Feeling shitty again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Apr 15, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    I KNOW I'm capable of doing it. When I had all those pills in my mouth last year - something I thought I would never be capable of - it made me realise I do have it in me to end it all.

    The past few weeks I've been feeling worse and worse, and I don't know why. I'm falling into old habits, and following the same trends of before - which ended with me doing something.

    I WANT to do it. But at the same time, I have my doubts. I just keep thinking back to how at the time I was 99.999999% sure I wanted to do it, *tried* to do it, then ended up feeling humiliated, full of regret, and just plain stupid when I snapped out of it. When I'm like this I know I'm being irrational, but right now it FEELS rational. I'm scared I might end up doing something stupid again.

    Today was quite unbearable.. my anxiety has returned and I hated being out. Haven't been that anxious being out in a long time.

    I just feel gross and empty.
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Have you anybody to talk too and if you are feeling like you are a danger to yourself might help to go the hosp.Your doing right thing reaching out here and do try to stay strong as these feelings do pass.I get them alot too and like you my anxiety is right up there but i m toughing it out as death aint an option.Try keeping yaself busy and i know thats easier said than done but just hang in there.As you mentioned you got through it once you can do it again.Take care and keep posting if you need too talk.
  3. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to reply. :)

    I'll probably be ok.. I don't know. My caseworker (the person I talk to about this kind of stuff) told me to make sure I contacted her if I got to that point again (last time I just did it, without letting her know what I intended to do.) But I know I won't phone her. I just feel so stupid, because things have improved so much for me so I shouldn't be feeling like this. I don't want to let her down, nor cause any drama over the whole thing. Last time was so humiliating - the ambulance, my sister screaming and crying, my other sister leaving work and speeding here, my caseworker coming to see me and seeing the disappointment in her eyes. It was an awful experience. I don't want to cause more drama like that.

    But I can't snap out of this. I just want to lock myself away. I hate feeling like this. I want out but a small part of me is doubting myself, but I don't want to contact my caseworker because I don't want to cause a fuss.

    Ugh. Nobody needs to reply to this, I'm just being whiney, probably.
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    That is what your case worker is there for so if you are feeling very low you should ring them.We all have relaspes just been through it myself and still getting through it dont feel silly and your not being whiney its you are able to get this off your chest.
  5. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    Thanks, spidy. :)

    I know that's what she's there for, but I've known her for 2 years now, and the more I've gotten to know her and the more things have improved, the less stuff like this I tell her. Usually when I see her it's just to go for a coffee or whatever, and I don't tend to talk about this stuff (well, I haven't felt the need to for a while because things had improved so much.) It's like I see her as more of a friend now (which I know she isn't, this is her job) and feel stupid for phoning her.

    And then it's like, I haven't done anything yet, and feel like a bit of an attention seeker by phoning her and telling her how I'm feeling.

    Anyway, it's ok. Thanks for replying. :)
  6. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    maybe call her to take ya for a coffee then least you will be with someone you trust and will get you out
  7. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    pogo I know what it feels like to not want to let people down. To feel like you have been making progress and it has made people glad and happy so you don;t wanna stir up all the old crap again or have them look at you in that way again. I hate attention and drama I just like melting away into nothing in the background, so I understand you would want to avoid this, but this is the kinda stuff she is there for, like you said it is her job but the reason she probably does that job in the first place is because she cares and wants to help people like you, and that includes the rough with the even rougher. Think how she would feel if you did go down that path and you didnt at least tell her your feelings. She would want you to I'm sure of it. SHe would rather you relapsed and cause all the drama again then to say nothing and do the worst. Maybe that is why she looked 'disappointed'. Maybe what you interpreted as disappointment with you wss actualy disappoinment with herself because all those coffee chats and she never extracted your true feelings and wasn't able to see you heading in this direction. She may have wished she had known so she could help you again.

    Things don;'t just improve and all of a sudden life is a bed of roses and we all live happily ever after. For lots of us things will always be gloomy but it is the living and coping with it. We do this with help, and your caseworker is part of your help process. Use her. You are not seeking attention, that will be clear to her now. Reaching out for help does feel like attention seeking sometimes but it really isn't. Even if it was, attention seeking is not as bad as ending up dead or in hospital with organ failure is it?

    Take care of yourself and keep opening up okay, even if it is just posting on here. You are no whiney at all. Nobody cares here. We are here to listen xx
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