Feeling suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chris1984, May 31, 2014.

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  1. Chris1984

    Chris1984 New Member

    Hi, my name is Chris, I've been looking on the internet for a forum to talk and found this one, I hope it's ok to post.

    I've been struggling with mental health issues for years, however, never looked for treatment or help until late last year. I've been on and off Sertraline 50mg since then and I'm not sure it's been helpful.

    When I was young my mother had many mental health problems. She attempted suicide several times, often in front of me. She also had a large problem with alcohol. She had a full mental breakdown when I was 13 and tried to kill me. I think about that every day.

    I hated everyone at school. They were all better than me and they knew it. When I was 18 I started gambling and that was a beautiful escape into a different world where I had control. I've had a problem ever since, was declared bankrupt and now have severe financial problems which are closing in.

    I was extremely close to attempting suicide in 2004. I had a plan and had written a note to my mother. I had a <mod edit - methods> but I couldn't go through with it.

    I had problems off and on for a few years after that but nothing really bad. Then in 2011 I think I just snapped a bit. I locked myself in my flat for 4 weeks with absolute minimal contact with anyone, just to get food. I lost my job due to this but it was liberating being free and being able to be alone.

    I've never had a girlfriend and I'm a virgin. I find this utterly pathetic and it makes me extremely miserable - how is it ever going to change? I've just turned 30. I don't have any friends. Literally, no-one. I've always had problems in social situations and I think my social anxiety is getting much worse. Sometimes when I try to talk to someone and feel trapped and just air comes out of my mouth. I start sweating a lot and my chest is pounding. I don't understand how other people can do this and be so comfortable. In the past I've been able to do it and even had interviews and given presentations and the like. That seems a long way in the past.

    The past 8-9 months have been extremely bad. I get very little sleep. Every day I wake up around 4am with bad thoughts spinning in my head. I often feel dizzy and on the verge of having a panic attack. I don't drive anymore due to this as I don't feel in control of my actions.

    I've been on sick leave from my job for the past 6 weeks and was off for 4 weeks last year. I'm feeling pressured to go back, I don't know how much longer until I lose that job. I don't want that as it's the only thing in my life and without it I know I'd be completely worthless.

    The thought of going back to work makes me panic. I can't concentrate and the work is difficult. I moved to a new team and don't know the people - the thought of going back and talking to them makes me feel sick.

    I don't know what to do.

    For the past few weeks I've had suicidal thoughts every day. The release of pressure. The release of cares. The fact that missing deadlines or bills doesn't mean anything. Beautiful. I have a new plan, but I'm not ready to go through with it.

    The story of Elliot Rodger captivated me. I watched all his videos and read his manifesto as soon as I heard about it. I don't agree with his thoughts or what he did but I felt how angry he was with the world. I feel the same way and have done for many years. I've always been different and always hated it. He had a plan and got the ending he wanted.

    I've come onto the forum and have been searching the internet because I think I want help. I want to be normal. Suicide is in my mind and it's beginning to engulf me. I had a session with a clinical psychologist for the first time this week and it was liberating to be able to talk to someone. I told her things that I've never told anyone. For about a day that made me feel much much better and actually quite positive. However, it didn't last.

    I don't know if it's appropriate to write as much as I have, and I hope what I've written is understandable. I've been through it a few times so hopefully it makes sense.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2014
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Welcome to this forum. I hope it is useful for you.

    You are free to post as much as you want to write. Since life histories are always complex, others may not understand it. That's okay. Do be aware the forum software imposes some length limit and when it's reached, things crash suddenly and you lose what you've written. It may be best to put a long item on two successive posts.

    I hope you can find the things you need. I'm financially shot down and may become homeless again, so I can relate to that type of trouble.

    Best wishes. You deserve the best in life.
     
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum Chris1984 and you found a nice place where people will support you. Take care and keep posting.
     
  4. BipolarOne

    BipolarOne Active Member

    You went through quite a lot of trauma at a very young age. Do you see a therapist? If not, consider going to one and discuss the possibility that you may be suffering from PTSD.

    Rest assured, that many people get thoughts and feelings about suicide, and never act on them. If you can maintain control over your behavior, you will survive this crisis. I hope your employer is understanding, and that you do not lose your job, and are able to take off as much time as you need to become stable.

    They best way to get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings is to write about them. Keep on posting, it will help. You may want to also try out the site: <mod edit - unknown link> . There are many understanding people there too.

    Stay safe. Viv.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2014
  5. Chris1984

    Chris1984 New Member

    Thanks for the responses everyone. I joined this forum and another one a few days ago and it's been illuminating reading others stories and how they are feeling. I'm not sure if it's helping me or not seeing so many people struggling mentally. I do like how they are finding support in places like this.

    As I mentioned I saw a psychologist for the first time a few days ago for an assessment sort of session. Actually, that's a lie. I saw one in 2004 as well. However, at the time I didn't want to do it so I put on the normal 'act' at the session so they would think I was ok and wouldn't need to go back. I'm waiting for an appointment for further sessions but I was told I'll have to wait about a month - not sure if it's going to be regular after that.
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope that you can be open and honest about your feelings and thoughts and that your supports will come in many ways now so you can start feeling stronger hugs
     
  7. overdue

    overdue Member

    Chris - now, weeks later, what has been going on? How are things? Maybe the darkest days have passed and you are feeling a little better, hopefully?

    Force yourself to get out a little and feel the sunshine. It will be a challenge among crowds (people are so annoying with their huge strollers, three dogs, and walking 4 abreast, forcing everyone on the sidewalk to move aside for them), but ignore them and do it for yourself.
     
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