Feeling suicidal still

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by flyboy, Apr 14, 2014.

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  1. flyboy

    flyboy New Member

    What I don't get is the boundless depths of my cowardice. Having failed at everything in life that was important to me, at the age of 56 I see no reason to do anything more constructive than to shuffle off this mortal coil while I still have the physical ability to do so. But that's unlikely to happen, as the universe hates me so and, like a cat playing with a mouse before she kills it, I also am at the end of a particularly nasty rope and now hanging on by less than a thread.

    I have felt depressed for many years. Perhaps it has made me an underachiever. Perhaps I've used depression as an excuse to underachieve. Either way the result was the same.

    My wife, who I never had the guts to leave, is a wonderful woman who doesn't deserve to live with my constant depression, but would take it as the ultimate hurt were I to leave her. In fact, suicide seems a less drastic solution than divorce. There is nothing wrong with her other than we are completely incompatible. And living with someone with whom you are completely incompatible makes life a living hell.

    The reason for this is that you have no good reason for feeling the way you do. She didn't beat you. She didn't treat you with disrespect. She merely exists on a different planet. "A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together?"

    I am a horrible person who deserves nothing but to die. Maybe I'll get lucky and get run over by a train tomorrow. But that probably won't happen. For my life is ruled by the iron rule of irony.

    Einstein is reported to have said that the universe is a friendly place. Many people have taken that saying and run with it. I have found the universe a place that is not only unfriendly, but cruel in a "Mean Girls" sort of way. It giggles as it steals my health. It titters as my children descend into madness. It LOLs at my attempts to be in business. And now I am facing a debilitating disease that kills by not killing you. It asks you to live to a ripe old age while making the very act of living a living hell.

    Back in the 90's I wrote a eulogy for my own funeral. I wish I'd had the guts to end it all back then. Then my wife would have had plenty of time to recover and remarry, not to mention get a tidy insurance settlement, as we were bother working back then. But now it's too late to do either of us any good.

    Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So either way, I'll be damned.

    Sorry you lost 5 minutes of your life reading this tripe.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't be sorry for writing your feeling and thoughts out here that is why this place exist so you can reach out to others so one can release the sadness some. Have you and your wife received any couples counseling It may help to find that love you once had that connection you once had. The depression is it being treated with meds or therapy i hope so
    Just so you can live life without the deep darkness I am sorry you are feeling so down but hope you continue to talk to us here You are not alone ok lots of people here do understand the damed if you do and if you don't line. me being one of them hugs to you
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Didnt know that about the world being a fun place. Its cool you were able to coexist like a fish and a bird with your wife without one consuming another. We know fish eat bird or bird eat fish.

    Its a dog eat dog world out there Not going to lie but some dogs figure out how to exist Iin packs while others dont.

    Hang in there just letting you know youre not alone.
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