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Feeling so low

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by urban_lily, Dec 10, 2007.

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  1. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    I've not been doing too bad recently considering....I've felt a lot stronger and when I have felt down I've done my best to distract myself...

    But right now I'm feeling so bad....I'm not really looking forward to Christmas....everything seems like such a hassle and I dont feel like I can cope...even though in reality, there isnt really that much hassle at all. On the 29th December it'll be 6 years since my granfer died and when my life really started falling apart......I'm ill and dont see much hope of getting better, I'm often bedridden, wheelchair bound...I cant really exercise so, despite eating very little at all, I have put on weight which makes me feel crap.....my boyfriend wanted to split up with me a few weeks ago, I fought desperately to keep us together and succeeded, now I'm thinking maybe I should have just let us split up as I'm not really very happy with how things are. I feel so constantly and unbearably sad and cant really place why. I really want to hurt myself....I feel like I need to be punished...but I'm not really sure what for. I just feel like a generally bad and crappy specimen of a human being.

    I have lots of medication in the house due to the illness I have pain killers etc etc I'm fighting and trying my hardest not to take them all but I dont really know why I'm struggling against it.....I dont see any future for myself, I already feel like a failure and can only see that getting worse, I'm a burden to my family....I know they love me and they dont want me to die but I'm in so much constant pain physically and mentally and I feel completely powerless in my life apart from doing this one thing....ending it all.

    I've had three goes at it...maybe I can get it right next time.....not saying I'm gonna do it right now or anything, but if my weird sense of fighting this gives up I'm might just do something....I'm on my own all day after all and no one would find me until about 5pm anyway (isnt it weird what goes through your head at times?)
  2. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    All I can say is that we're here for you, if you need us and you want us.
  3. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    thanks Bograt....I'm reading through the forum trying to occupy myself for a little while longer...just read a post of yours actually about when you were an inpatient and offered to 'off' your ward...made me chuckle :)

    I hope people dont think I'm just posting this for attention....I dont really want any attention, I dont like it. I want to be helped though....I scare myself...there's like something in my head which isnt me that takes over and convinces me that hurting myself and doing bad things is the only way for me to go...I cant control it.

    I went to see the mental health team after my second hospitalised attempt and they said I dont even have depression...it's all because of my illness....my GP said that was a load of rubbish though.

    I was thinking of phoning the samaritans but whats the point....last time I phoned the girl just desperatly wanted to get me off the phone and even though I said I was getting an urge to take lots of tablets just because I wanted to go to sleep she spoke to me for ten minutes then said I'd be fine and hung up on me.....if even the samaritans cant be arsed with me then why should I bother??
  4. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    If you were just seeking attention, I doubt you would be here. If attention was all you wanted, why would you seek it from an online forum and not the people around you? I'm pretty certain that %99 of the people who post here do so to find help and support from other how feel or at least felt like you do now. For me, I found this place by doing a google search when I was bad off enough to start considering the best method to kill myself... My wife is supportive and understanding, but she is also 7000 miles away and unable to help me to much.

    As far as that asshat that blew you off on the phone, it was probably someone doing their community service time to beef up a resume or by court order, do not let idiots get you down like that. I can in some way understand how being wheelchair bound could be the cause and not "depression" as the metal heath team says, but depression can be and illness AND a symptom. It does not matter if you are depressed because of a chemical imbalance in your brain (like me) or because you are to ill to stay in shape and live in constant pain, you are still depressed and need/deserve to be helped!

    Besides, I'm pretty sure these forums and others like them are just as good if not better than samaritan phone lines because here just about everyone can actually understand what you are going through, because we are/have been there.
  5. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    i had depression before I got this illnesss....and I also had two years of this illness without depression.....so I'm pretty sure it's not just caused by the illness (although, it certainly doesnt help things)

    I just feel like I've cocked up my life, I'm a burden to all who love me and I dont deserve to be here....and I mostly dont want to be

    Thank you so much for taking your time to reply to my posts....it's kinda nice to know there is someone there with you.....and you're right, this forum is better than those samaritan helplines....they arent allowed to give you advice or tell you anything about them personally, even if it might help.....you dont get to know them or vice versa.....and on this forum (which I found in the same way as you actually) you can help other people....which I often try to do as, selfish as it may sound, it kinda makes me feel better.

    I've just totally had enough today though....I've taken some of my tablets....not enough to kill me, dont worry.....just enough to make sure I sleep for a while...hopefully through most of this day as I just cannot be bothered to be awake anymore
  6. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    As I've been told countless times buy my loved ones... you are never a burden to true "loved ones". I'm quite familiar with the feeling of being so utterly worthless that no one could possibly want me around, but... Its not true!

    When you feel like this, its like looking at life through a filter. You do not see the good, only the bad. You miss all the interesting things and see only the drab, depressing things. In reality it does not matter what you do, or how well you do it. With these problems (be they illness caused or what have you) nothing will you do will ever seem good enough. I have the life many here wish they could have, but I still get so depressed I want to die. The thing to remember is this: you can make it!!!

    You have survived everything life had thrown at you so far, you have made it through every single bout of suicidal urges you have had so far. Although it may not seem like it, things are in reality getting better. You have taken the first, very important steps to dealing with your problems by acknolweging your problems and by seeking help and support for them. It may not seem like much, but thats huge. Here there are people who care about you, and even though I don't know you personally I am truly interested by you and your problems, and I want to help in any way I can.

    Here we can support one another, and thats a big thing for me, I really like to help people. Helping people pulls me out of low spots and distracts me from my own problems. So I guess it is a little selfish for me to be here, but if I can help ya'll out its time well spent IMO.
  7. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for that post....it's so nice of you to take the time to read through mine, post yours and care about someone you dont even know! And it's not selfish at all to be here helping people out....if it distracts you and helps you then bonus right? I do that too :)

    I took some pills....just enough to make me sleep...I slept all day and am going back to sleep in a sec.....I left my boyfriend a note to tell him not to worry and that I hadnt tried to kill myself....he still worried obviously but kind of understood that I just wanted to sleep so I couldnt hurt myself.

    Just by reading, taking and interest and replying to my posts you have helped....thank you. I dont feel totally out of this horrible patch but I feel a little more positive now. Thanks for saying you're interested by me as well....lol....I dont very often feel like an interesting person, especially since I got ill, so it's kind of a nice thing to hear/read/whatever

  8. incombustible2000

    incombustible2000 Well-Known Member

    just wanted to say hi, hope you are doing okay today
  9. Bograt

    Bograt Active Member

    :biggrin: thats what we're here for Lily, glad we could help!
  10. urban_lily

    urban_lily Well-Known Member

    thanks you guys....I just woke up, I'm ok at the moment I hope it lasts. I think that Christmas is particularly difficult time (as it is for a lot of people I guess)...it's six years ago since my granfer died this month but I still cant seem to cope with it at all. I'm going to try and immurse myself in making my sister's Christmas present today....
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