Hi all,
This is my first post here, so please bear with me. I'm 35 years old and have suffered PTSD since being raped in 1993.
I lived in denial for years and over the last 4-5 years I have suffered flashbacks, nightmares, depression etc etc. Sometimes things are 'ok' - I exist, by keep everything burried away deep inside me. Then something will happen, to trigger memories. Sometimes it's a one-off, and that's somehow manageable, but other times everything spirals out of control leading to deep depression. This is where I am now. Although, I'm currently off sick from work I desperately want to keep my job.
But I have too many suicidal thoughts. To begin with they were just various ideas, almost fantasies; how, when etc. But more recently they have been forming a plan. I have a fail-safe method. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. Obviously part of me wants to die, to get away from the hell of PTSD, but part of me wants to fight and survive. I don't want that b*st*rd that raped me to win, but I'm not sure how much more of this crap I can take. I worry that at a really low moment, I will follow through with my plans. I think the only thing that stops me from going through with it is, that I don't want to cause my family (parents and brother) any pain.
I live alone, and have pretty much pushed away all of my friends with my 'wierd' behaviour and depression. And my family know nothing about what I have been/ am going through (it's just not an option).
I'm so bad at talking out loud about my problems that a couple of attempts at therapy have been useless. Writing about things is a little easier.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, instead of just 'lurking' and reading posts, but I thought I'd post here, because I had a little more than just hi, and I didn't want to write something inappropriate in the 'welcome' section. (however, if I've written this in the wrong place, feel free to move it)
Thanks for reading
MU
This is my first post here, so please bear with me. I'm 35 years old and have suffered PTSD since being raped in 1993.
I lived in denial for years and over the last 4-5 years I have suffered flashbacks, nightmares, depression etc etc. Sometimes things are 'ok' - I exist, by keep everything burried away deep inside me. Then something will happen, to trigger memories. Sometimes it's a one-off, and that's somehow manageable, but other times everything spirals out of control leading to deep depression. This is where I am now. Although, I'm currently off sick from work I desperately want to keep my job.
But I have too many suicidal thoughts. To begin with they were just various ideas, almost fantasies; how, when etc. But more recently they have been forming a plan. I have a fail-safe method. To be honest it scares the hell out of me. Obviously part of me wants to die, to get away from the hell of PTSD, but part of me wants to fight and survive. I don't want that b*st*rd that raped me to win, but I'm not sure how much more of this crap I can take. I worry that at a really low moment, I will follow through with my plans. I think the only thing that stops me from going through with it is, that I don't want to cause my family (parents and brother) any pain.
I live alone, and have pretty much pushed away all of my friends with my 'wierd' behaviour and depression. And my family know nothing about what I have been/ am going through (it's just not an option).
I'm so bad at talking out loud about my problems that a couple of attempts at therapy have been useless. Writing about things is a little easier.
Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, instead of just 'lurking' and reading posts, but I thought I'd post here, because I had a little more than just hi, and I didn't want to write something inappropriate in the 'welcome' section. (however, if I've written this in the wrong place, feel free to move it)
Thanks for reading
MU