Feeling stuck after failing

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Lee :), Dec 31, 2013.

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  1. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    So I was discharged from hospital after a suicide attempt a few days ago. This wasn't the first time I have tried unsuccessfully or been hospitalised for suicide and self harm issues. The last couple of times I tried I planned it so carefully I knew exactly what I needed to do and when to so it in order to be successful (but it never was) however this time was different. Although my depression and various other mental health issues have got really out of hand and uncontrollable lately I didn't have an exact plan to end it, I mean I had thought about it I always do but I had not made specific arrangements this time.

    After a typical day of crying and thinking about how miserable I am I decided to have a couple of drinks to ease the pain because it usually helps... Anyway, long story short, I was very very drunk and saw an opportunity to end it. I took all of the antidepressents I had left plus my friends sleeping pills from the bathroom cabinet and washed them down with more alcohol. Just in case this wasn't to work I also cut a little deeper than usual.

    I remember going to lay down and expecting to fall asleep and not wake up. I don't remember much after this... The next thing I knew I was in hospital, a pretty familiar place for me but I was scared and confused.
    I don't know how it didn't work. I can't understand why god can't rid me of my pain and just let me die :'( I was in hospital for almost a week I think it's still kind of blurry but I had lots of appointments with doctors, psychairists and other people it was kind of good to get some stuff that makes me feel so sad off my chest but it also really upset me. Explaining the same thing to different people so many times was hard because it made me so upset each time and left me feeling worse.

    While I was there they changed my medication as my other one was making matters worse and taught me some coping strategies that don't really work for me :( so yeah I feel like attempting got me nowhere and just left me worse off than before... And to make matters worse my extremely abusive parents found out which is the last thing I need. Although I no longer live with them they still make my life harder.
    Even though I know how much worse attempting suicide made my situation I can't help but think about "checking out early". I wouldn't try again unless I knew it would certainly work and I don't really have access to anything that would put me in that position so yeah I feel stuck and I don't think things can get better... I mean I can hope and everything but at the end of the day it doesn't matter anyway :/

    Sorry for the mad long post I've been thinking about this so much and felt like getting a small part of it off my chest, I haven't really told anyone about my feelings after it, just trying to keep myself out of the psych ward.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Tell someone ok don't leave the psych ward until your meds are working and you are stable It is good you are there because now they know the old meds were not working Give the new ones a chance to work ok hugs
     
  3. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    I have already left still seeing the psych tho idk if these meds will work I hope so
     
  4. OldGuy

    OldGuy Active Member

    I hope you have a supportive therapist. If so just say “what the F**” and tell him or her exactly what you are feeling and experiencing. A good is like a hunting guide. They’ll keep you safe while leading in the direction of your goal. Lean on your therapist the hardest when feel like you really don’t want to.

    Also I had good experience with 1-800-273-TALK (8255) (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US). Calling them prevented me from taking action when I really felt “I need to die”. (A caveat it can take 30 seconds or so the be connected with a person. I know its annoying when you’re in a crisis but don’t hang up.)

    You don’t have to be suicidal to call them. They’ve helped people with substance abuse, economic worries, relationship and family problems, sexual orientation, illness, getting over abuse, depression, mental and physical illness, and even loneliness. They can help you find resource in you community. They’ve called be back to follow-up when I’ve been in a severe crisis
     
  5. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    Yeah I psych I'm seeing now is okay I find it really hard to talk about things tho because I'm generally a pretty private person and I can't explain how I feel too well. Also I find crisis lines difficult because I tend to be panicked and really all over the place when I feel extremely suicidal so talking, even just calming down enough to talk is so hard. Thanks for your suggestions tho, I appreciate it
     
  6. OldGuy

    OldGuy Active Member

    I was in the hospital for an attempt this past weekend. I wrote a post here about it. I gave a copy of my SF post to my therapist. She said it was helpful. So maybe you can do the same with your post. It's already written so need to stress over what you going to say or write.
     
  7. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    I'm sorry you were in that position :( I hope you're feeling better. That's not a bad idea I might try it I just get nervous a lot
     
  8. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Im so sorry to hear your in so much pain Lee. I really hope the new meds work just give it some time at least for now you will figure out the rest when it comes. I wish I knew the answers but Im silently hoping you can pull through this difficult time some day and be happier like you deserve. (hug)
     
  9. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    Thanks ravens thats very sweet of you, yeah I am trying to be patient with the medication but I don't think it will work, the others didn't :/
     
  10. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Thats good just one day at a time. Though I think a lot of mental health issues are more than just a chemical imbalance, most likely there are many factors, how we cope with stress, life experiences, our environment, people we are around, our diet and exercise routine. Along with this stuff its also a stressful time growing up and trying to find our place in the world. I dont know the answers but we still have time to try to find a solution :)
     
  11. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    Yeah I agree but I'm not too good at coping with stress in a positive way, life experiences have been nothing but abuse and toxic relationships, environment is shitty and no motivation to exercise. Yeah am trying to work towards a solution and I try my best to tell my psychiatrist as much as I can without losing it but he just thinks I shouldn't have left the hospital so soon so I'm scared of being put back in there I really can't deal with that right now. Sorry for the rant but thanks ravens
     
  12. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    I can totally understand not wanting to be in the hospital against your will, but im glad you open up as much as you can to the Dr. Please stick around though you are really young and we dont know where life will take us. I cant guarantee things will get better but you have lots of time to figure it out just one step at a time keep reaching out and maybe one day you will be in a better position even though I know its so hard to imagine that right now.
     
  13. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    It is hard to see things being better especially being physically ill, not just mentally ill but I don't think infill try again although I can't keep the matter off my mind
     
  14. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Im sorry you are going through such an awful time Lee :(
     
  15. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    It's ok
     
  16. rigadoog

    rigadoog Active Member

    i know the "right" thing to do is for someone to stay in the psych ward when they feel suicidal, but seriously its never helped me. if i get put in again my plan is to lie and get out as soon as possible. thats the last place thats going to make me feel any better about my situation.
     
  17. Lee :)

    Lee :) Active Member

    Yeah I agree, lately I have been lying to my psych so I will stay out
     
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    great plan.... got one to help you get better, or just one to make sure u stay stuck?
     
  19. kristina1951

    kristina1951 Member

    I hope that things are better now. One thing that has helped me is to self impose a waiting period.Also, I've found that I'm very impulsive and want to do it every time I drink. You're waiting time might be hours, or days. I've worked my way up to 12 weeks if I stay down that long after intervention.But I think of it constantly.If you can just hold on. I know how hopeless it can seem, but I found improvement after a decade of misery, and for a time was really happy.I'm glad that I made it just for those years, they were worth it. I'm BP, and have had some recent set backs. I tend to give up right away, which is why the waiting period. I'm trying to control my impulses. If you can set some goals and gradually increase your "safe" time, maybe it will help. I hope that you get relief soon.
     
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