Okay, so posting on the forum yesterday has helped some. Thanks everyone. I suppose since I'm not suicidal (not today), I should move the conversation here. I can't believe that I'm relieved to merely be depressed. Anyway, I applied for a job today, and did some work for my friend and for the column I started writing. I guess that's a step in the right direction. But here's today's dilemma: When I first ventured to think that I might want to fall in love again (although I'm hardly worthy right now), I developed an intense and painful crush on a married male friend. Just when I thought I was over it, I started to see some hint that this friend's marriage may be in trouble. He's never said so, and maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part (as if he'd ever want me if he did become single again), but it's really fueling my fantasies, and daydreaming about him gets in the way of my getting things done. And he came by my apartment today, the first person to do so since I moved her a month ago. It was just for a few minutes, to see the view and the amenities and such, but I was touched that he took the time. So later I sent him an email saying how much it meant to me that he stopped by. And I admitted--the first time I've done this since losing the friend who was my only confidante--that I'm not doing very well. It felt good to type that on an email and send it out, knowing I can't take it back. Now someone knows that I'm in trouble and need help. But maybe it shouldn't have been him. If he's having marital problems, he certainly doesn't need my problems too. And how good a friend can he really be if he's married? It's not like he can rush to my side if I call and need someone to help me through a rough night. He can't come by a few times a week to make sure I'm getting out, that I'm eating, etc. And what he can give me is only going to intensify this insane crush of mine. Sometimes I think that it's not really about him, but about me and my getting ready to "get out there" again by trying out some feelings on someone unobtainable. Maybe he's just a placeholder in my fantasies until I can find someone I can have. Or maybe I'm just screwed up worse than I think. Opinions?