feeling so deeply alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flowers, Aug 9, 2011.

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  1. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I have been going from one website to another at 3:30 in the morning trying to not feel alone. But nothing is taking the feeling away. My heart feels so deeply alone. I go to the store. And water my plants. I went to visit someone today at her store. And yet I am alone. Even with others, I am alone.

    I just want to find a way to begin to learn how to love myself, as I love others. To find a way to fuse the fragmentation. So that the fragmented child parts of myself are not running the show. My heart aches to not be alone. And yet I am. So I am posting here. I could have chosen the depression area to post. But this area seems so much less isolated. And so I post here. It would be a great luxury to die. I long for the relief of being released from the pain, isolation and despair. I just want it to stop. I want the fear to stop. I want the pain to stop. It feels so hopeless. Thank you for listening :flowers: :rose:
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 9, 2011
  2. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Are you not in a relationship with someone? Maybe your heart is just seeking the companionship of someone else. I haven't been in a relationship for 11 years and I really miss having someone in my life to share it with.

    Everything feels hopeless when your depressed, but that is not how it really is. Hope is what pulls me through. Being in a state of mind that nothing can get better, that's a rough place to be.

    There is always a solution for any problem that we have. We may not necessarily like it, might not be the one we choose, but there is always a way to solve it.

    Even if you feel like things cannot get any better, they actually can. Hold on to that and hang in there.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I know the feelings you describe, feeling so alone that even in a group of ppl, I am not able to reach out to anyone...vunerability and trust are so difficult to repair after such traumatic events, but they are possible to have again..are you working with anyone to explore what this means for you? Please know you are not alone here. There are so many people who truly care about you...J
  4. NiceGuYKC

    NiceGuYKC Well-Known Member

    I often feel lonely too. I really want to be held by someone and truly loved again. I hope you can overcome your loneliness and meet someone special soon.
  5. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks for the replies. I am sorry that you know what the aloneness feels like :(

    Thanks Sadeyes. I am sorry that you know the feelings that I describe. you ask if I am working with anyone. I go to a pdoc when I can afford it. Which is once every 8 weeks. I will ask her tomorrow when I go there. But to be honest with you, she knows mostly the people who are less linear. And they are not the people who are, for one reason or another, not covered by either medicare or my supplimental from the state. Even the pdoc herself isnt covered by the supplimental ( which I get for free) Medicare will pay for a phd in psych. And that would work... if they are participating in both. So I have to pay 50% co-insurance when I go to her.

    I had to stop going to a therapist a year ago. Because she was not covered by medicare. She only had a masters in psych. Medicare doesnt cover any therepists unless they have Phd in psych. She had the state coverage. But that didnt do any good once I got on to medicare. So i had to stop.

    I do better with people who are less linear. More creative in their approach. And they are the exact ones who are not covered by one of both of the insurance i had. The more linear people frighten me. Over the past year, two or three people have looked for someone who would be right for me and are covered by both. But they came up empty both times. I will ask the pdoc again tomorrow. ( sorry this is so long. I never learned the are of brevity:laugh: )
  6. »broken_smile«

    »broken_smile« Banned Member

  7. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

  8. »broken_smile«

    »broken_smile« Banned Member

    glad u liked it :)
  9. NJ_CB

    NJ_CB Member

    Flowers, I know the feeling of seeking companionship and togetherness only to feel more desperately alone with every step I take. My therapist and doctor want me to look at the evidence and presumably see that I am not alone. Regardless, the feelings of loneliness are so strong sometimes that they overwhelm reality. I hope you feel better soon.
  10. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are feeling alone.
    As you have seen here many of us feel that way.

    Some might say everyone is alone in ways. I've been told that but no, it didn't help me and don't expect that to help you.

    I too have gone website to website looking to not be alone wishing I could reach into the computer and grab someone to be with me. A simple touch, a voice saying my name...just something.

    It's rough but I hope you will at least take our words and give us a voice because I would want you to know you are not alone.
    If I could step out and be by your side I would in an instant.

    I'm pretty new here but I"m here for you anytime and I mean that.
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi flowers i know that loneliness and i hope and pray that someone is sent to you that will be able to ease that pain and that sadness hun You so deserve peace and healing and joy hun You are so kind to everyone somehow i do pray that light you show and give to everyone has to be reciprocated back to you somehow take care flowers you know you can pm me anytime hun hugs
  12. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Thanks MJ, Meme and V. I am sorry that you all know aloneness also. For me, its agoraphobic, or being a recluse ( either dx depends on what mood the pdoc is in that day, I think). Regardless, I am alone. I can go to the store if I have to. And I can go to an apointment, if I have one. Other than that I am alone. No one to even come to my home from one month to the next. Its not easy to get from day to day because of it. But I have to do that. I have to continue to exist until I can leave. I very much hope it can be soon.
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Flowers -

    :arms: I understand your sentiments very well. It made me so sad to read what you posted. I hope that you will feel some sense of warmth and friendship from SF - there are many here who obviously think very highly of you.

    I do hope that you will not "leave soon".

    Should you feel this way, I'm around, just drop me a msg.

    Lots of healing, comforting thoughts enroute to you.
  14. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    flowers I'm sorry you're so sad
    you always have a word of comfort and support for others here and you're always so kind and caring
    I wish only good things for you and hope you will find the 'light' you need to continue to fight this rotten dis-ease :hugtackles::console:
  15. chipper

    chipper Well-Known Member

    hi. just want to ask you something.

    what are the things that make you happy or things that bring a smile on your face?
  16. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member


    I'm so sorry you are feeling so alone. I'm DID, too, and understand how you are feeling. I'm not the best in offering constructive advice because I'm struggling with lonliness, too. I'm just sorry you are hurting so much. Really. Keep trying to build a support system, ok? Coming to a wonderful site such as this one, is a good start. Please take care.
    All the best.

  17. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Oh Flowers... :hug::flowers:

    I am so sorry you feel so alone! Gentle hugs to you! It just doesn't seem right that you feel that way, you have given so much of yourself to so many and you have been a light in a very dark tunnel for me! Thank you!!! you deserve to be completely surrounded by love and kindness... you're lovely so don't you forget it and as hard as it is... please try take everyones love and care into your heart. I promise it will seem less empty then... meanwhile pm or post if you prefer if you ever feel like venting!

    Its your turn now to receive now ok! Please be kind to yourself... I struggle feeling alone too and know it can be utterly soul destroying at times. So sending all my care to you - you really can pm anytime... not just to give, but to allow me and others to give back to you too : ) xxx
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