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Feeling so utterly hopeless...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by rhoadsolivia, Oct 9, 2008.

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  1. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    I've tried everything... I don't know what's wrong with me!

    I have a life... semi-Idol status... Friends... a lover... But none of it helps. They're all there for what I am, Not WHO I am!

    My friends aren't worth a grain of salt anymore. I use to have loyal friends... People who would help me out no matter what. Now they're nothing but shells. They hang around when it's good and leave when it's not. Even my old friends turned into this shell of a being. I can't talk to anyone about anything. All they want to know is how to play guitar like me. They don't want to ask me how I've been or how I'm dealing with my brother being in Iraq... Nothing...

    My life is just Band after band... Show after show. Friend after friend turns fake... It hurts so much. I feel so alone. I tried to change my life and it didn't help. Why do I feel so alone? There are nights that I stay awake until dawn just silently crying... Thoughts creep in that I can't control.

    Hell, even my "Significant Other" doesn't truly care two shits about me. I'm just bragging rights... Everyone I meet ends up looking at me as that. All I want is to feel better, just for one day...

    One day without this sadness...
  2. Minni

    Minni Member

    Don't be discouraged.
    There used to be a time I was feeling the same way. I was being used and everywhere I went only fake smiles and stuff. But when I was in need of those so-called friends none of them were there.
    It's normal. You say you have friends but they all are just there because of your fame maybe? Or talent. But not for the person you are. Why do you care about them then? Dump those kinda people, so they'll know that you're not someone to mess around with. It's better to be alone than to have fake friends. I know what I'm talking about. People are greedy and selfish. Well, not all of them but the majority is. Have you every tried to talk to your lover? If he/she is the same then dump her/him. It's not worth it and you will probably feel better to not live a lie.
    Try to go somewhere people don't know you. Someplace where your identity as an idol is not as known.
    I'm sure there is someone out there who will accept you the way you are. I don't know much about you but I hope I could at least help you a little bit. If you need to talk urgently, don't hesitate to PM.
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You are going to run into that alot, being in a band espesialy if you are receiving noteriety with the band. Thats why alot of them Stay isolated in their mansions. Once the cash starts coming in from you getting better you can start taking time here and there and go places no one knows you and Just vacation for a week or two. Molly Hatchett hit it big with three different albums and toured like a year then they went back to their roots and started playing bars again. I guess they felt the fans there were more real. I don't know if that is the case or not, but I do know they are back to their roots.
    You will also start hanging with other bands because they have to live the same kind of life. So what I am saying is eventually you will find others you can hang with. As far as the GF goes I would dump her butt. She is using your status to make herself more important. Take Care and if you need to talk then PM me!!~Joseph~
  4. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    I've tried to move away, but there's nothing out there for me. Peace and tranquility only make me think of things I'd rather not think of, nor divulge at this moment...

    But Moving away where my "Status" isn't as known isn't even the answer because The people there will start it all up again. That's kind of just running from the problem.

    Also, I hang out with plenty of band members and what-not and they don't understand me when I try to talk of this...

    I don't know... I just get so depressed at times over the smallest things.

    And my "Gf", so to speak, Is a problem I deal with on a decent level. I don't really know what to think of her at times...
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I understand that pain. I have felt it from many if not all of my relationships. I hope here you can see that we love you for who you are, not what you are.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I am sorry if I touched a sore spot with you. I was only trying to offer you an alternative way of thought. I will back off and let others who know you take it from here...~Joseph~
  7. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Perhaps you could seek medical help to discover ways to deal with how you're feeling ?I know everyone is different but i have started therapy recently and am really finding it helpful. Give it a try if you think you could. :hug:
  8. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    Hey, Sorry I didn't reply sooner. You didn't touch a sore spot with me. It's just hard to convey my message in a "Proper" way when I'm depressed... I always feel down. I get up and happy for a couple minutes a day or so, but then I'm right back down... I'm always paranoid about everyone. It sucks.

    But seriously, the more you get to know me, the more you'll see that I'm possibly the easiest person to get along with, provided you don't betray me, Lol... But I'm just seriously depressed all the time man... I think it drives the friends with actual friendship potential away, But who the hell knows?
  9. Not meaning to cause offence and, although it may sound stereo-typing, band + tour often = drug use. Normally some type of stimulant in all the people I've known about.

    Such drugs often have the side-effects that you are describing in both how you feel about yourself and how you feel others view you. Naturally no-one here would expect you to confirm/deny drug-use but if there has been even moderate usage in your life you might want to take the advice already given and seek professional medical assistance - but ensure to tell them your drug history.

    Again, not every band I've known/played with has had drug usage - i was just throwing the idea out there.
  10. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    Well, I can answer that stereo-type honestly... I don't do drugs anymore... Not a touch of it. Cocaine was destroying me at one point in my life and I had to stop it. That was actually before I started touring and stuff too.

    So yeah, I'm drug-free now, and have been for 4 years. I don't really even have an urge for drugs. But yeah, I use to do coke before I went on tour and things. I was living like a rockstar without being one, Lol... But I don't think that's the problem at all. I went to see a psychiatrist about two years ago and he didn't help much. About 300 bucks for nothing...
  11. Cocaine, like most narcotics, has long term effects even after you stop using. Call a drug support line, (probably best to call a few because some talk absolute bollocks), and discuss your usage and the residual effects.

    Sadly, I'm unaware of any "cure" despite the promises made. But if you can put your perceptions about yourself and others into a box marked "just my imagination because of previous drug use" it might be a hell of a lot easier to cope with.

    Of course, you could be absolutely right about the people around you and yourself, (your lover for sure at any rate), but the possibility that it is simply a chemical imbalance certainly eases the daily pain a bit.
  12. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    Oh it's definitely NOT about the old Cocaine use... I'm tired of everyone trying to push things into the "It must be the old drug use..." Box. Everyone around here tries to pull that shit. This whole "I did it because I wasn't in the right state of mind! I'm use to being on Crack and now that I stopped, my brain's screwed up" is Bullshit...

    I've been paranoid far before I even started Cocaine... And I'm Tired of talking to people who are giving me advice, when I know more about the subject at hand than they do...
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You should see another doc and have put you in patient for a couple of weeks so you can be diagnosed. It sounds like you might be bipolar, or maybe mood swings. They can help get you more stable. Having to go into a clinic isn't anything to worry about. They aren't that bad. If anything they are boring. Unfortunately that is about the best way to get diagnosed. Good Luck!!!~Joseph~
  14. WOW stop being a brat. You have friends and a lover, what more do you want?
  15. rhoadsolivia

    rhoadsolivia Member

    What more could one want!!!!!! Oh My God!!! I have fake friends and a Lover not worth two shits half the time!!!! How ever could one take False people around him for granted!

    Quite Frankly, I'd rather have no one around me... Complete solitude... Now that sounds great! But unfortunately, That's not an option at the moment. And it probably wont be for awhile.
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