Feeling so low - what can I do?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sorry_mozart, Jan 8, 2007.

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  1. sorry_mozart

    sorry_mozart Well-Known Member

    I’m in such despair. All I can think about is suicide – methods, chances of success, but I know I can’t kill myself. I mustn’t. My sister is seriously, probably terminally, ill. She loves life and has so much to live for. I wish it were me instead – I don’t want this life that I’ve been given, I can’t handle it and I despise it. She has two lovely kids who need her. Nobody relies on me, which is just as well. My self-loathing is a poison that eats away at me. I can’t live like normal people do, I can’t cope like normal people do. I wallow in sorrow and ruin everything because my awful moods dictate to me what I can accomplish, and won’t let me just get on. Why couldn’t it be me? – everyone would get what they wanted. I’d be out of my misery quietly and without causing so much hurt to the people who love me and those kids would have their mother to look after them for their whole life.

    I have to see my GP again tomorrow. I’m so frightened that I won’t get help. I don’t know how to convince them that I need it. I always think that she’ll think I’m exaggerating, attention-seeking, but I’m not – I just can’t describe the pain I’m in, the world of turmoil inside my brain. I’m falling apart more each day. I don’t believe I’ll ever be better, but I can’t cope and I don’t know what comes next.
     
  2. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    When did you last feel you had purpose in your life? And what made it dissolve to make life feel so difficult. I can understand not being able to cope with the world, the doctors can only help you shift depression and help with medical problems. I would try and push your doctor to see if they will let you see a counselor. You need someone to talk to so that you might change your life for the better, that you might see that life is not completely desolate and that if you can just get a little hope of something better, you could be happier.
    A lifeform without purpose will just sit there and rot, just like a robot without circuits.
    Maybe one day you might want kids like your sister, I would talk to your sister about life, see if she can give you direction. And support her through this illness as much as your love dictates, not your depression.
     
  3. sorry_mozart

    sorry_mozart Well-Known Member

    Thanks. You know what? Objectively, there's hardly anything wrong with my life. The external observer might even see much to envy. But: I'm healthy and I hate myself. I'm smart and I hate myself. I'm attractive and I hate myself. I'm free to do what I like and I hate myself. I'm so f***ing lucky and I hate myself. Isn't that pathetic and disgusting? How dare I be sad when there are so many people with real problems? Guess what - knowing that makes me hate myself even more. So: it's me! I'm the problem. The one problem I can't get rid of, because I have to take me everywhere I go.

    Purpose? Sod it, I don't have any purpose at all. Oh, periodically I'm convinced that I that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and I start on all these grand schemes and work like crazy chasing them all over. I tell myself that I'm turning over a new leaf, that really, this time, I can make something of my life. I fixate on something and obsess about it and neglect all the things I'm supposed to be doing in favour of my great fantastic new plan.

    Then I realise that it's all an illusion and it all comes crashing down that I don't have the skills to make the thing work, that I don't have the talent or the dedication to produce anything worthwhile - I never finish any of my projects, no matter how small. How stupid! Every time I had a hope it was a false one! Every time I thought I had purpose it turned out to be a mirage! Now I sit here disgusted at myself that I could ever even dream half the dreams I had. Why can't I just live life, without the impossible flights of fancy and the inevitable crashing in of reality? Why can't I just get on with things? Why can't I know myself at all? You'll never get the same answer to the same question twice from me ... I don't even know whether I'm an introvert or an extrovert, for goodness' sake ... I feel like I'm not a real person at all, like I don't have a character or a personality of my own, because it fluctuates and changes and never lets up.

    Ahhh ... sorry, descended into a real old rant there ... take no notice ... I'll have an entirely different take on the matter tomorrow anyway. I'll just go for a walk and shout random expletives at trees or something ...
     
  4. lost_alone4

    lost_alone4 New Member

    i know exactly how u feel
     
  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    So a big problem is that you cant seem to hold on to yourself. Your changing all the time as a person. I can't relate easily to that i'm afraid but I was thinking, there must be something that remains the same in you. Some form of consciousness that you can always identify, otherwise you wouldnt know that you were changing into something different.
    Maybe you can use that part of your mind as the island in the ocean. Reassure yourself about it so it grows. your hating yourself too much, I think you might be cycling the effect. You start off hating yourself, for whatever reason, and that MIGHT be whats causing your mind to fluactuate so rapidly, escapism from what you hate.
    But you hate it worse next time maybe?
    You may need to find something you love about yourself. Like that zest for starting a new project. I love that feeling, the excitment of the unknown and all and what you may discover. Find things like this and define what you love and hate about yourself. Be fair on yourself.

    Just because you dont think you have any reason to be unhappy doesnt mean you should be happy. You said you have everything going for you, but there must be a problem there, even if it's a lack of problems. It could be something like "why does everyone else get problems?". It's not a bad thing to be down about what may seem like the smallest problems. I've had problems in my life that I solved in days, whereas i've heard of the same problems nearly sending people over the edge (and vice versa). Everyone is different.

    one of the biggest parts of healing yourself is asking yourself these questions and finding your own answers. The sort of answers only you can really find. I hope this is good advice for you but if it's not dont hesitate to write back and tell me where i'm completely wrong about things.
    The more you say about you, the more people can talk to you about you.
     
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