through...my last thought is about why you do not want to reach out to your therapist...why else is she there? Thanks for sharing and welcome again
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