Feeling So Tired...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lone_Wolf, Sep 19, 2016.

  1. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    Sorry this might be a bit of a rant.

    I've reached my breaking point again. For a while I was going well again and being a bit functional but now I'm back to zero. I started having problems with flashbacks earlier that kept getting stronger. They had went away now but now I see it in my dreams. I was 121 days free of self harm - 4 months - and now I'm at zero. I almost had a drug relapse too...

    Everything has felt hazy lately. I couldn't stop crying no matter where I was today and I couldn't breathe. My vision started to get blurry. I had to leave earlier today so that I wouldn't have a panic attack in public. I went home and just laid on the bed. It felt as though there was a weight on me and I couldn't move. I laid like that and cried for some hours and finally moved to just cut myself. I almost killed myself too but what stopped me is that I couldn't find anything to do it with. Almost gave into alcoholism. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster and I have a hard time recalling things. It's like my mind has fragmented.

    I'm also tired of being alone. I never really had any close friends during childhood and now I'm nothing more than an socially inept adult that is constantly reminded this by others that is still alone. I have no idea how to navigate social situations and I usually feel so tired from talking to the voices all the time that I don't really socialize. I feel lonely yet always occupied due to these voices. I just wish I could fit in on some level.

    I attempted suicide in October of last year and now it's almost October again and I still haven't found the will to live. Can't figure out where to go from here. I'm enrolled in university but I keep failing those courses or dropping them. I'll probably drop out soon but I don't know what to do about a job. If I was dead I could stop being a financial burden. I just feel that it's difficult to be successful when you don't want to live.

    I'm "studying" but I already haven't turned in many of the assignments. I'll probably need to drop the courses again.

    Sometimes I do risky activities in hopes that someone will do the deed for me.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. clinomaniac

    clinomaniac Member

    Hi Lone_Wolf,

    I wish I had answers or solutions for you, but I don't. In fact I know almost nothing about you. What I do know is that because you are a human being with feelings you deserve to live and to have a certain quality of life. That's a given, you don't need to earn it.

    I sometimes feel worthless because others financially support me, I flunked out of college twice, I have a "broken brain" (i.e. mental illness) and don't have enough "self control" or "willpower" to refrain from doing self-destructive things that upset and otherwise "burden" people. Do you think that I should kill myself? Probably not. Without knowing anything about me you probably have some sense that my life has inherent value. The same goes for you.

    Feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel worthless doesn't mean you are worthless. Just because you feel like a failure doesn't mean that you are a failure.

    The fact is you've survived nearly a year with virtually no will to live. You had the coping skills and personal fortitude to abstain from self harm for 121 days straight. I'm not sure how long you've been sober for, but given the emotional and circumstantial hardships you've been up against I genuinely admire you for whatever length of sobriety you've achieved. I haven't been sober for more than a week straight since I first started drinking, so I'm serious when I say I'm impressed by the fight you're putting up against alcoholism.

    I don't know shit about how much you're suffering. I don't know shit about what is like to be you. But I know you're a worthwhile person who can understand others like yourself and make them feel less alone.

    Please keep sharing in these forums and stay safe.
    Thauoy likes this.
  3. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Lone Wolf there is so much in your post that I could say "ditto" to. You are not at all alone in your thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry that you hurt yourself, but I understand. I'm so glad that you didn't pick up a drink and that alone is a great accomplishment. October has historically been a tough month for me as well.

    Keep "talking" here and go to meetings if you are able. Thank you for sharing so much of what I also feel.
    Thauoy likes this.
  4. Lone_Wolf

    Lone_Wolf Well-Known Member

    Sorry it double posted.
  5. Wiltingone

    Wiltingone Well-Known Member

    Sorry I missed your reply yesterday. I hope you were able to postpone your plans. For many of us that's the best that we can do during tough times. Keep posting and keep adding onto your days and months one day at a time.
  6. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Clearly you are in a bad place emotionally and your coping skills have been ignored.

    I feel you need immediate help and should seek it today, right now.

    Be kinder.

    It is never pathetic to feel. We all react a little differently when we suffer. But your emotions are valid and they have value. Get back to accepting them and using your coping skills to help you overcome your self destructive impulses. There are other options.

    Not doing your assignments? Then do them. Give yourself a chance to succeed.
  7. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Social skills we can learn as we get older. I'm quiet. When I decide to sit and talk with someone they typically say, wow, you're completely different than I imagined. Then I go back to being quiet because I get to choose who and when. I struggle with my self doubts, but in this I know I can be in control.