Feeling so stupid, helpless, hopeless.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Darkpenguin, Sep 19, 2009.

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  1. Darkpenguin

    Darkpenguin New Member

    So where to start? I don't even know!
    I guess what's brought me here is a break-up, it's really cliche I know but that on top of everything else is too much and I don't know who to talk to.
    The one person I want to talk to about how I'm feeling I can't, she's no longer around as of last night and the last fight we'll ever have and even if she was still around I couldn't tell her because I wouldn't want to make her feel guilty for having a part to play in my downfall. She doesn't deserve that.

    To get to the start I'd like to say that since leaving school in 1999 I've always lacked direction in life, I ended up in a dead-end job, the last place I wanted to be. Got myself into debt when I turned 18 and that's when feelings of not wanting to be here anymore started. I should have been enjoying life but I was a social recluse. I had the internet, music and self-harm and no bright rosey future to look to beyond me and my room.

    So I guess it's snowballed since there really, quite a few destructive relationships later and I'm here, jobless, living alone, £10,000 and rising debt that I can't pay and friends and family that I don't want to tell how I feel because I'm enough of a burden for myself let alone someone else. And to top it all off the one good thing I had this year I pushed away to the point she no longer want's to know. I was destructive to the point of making her feel like rubbish because that's how I feel. Why should she feel good being with me when I don't even feel good being me?

    I honestly don't see any other way out, I'm not living anyway, I'm existing, that's it.
    I don't fear death and that scares me a lot.
    There are more small details to my story that I could cover but don't quite know how to get them across without sounding pathetic.

    Really don't know what to do, just want this pain and suffering to go and don't know how to do it. I just don't enjoy anything anymore and that scares me too.

    Help.
     
  2. Izziebabystar

    Izziebabystar Well-Known Member

    oh babe
    im sorry to hear that
    things will get better
    i know it doesnt seem like it atm but i promise you that it will
    im talking from experiance
    im always here if you wana talk xxx
     
  3. Darkpenguin

    Darkpenguin New Member

    So I took a step forward, or a step back depending on how you see things.
    I emailed my ex, poured my heart out and let her know why I was so destructive. I let her know how I'm feeling and that I have major issues.
    I also told her not to blame herself if anything happens, that it's not her fault.
    That part scares me alot because that actually makes it sound like a suicide note.
    I also told her she was the first close person I've told about how I'm feeling.
    I'm going to try and talk to another friend later when he gets back from work as he's the only person I really trust to tell, and I also trust he'll help pull me back from the edge and stop me doing something stupid.
    I just hope I have the courage to tell him when I couldn't even tell my ex in the 6 months we were together.
    I do feel slightly better sending that email to my ex, even if she doesn't read it I'll be at ease with anything I do knowing I've told her it's not her fault. She's a lovely girl and doesn't deserve to feel guilty.
     
  4. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi, I am coming in a bit late to your story but hope things have gotten better for you..ya know you can always talk to us we are here 24/7 and always know what you are going through so don't worry about leaning on us.

    Nice to have you here and let us know how you are doing please...I care.
    Hugs Bambi
     
  5. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Try being 45 with a deadend job and $100,000+ thousand in debt. You have a lot of room to get it together, so try not to beat yourself up so much.

    I commend you for reaching out to your ex and explaining yourself. Also, try at least to talk to your loved ones because it isn't that they'll be burdened. The real burden of suicides is your loved ones feeling they didn't know so they could help you. I've had two people I know kill themselves and my biggest pain was not knowing how they felt, that I could have listened because of my own darkness. There are human beings out there who truly like to help other people, so give them the chance to help you or offer you some guidance.

    You're young so there is still the chance something can fall in your lap. Oftentimes our greatest adventures come when we're not even looking for them. Make a plan and hunker down to pay off your debt. I'm on a plan and it's working. It'll take time, but it's my responsibility.
     
  6. Darkpenguin

    Darkpenguin New Member

    Well I did something good, or stupid last night depending on how you see it.
    I went out with some old friends that I haven't seen in a long time and got drunk. The drunk part could have been very bad, with how all over the place I am and how I do things on impulse usually it could have ended bad last night.
    As it turns out I told an old close friend exactly how I was feeling and he listened and understood and didn't judge me. Not bad for a friend who I haven't seen in over a year.
    On top of that my ex txt me in reply to the email I sent her, we had a bit of back and forth banter, and sort of agreed to talk on tuesday as friends I think.
    I'm not saying the thoughts aren't still there, at any given moment I could do it but I feel I'm much more likely to tell someone before I do.

    Thanks for all your support, it really is appreciated :smile:
     
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you are receivng some support remember SF is always here as well. take care okay
     
  8. unaffected

    unaffected Member

    I know exactly how you feel man my mother got herself into loads of debt but luckily with a lot of time we did manage to sort it unfortunately this made us end up in a small dirty flat I hate living here and wish I had the money to move to a better place.
    About the girlfriend thing well I just lost the best girl in my life about a month ego I begged her not to leave me but she wouldn’t have it but I guess it was my depression that drove her away now I realize I should have been so much happier to have such a special girl in my life and we been together for 3 years so its very painful for me atm.
    With my lack of success it just makes me want to die I am so tired of going after my dream but always getting crushed because it won’t work how I want I don’t know how much longer I can keep at it.
     
  9. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    stay strong man all of us here at SF care.
     
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