What I don't get is the boundless depths of my cowardice. Having failed at everything in life that was important to me, at the age of 56 I see no reason to do anything more constructive than to shuffle off this mortal coil while I still have the physical ability to do so. But that's unlikely to happen, as the universe hates me so and, like a cat playing with a mouse before she kills it, I also am at the end of a particularly nasty rope and now hanging on by less than a thread. I have felt depressed for many years. Perhaps it has made me an underachiever. Perhaps I've used depression as an excuse to underachieve. Either way the result was the same. My wife, who I never had the guts to leave, is a wonderful woman who doesn't deserve to live with my constant depression, but would take it as the ultimate hurt were I to leave her. In fact, suicide seems a less drastic solution than divorce. There is nothing wrong with her other than we are completely incompatible. And living with someone with whom you are completely incompatible makes life a living hell. The reason for this is that you have no good reason for feeling the way you do. She didn't beat you. She didn't treat you with disrespect. She merely exists on a different planet. "A bird may love a fish, but where would they build a home together?" I am a horrible person who deserves nothing but to die. Maybe I'll get lucky and get run over by a train tomorrow. But that probably won't happen. For my life is ruled by the iron rule of irony. Einstein is reported to have said that the universe is a friendly place. Many people have taken that saying and run with it. I have found the universe a place that is not only unfriendly, but cruel in a "Mean Girls" sort of way. It giggles as it steals my health. It titters as my children descend into madness. It LOLs at my attempts to be in business. And now I am facing a debilitating disease that kills by not killing you. It asks you to live to a ripe old age while making the very act of living a living hell. Back in the 90's I wrote a eulogy for my own funeral. I wish I'd had the guts to end it all back then. Then my wife would have had plenty of time to recover and remarry, not to mention get a tidy insurance settlement, as we were bother working back then. But now it's too late to do either of us any good. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. So either way, I'll be damned. Sorry you lost 5 minutes of your life reading this tripe.