Feeling stuck and suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ahsoka23, Oct 25, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ahsoka23

    Ahsoka23 New Member

    For the past month I have been feeling a bit depressed. I truly believe that it is the environment. I dislike the city and the country that I am living in. I have been trying to leave for a long time but I think I need more money and a job to leave this place. I currently live in Warsaw, Poland and I feel lonely and completely out of place here. I came here because of a relationship that ended in 2011. But because I had no where else to go, or so I believed, I stayed, but I never really quite fit in here. And I do not think that I ever will.

    I make my living by giving private English lessons to people. It pays but I make enough to get by. However I am not happy. I used to live in Australia where I studied acting, which is something I truly love. I have gotten some acting work while I have been in Poland but it comes and it goes. I still have to give English lessons to pay bills. Everyday seems the same. I feel like I am on autopilot. I am so bored and I try, trust me I try to do something exciting bu I do not feel any excitement. I cannot seem to talk to anyone about this. I do not think anyone, especially anyone here will understand how I feel. I cannot relate to the people here. And I feel trapped. I have tried moving to Berlin where there is more diversity and people are more open, however I could not find a job. And the Polish currency is shit when you compare it to the Euro. I want to leave this place so badly. I wish there was a way out, an opportunity of any kind.

    I have been trying to focus on my acting career but in Poland if you are a non-white actor then it can be a bit difficult to get a lead or a decent role in a decent project. It has been an uphill battle for me. I had 5 auditions in the past 2 months and I have not gotten a callback from any of them. It's frustrating. It's very frustrating. It's difficult feeling positive when you are surrounded by depressing scenery and people and you try and you try and you can't seem to get over that hill. I keep asking The Universe for guidance. But maybe I am too depressed to see it. I wake up everyday and I feel nothing and I think this is not how life is meant to be. I should not be alone, I should not be sad and I should not be in Poland.

    Some of you may think, why not go out, find a guy to date or make friends. Trust me I have tried all of these things. But to be honest I do not find any of the guys here the least bit interesting. Most of the guys are all in relationships anyway so I do even try to bother. I try to talk to people but besides the people that I give lessons to, many people here are not easy to talk to, they are all either closed off or distracted with something. And I hate it. I hate it.

    What do I have to live for? Really? I have no family. I have no partner, and I barely have a career. I have had many dreams and visions about suicide. And I have partially written a letter. I have seen a psychiatrist but all she seemed to care about was putting me on pills and taking my money. I am doing everything I can. And I can seem to cope anymore. I am asking for help, anyone to help me. Please!!!!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are working then save enough money for a ticket out of there No use staying where you are just dying inside time for you to make a change ok Nothing will happen unless you decide to do it so just do it get out of there start somewhere new nothing is holding you there now
  3. needrest

    needrest Member

    Go, go go! If you have the chance: do it! You have one life to live. Time is passing by. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you're still young: don't let time slip away. Berlin is quite cheap, imho: lots of folks searching for a roommate, rooms are quite inexpensive, life in Berlin is certainly affordable compared to a lot of Western-European cities. It might be easier to find a job once you are living there. Search for a cheap room, stay for a while, and it should not be impossible to find a job. Several of my friends had success this way. I've had another friend who lived in Poland, and he felt as depressed as you do currently (he did face a lot of discrimination too, in addition, and very harsh discrimination). He felt he had to get out of there, and that he was sinking in deep depressions. I feel rather stuck myself in a very painful situation that I can't change, no matter how I tried to get out of the pain. If you can make a change: don't hesitate, do it. You will only sink in deeper depressions if you don't. (I had a few other friends who were able to find work in Brussels - although it is an expensive city, but they said it was less difficult to find work there). Good luck, be well. I hope you will find the strength to get out of this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.