feeling slightly better but...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Cortez, Dec 8, 2010.

  1. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    I am feeling a bit better today than I did yesterday or Monday, especially Monday. I still feel angry though, angry for being in this predicament, angry for being isolated, and rejected and that no one likes me. Every day I feel anxiety, I am virtually scared of all human beings, including online, I am scared that people will hurt me, tease me, and laugh at me, just everything. I am so scared of people. I have pretty bad social anxiety. I can’t even make eye contact with people unless I am speaking to them in real life. I can’t help but to feel that everyone is better than me and worth more than I am, at work, at school, I feel lower than shit. All I feel day to day is anxiety and sadness, plus the anger, the anger is always there. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I never attempted suicide, but I think about it all the time, I don’t know why I never attempted, I should, but I just don’t. It is the fear in me, the indecisiveness in me. I actually can’t believe I am still alive. I should’ve killed myself a long time ago. I guess I am too much of a coward to do it.

    For anyone who replied to my thread the other night, thank you. I apologize for ignoring everyone, I feel bad about the whole thing. I was too drunk and emotional to remember who exactly wrote on it or what they said, but I know a few people at least tried to help me. I hope no one took what I said personal, that’s not the real me. When I am drunk my anger intensifies by x10 and I lash out at every single person that I am in contact with, there is no leveling with me when I am drunk. When I am drunk my main goal is to hurt everyone, so that at least I am not hurting by myself. It is wrong, I know, but that’s what I do. I crave for love and affection, for someone to be nice to be at least once a day, that’s all I ever ask for. But no, no one is ever nice to me, or friendly. I am tired of being ignored and hurt. I don’t know what the solution is.
     
  2. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    good thing you havent attempted and you should really keep it that way!!
    im glad to hear your feelin a bit better today :smile:
     
  3. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Thanks so much. :hug:
     
  4. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    anytime bud :hug: