But this time it's different, I don't feel like I'm in a lot of pain right now. Actually I was fine a while ago but I've now been sitting home alone as everyone has gone to celebrate christmas with their loved ones. I guess it has just reminded me how worthless and unwanted I am. Right now it feels it doesn't matter if I live or die. I'm not planning on doing it just yet but it feels pretty pointless to go on. I've been drinking pretty much every day instead. I know that it doesn't help but I don't care, I just seek that blissful numbness that alcohol can provide me. All this time I've been sort of living in the illusion that I will find love and happiness again but it doesn't seem very likely. I can't get over this apathy and depression, and I know no one will want to be with me when I'm in this state. So I'm just gonna let everything slide right now, at least I can get some enjoyment out of being drunk. I'm not a cynical person inside but I know my depression shows clearly on the outside.