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Feeling suicidal - ill/chaos-ridden/ a regular psychoaidsfag

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sylvester, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. Sylvester

    Sylvester Member

    I'm 44. I live in The Times Square Hotel, an SRO.
    I have a boyfriend who is a seriously ill paranoid schizophrenic.
    They say I am BPD/BP myself: but occasional light but serious use of cocaine in short binges makes the diagnosis more murky than years ago, when 100% clean.

    I have a lot of suicidal gestures and some attempts racked up. The last was hard to tell - in February 2008. I think it was a reaction to mania induced by Wellbutrin + Provigil.

    Yesterday, I went to my HIV doctor. I am well, but with a small immune system. I checked my mail, once home. I have been away for a week. My 300 dollar Eco. Stimulus Check was there. I forgot about it, and I am very careful to have a friend or two help with my money.
    It was hard to deposit it. It stands deposited now in the bank.

    My friend was to come to stay with me last night. But his paranoia kept him from here until after nightfall. Coming back into this bldg. is a problem for me, in contrast with the other place we stay (my ex-partner's house in Queens).

    It is so terribly complicated: my 68 year old ex- (needy/clingy), my new b-friend, (paranoid - seriously) [but a wonderful person], my ex-'s sort-of boyfriend whom he cheats on. It can be a tense household.
    And b-friend/I are too poor to find an apartment with one bedroom. We have to use programs. We are getting no place.

    I have an addiction, which is not a problem when I am with b-friend. 95% of the time. There is a person in this bldg., I've asked for help several times, who 'hustles' me - he knows my problem. So I use a little with him. Just the drugs.

    I used a loan shark since my check was in the bank. I got 40 dollars worth of lousy drug for what came to 200 dollars.
    Worse, I had to tell my b-friend what as happening, and not to come to stay with me while this was going on.

    I was numb until an hour ago. The drug event was over in 30 minutes. It was the rest...
    I tried to sleep today, since I was up late ruminating. Suddenly, I hit a panic. "I'm so unhappy."

    I thought of this place, which is on my list of favorites, although I use it little. I don't need encouragement.

    -Yes, I feel suicidal, but it is not persistent. And I have a rule: if I use drugs, no suicidal gestures. Just tough it out.
    I have to tough it out, but I want to be able to say that I really feel trapped.

    I have an ex- who is 68, but getting to the point where he seems old. He is beyond needy. Hopelessly in love with me, and it is embarrassing.
    I took on a paranoid schizophrenic boyfriend who moved here from 500 miles away. I love him, but he holds me indoors. He likes the curtains closed, he bathes little (he is clean, though, via sponge bath), and he is very suspicious of everything. Everyone he has known has abandoned him: he is just too much for most people. I want to help him, without losing myself.

    But what good am I if I have fleeting, strong feelings for using drugs? It is about 1 time per month, but always costly. If I go to 12-step groups, they don't get 1. HIV 2. mental illness - all just excuses to that crowd.

    Yet, I know I must go into some type of treatment. The extra stress on my moods that any substance creates sends me over the edge, or near it.

    I have not the pills to kill myself, or I might have already. No guts to jump off the bridge. I wish to buy a plane ticket and fly to California: run away and abandon everyone (and hope to abandon me).

    I am panicky because I know I have to go to the bank and make a withdrawal of 200 dollars to be wasted on nothing.
    I panic for the chaos I created on top of the chaos that existed without me.

    I'm tired of repeating this routine - the drug problem: one man knows I have a weakness for a drug, and teases me. He's like room service. The loan shark like me because I pay quickly. Security in this buiding has been told, by me, but they don't seem much interested in doing anything about it.
    So it is up to me to ignore this resident. I know this. Another thing to worry about.

    I hurt a person who has a mind that does not function like other minds. He is smarter than I am, but can feel so hurt by the world he mis-perceives. And I added to that world.

    I was about to let him say he was going back to where he came from, but I felt a crying jag come on. And I wrote him, telling him that I did not want to abandon him.
    In some ways, I want him to abandon me. That would be better for him ultimately, since I am unstable. But he seems so commited to me.
    I think I am commited to him, and look what I do.

    It took great effort to get into this hotel. A year, I think. String-pulling. It is a fine location. It is good for one person. I hate the drug culture, and despise my involvement in the same, even to my small degree.
    It is a way of self-medicating; and that took me years to figure out that this was so. It seems pat or popular to write that.

    Even as I atone, I know that the money is still there, and I could take it out and disappear for any number of reasons, including further drug use, more chaos, increased suicidal ideation.

    I can leave the bldg. and go to my ex-'s house, where everyone is. But there, I will be made to feel guilty. I am supposed to play for a chuch service tomorrow. I got roped into that, don't even ask!

    I just returned from a careful, but good trip visting my family after 5 years. I was too ashamed to see them, up to this point. Now, I return to my shame.

    So suicide can seem like a good option when shame, guilt, feeling trapped and lonely all come together. A big, ugly stagnant air.

    I have enough good health left, despite an AIDS diagnosis to warrant staying alive. I cost the government money in doing so, but healthcare employs a good many people.

    If there was choice to live or to die, peacefully, with dignity, I would choose to die. That is, if my mother would agree. She reminded me that losing a child is the worst... (her mother lost a child)

    I remember that much. It's not about selfishness. It is about trying to protect someone's delicate nerves. My mother is not psychologically that strong. So while I feel suicidal, I know I have to invent another way to alleviate the emotions (overwhelming ones).
    That is how the drug-use once came into play. It never really worked - now it is is nothing but a cipher of what was.

    A brisk walk is not going to do it. Lying in my bed, listening to noise in the hall, out on 43rd street is just too much irritation.

    So I write here, to discharge some of the feelings: I hope.
    If I write too long, I will get ideas. So here I will end this message, and hope - yes, hope - that I can get help in the next week.

    As long as I am alive, I can keep trying to get life going in the direction I would like. Some people are trying to redirect me: I will not suffer that for long!

    Peace to all. Always keeps your eyes open for a plan B or C or D, etc.
    I say, better to drop everything and at least pretend to move to a new city than it is to die in the one you are stuck in.

    I will do something.
    peace, sylvester
  2. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Yes, you do write long, but it's long, interesting reading. I've been accused of the same thing. I, as do you, find some of the answers to my musings by writing and reading philosophical books written for the commoner.

    I support you in your attempt to leave drugs behind. As you said, they don't last long, they're expensive and they leave you feeling frustrated.

    Continue on with your writing and contemplation. They're healthy.
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Syl...so glad you checked in again...hope you can get some stability now that you are in the hotel...if I remember correctly, before living there your life was rather chaotic...please continue to let us know how you are doing...all the best, J
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