Sorry this might be a bit of a rant. I've reached my breaking point again. For a while I was going well again and being a bit functional but now I'm back to zero. I started having problems with flashbacks earlier that kept getting stronger. They had went away now but now I see it in my dreams. I was 121 days free of self harm - 4 months - and now I'm at zero. I almost had a drug relapse too... Everything has felt hazy lately. I couldn't stop crying no matter where I was today and I couldn't breathe. My vision started to get blurry. I had to leave earlier today so that I wouldn't have a panic attack in public. I went home and just laid on the bed. It felt as though there was a weight on me and I couldn't move. I laid like that and cried for some hours and finally moved to just cut myself. I almost killed myself too but what stopped me is that I couldn't find anything to do it with. Almost gave into alcoholism. I feel pathetic for feeling this way. Everyday is an emotional roller coaster and I have a hard time recalling things. It's like my mind has fragmented. I'm also tired of being alone. I never really had any close friends during childhood and now I'm nothing more than an socially inept adult that is constantly reminded this by others that is still alone. I have no idea how to navigate social situations and I usually feel so tired from talking to the voices all the time that I don't really socialize. I feel lonely yet always occupied due to these voices. I just wish I could fit in on some level. I attempted suicide in October of last year and now it's almost October again and I still haven't found the will to live. Can't figure out where to go from here. I'm enrolled in university but I keep failing those courses or dropping them. I'll probably drop out soon but I don't know what to do about a job. If I was dead I could stop being a financial burden. I just feel that it's difficult to be successful when you don't want to live. I'm "studying" but I already haven't turned in many of the assignments. I'll probably need to drop the courses again. Sometimes I do risky activities in hopes that someone will do the deed for me.