Feeling Slightly Better

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by bright1, Jul 2, 2009.

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  1. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Okay, so posting on the forum yesterday has helped some. Thanks everyone.

    I suppose since I'm not suicidal (not today), I should move the conversation here. I can't believe that I'm relieved to merely be depressed.

    Anyway, I applied for a job today, and did some work for my friend and for the column I started writing. I guess that's a step in the right direction.

    But here's today's dilemma: When I first ventured to think that I might want to fall in love again (although I'm hardly worthy right now), I developed an intense and painful crush on a married male friend.

    Just when I thought I was over it, I started to see some hint that this friend's marriage may be in trouble. He's never said so, and maybe it's just wishful thinking on my part (as if he'd ever want me if he did become single again), but it's really fueling my fantasies, and daydreaming about him gets in the way of my getting things done.

    And he came by my apartment today, the first person to do so since I moved her a month ago. It was just for a few minutes, to see the view and the amenities and such, but I was touched that he took the time.

    So later I sent him an email saying how much it meant to me that he stopped by. And I admitted--the first time I've done this since losing the friend who was my only confidante--that I'm not doing very well. It felt good to type that on an email and send it out, knowing I can't take it back. Now someone knows that I'm in trouble and need help.

    But maybe it shouldn't have been him. If he's having marital problems, he certainly doesn't need my problems too. And how good a friend can he really be if he's married? It's not like he can rush to my side if I call and need someone to help me through a rough night. He can't come by a few times a week to make sure I'm getting out, that I'm eating, etc. And what he can give me is only going to intensify this insane crush of mine.

    Sometimes I think that it's not really about him, but about me and my getting ready to "get out there" again by trying out some feelings on someone unobtainable. Maybe he's just a placeholder in my fantasies until I can find someone I can have.

    Or maybe I'm just screwed up worse than I think. Opinions?
  2. lachrymose

    lachrymose Account Closed

    i'm only 24. and my opinion is this: might want to look for another "placeholder." don't want his marital problems to get anyworse.
  3. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Yeah. It's a real problem because when I'm not crushing on him, he's a good friend. I would never want him to suffer through a breakup with his wife and separation from his child (unless he tells me that's what he wants, then I would support him). I've never once been tempted to let him know how I feel, first because it would complicate his life and possibly cause him pain, second because I would most likely lose a friend, and third because he would almost certainly tell me he didn't feel the same way and I'd be devastated.

    And of course, even my fantasies are ethical ones. We wait until his divorce comes through before we. . . .let's call it explore our feelings for one another.

    But I get your point. I'm looking for a new face.

    I guess what I really want to know is whether this has happened to anyone else as they were getting over the loss of a spouse. Am I unique/weird or not?
  4. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    Sooo. . . .I was on Facebook last night when this friend posted the results of his softball games. We got to IMing each other, when I screwed up my nerve and said that every night when I go to bed I hope that I never wake up.

    His reaction was to say that he needed to get a shower and tape up his scraped knee. I haven't heard a peep from him on Facebook or over email. Some friend.

    Maybe that's not fair. I suppose most people don't know what to say or they have enough problems of their own and don't need mine. But I was disappointed. I really need someone to confide in, and I regret now that I let him know I was hurting.
  5. reefer madness

    reefer madness Account Closed

    Not much of a friend.
  6. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    So, here's an update on how I'm doing:

    1. I stopped taking the Chantix, as it was driving me crazy. My doctor and I are trying Wellbutrin, which is sometimes prescribed to quit smoking, and works on dopamine and norepenephrine instead of serotonin. That means that I shouldn't have as much of a problem with dreams and insomnia, and I may lose a few pounds in the process.

    2. I screwed up my courage a few days ago and put my blog on my Facebook so all my contacts could see it. It's the biggest step I've taken in letting people know that I'm not doing well. Last night I made an entry in which I revealed how much guilt I live with. The responses have been almost nonexistent.

    One of these days I'm going to be dead and everyone I know is going to say, "I've been reading her blog and knew she was terribly depressed, but I didn't want to get into it because I have enough going on in my life already."
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    How are you feeling now bright1?
  8. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I have good days now and then but for the most part it's been downhill. Last week and through the weekend I was really feeling desperate. I tried to let a friend (the one I was crushing on, but I'm letting that go because I need a friend more) know that I was suicidal, but he either couldn't or didn't want to understand what I was trying to say.

    I eventually confided in an online friend even as I was feeling pretty pathetic that this would be my best choice. He was very helpful and supportive, telling me to go back into therapy, etc. I was very grateful to him for that.

    By Tuesday, he was practically accusing me of cyberstalking. I was not only hurt but terrified that he would press charges or something, that I would end up with a police record or have to fight the charge in open court, which would have been humiliating. I quickly cut off all contact with him. It's amazing how quick someone can turn on you.

    After that I had a couple of good days of work, and a real good day yesterday with my writing, and I was starting to think the Wellbutrin was doing the trick. But today I'm thinking about suicide again.

    I don't know why I can't just straighten out.

    How are you doing?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 1, 2009
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    wow! I'm sorry that happened :(

    PLEASE don't let it stop you from seeking help on here, 99.9% of the people here are good and will try and help in any case.

    How long have you been taking the wellbutrin? If they aren't helping,perhaps ask your doctor to change or adjust the med?

    Don't be so hard on yourself,you'll get there x

    I'm doing okay thanks :)
  10. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I guess I've been taking it about 2 weeks.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Most anti depressants take 6-8 weeks to noticably make a difference.
    Hopefully in a few weeks you'll feel a change :) :hug:
    Hang in there xx
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