Feeling Suicidal Scares Me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by miXXedUp, Mar 10, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    Hi all,
    This is my first post here, so please bear with me. I'm 35 years old and have suffered PTSD since being raped in 1993.

    I lived in denial for years and over the last 4-5 years I have suffered flashbacks, nightmares, depression etc etc. Sometimes things are 'ok' - I exist, by keep everything burried away deep inside me. Then something will happen, to trigger memories. Sometimes it's a one-off, and that's somehow manageable, but other times everything spirals out of control leading to deep depression. This is where I am now. Although, I'm currently off sick from work I desperately want to keep my job.

    But I have too many suicidal thoughts. To begin with they were just various ideas, almost fantasies; how, when etc. But more recently they have been forming a plan. I have a fail-safe method. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. Obviously part of me wants to die, to get away from the hell of PTSD, but part of me wants to fight and survive. I don't want that b*st*rd that raped me to win, but I'm not sure how much more of this crap I can take. I worry that at a really low moment, I will follow through with my plans. I think the only thing that stops me from going through with it is, that I don't want to cause my family (parents and brother) any pain.

    I live alone, and have pretty much pushed away all of my friends with my 'wierd' behaviour and depression. And my family know nothing about what I have been/ am going through (it's just not an option).

    I'm so bad at talking out loud about my problems that a couple of attempts at therapy have been useless. Writing about things is a little easier.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, instead of just 'lurking' and reading posts, but I thought I'd post here, because I had a little more than just hi, and I didn't want to write something inappropriate in the 'welcome' section. (however, if I've written this in the wrong place, feel free to move it)

    Thanks for reading

  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hey mixxed welcome to SF and I'm so proud of you for the courage you have shown at posting here. Depression is a horrible demon. It shows us only negative things and makes us believe it to boot!!! And yes, it can be very terrifying, especially if you are trying to battle it alone. But you aren't alone any longer. You have all the members here to help you through this. I know what you mean about writing being easier than actual verbal expression. And most times I can experss myself in so much more depth in written word. And that is a good thing, because it helps others to understand and help me much more. Please post as much as or as many times as you need to. Get it out and off your chest. Thats the 1st step in fighting the depression. It will make you feel a little less terrified once you know others understand your pain and that even more so that others are experiencing the same thing as you. Don't worry about the therapy. That too will happen when the time is right. When you feel more comfortable with yourself. PM me anytime if you need a shoulder to lean on or an ear to scream in.
  3. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    Thank you sooo much for your speedy reply. It's always hard posting, worrying and wondering if people will just ignore you, or think bad things of you. I guess my self esteem is pretty much non existant, and I don't believe that I am worthy of another person spending their time to try to help me - so thanks
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi MU, welcome and glad you found us...maybe a support group would decrease the pressure for you to talk/share...there are many; usually associated with larger practices and clinics...I know first hand (ugh) the trauma of PTSD, and how all-encompassing the problems can be...posting and sharing here is a very brave step...suicidal ideation may be a way to reduce the stress...this has been true for me...once I have been able to express how I feel and be supported and cared for, I have felt less shame, and have been better able to be in the world...plez PM me if I can be any help...big hugs, J
  5. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    I have my first appointment tomorrow afternoon with a psychologist at a Post Traumatic Stress Clinic. I'm actually really scared about having to 'talk'. I know that is really stupid and a bit pathetic, but I seriously find it so, so hard, to say things out loud. I know it's for my own benefit, and I'm really glad/lucky that my referal has come through so quickly, but that doesn't stop me being scared and my anxiety levels are through the roof! I'm really putting all my energy into trying to stay calm and grounded.

    I'm even worrying about the little things; driving over there, finding the place, where to park, whether I'll be in any fit state afterwards to get myself home again etc etc. If I'm up to it in the morning I may drive over, and see how long it takes, find out about parking etc - so to help ease off some of the stress in the afternoon.

    I often feel that i don't even understand my own emotions - but I know that I want the pain to stop. I think I know deep down that suicide isn't the answer, but it's a craving for peace (does that make any sense?). Like I said before, just the fact that I have considered this really scares me. But now I have a plan and that also scares me. What if things get so bad that I go through with it? When I only had vague ideas, I felt safe. Even my GP asked me today, about suicide - I told him I was safe. But I'm not sure who I was trying to convince; him or me.

    Even having a couple of replies to my post has made me cry - and I never cry. Well ok, I cry at sad TV progammes, but I never cry for me...

    sorry - not sure what else to say.....
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi again...I know I fear the unknown more than just about anything else...after your first session, you will have a better understanding of what the relationship will be...it takes time to feel comfortable, so be patient and kind to yourself...and no, it is neither stupid nor pathetic...it is rather normal to fear/be concerned about new theraputic relationships where we have to reveal ourselves...to feel otherwise is probably more abnormal...hope you find a space to tell your story and to feel how worthy and special you are...all of that is taken from us when we are so violated...big hugs, J
  7. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I go through the exact same anxieties over everything, even using the ATM. I basically stay home, not a solution, but it works for me for now. And yes, the support group is a terrific thing. It is so empowering being in a room filled with people that are or have been where you are now. They can offer support, get you in touch with resources you would never even of imagined and nobody expects anything from you. You don't have to say a word if you aren't up to it. But the funny thing is, before you know it, you are. You'll be telling your story or even giving advice to others. You feel like you have found a place to belong. And you have found some people that will be there for you because they want to and not because they have to ( as opposed to professionals such as docs). And as strange as it sounds, my self esteem isn't an issue for me here. In the real world, I'm nothing more than a little country mouse afraid of the world around me. But here, I can always be exactly who I'm feeling like. Some days, strong and able to help others, and somedays needing the help myself. But no matter what the person I "am" I have no problem accepting that person that day here in the forum. Hope you are able to find that too some day soon.
  8. Trident

    Trident Active Member

    I do not know what to say, all I can say now is that I wish you lots of big strenght for your appointment and that you may find all the answers you ve been struggling for and be able to talk about your pain.
    All my love and hugs.
  9. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    Thank you for all your replies, your advice, and your well wishes - it is all more than I ever expected. Thank you x
  10. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni


    I'm so sorry to hear about your past. Simply the fact that you are still with us is admirable - don't play down your strength!

    I am 19 and was sexually assulted when i was 11. My story is different to yours so I will never be able to know how you feel, but to some extent, I understand. You're not alone in this fight! Stay strong! :smile:

    Shauna xo
  11. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    You've come to the right place. I hope you get the strength to fight this and live. Peace to you.
  12. miXXedUp

    miXXedUp Member

    Once again, Than you for all your kind words. Thanks pit and Shauna Lea, for your words of encouragement.
    However I don't feel very strong at the moment but hope to go on fighting - thank you
  13. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    I know you don't feel strong but just think of how far you've come - surely that's something to be proud of!
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.