Hi, my name is Chris, I've been looking on the internet for a forum to talk and found this one, I hope it's ok to post. I've been struggling with mental health issues for years, however, never looked for treatment or help until late last year. I've been on and off Sertraline 50mg since then and I'm not sure it's been helpful. When I was young my mother had many mental health problems. She attempted suicide several times, often in front of me. She also had a large problem with alcohol. She had a full mental breakdown when I was 13 and tried to kill me. I think about that every day. I hated everyone at school. They were all better than me and they knew it. When I was 18 I started gambling and that was a beautiful escape into a different world where I had control. I've had a problem ever since, was declared bankrupt and now have severe financial problems which are closing in. I was extremely close to attempting suicide in 2004. I had a plan and had written a note to my mother. I had a <mod edit - methods> but I couldn't go through with it. I had problems off and on for a few years after that but nothing really bad. Then in 2011 I think I just snapped a bit. I locked myself in my flat for 4 weeks with absolute minimal contact with anyone, just to get food. I lost my job due to this but it was liberating being free and being able to be alone. I've never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin. I find this utterly pathetic and it makes me extremely miserable - how is it ever going to change? I've just turned 30. I don't have any friends. Literally, no-one. I've always had problems in social situations and I think my social anxiety is getting much worse. Sometimes when I try to talk to someone and feel trapped and just air comes out of my mouth. I start sweating a lot and my chest is pounding. I don't understand how other people can do this and be so comfortable. In the past I've been able to do it and even had interviews and given presentations and the like. That seems a long way in the past. The past 8-9 months have been extremely bad. I get very little sleep. Every day I wake up around 4am with bad thoughts spinning in my head. I often feel dizzy and on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't drive anymore due to this as I don't feel in control of my actions. I've been on sick leave from my job for the past 6 weeks and was off for 4 weeks last year. I'm feeling pressured to go back, I don't know how much longer until I lose that job. I don't want that as it's the only thing in my life and without it I know I'd be completely worthless. The thought of going back to work makes me panic. I can't concentrate and the work is difficult. I moved to a new team and don't know the people - the thought of going back and talking to them makes me feel sick. I don't know what to do. For the past few weeks I've had suicidal thoughts every day. The release of pressure. The release of cares. The fact that missing deadlines or bills doesn't mean anything. Beautiful. I have a new plan, but I'm not ready to go through with it. The story of Elliot Rodger captivated me. I watched all his videos and read his manifesto as soon as I heard about it. I don't agree with his thoughts or what he did but I felt how angry he was with the world. I feel the same way and have done for many years. I've always been different and always hated it. He had a plan and got the ending he wanted. I've come onto the forum and have been searching the internet because I think I want help. I want to be normal. Suicide is in my mind and it's beginning to engulf me. I had a session with a clinical psychologist for the first time this week and it was liberating to be able to talk to someone. I told her things that I've never told anyone. For about a day that made me feel much much better and actually quite positive. However, it didn't last. I don't know if it's appropriate to write as much as I have, and I hope what I've written is understandable. I've been through it a few times so hopefully it makes sense.