...feeling suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Digital Angel, Apr 14, 2008.

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  1. Digital Angel

    Digital Angel Well-Known Member

    I wrote this yesterday on my blog..describes how I am feeling now. I don't know where to go to with any of this but if someone could help it would be appreciated. I wish I had someone in real life to talk to. :[

    I don't know when this started, it's probably been happening my whole life. It started to progress much faster after I had to live with my aunt. The vast majority of that time since my mom moved I've been isolated from others and to a lesser extent my entire life. If it weren't for a few exceptions I don't think I would have made it through senior year. I'm not really friends with the people from then I see people who can't go two days away from others. I've pretty much felt completely alone the past two and a half years. I've seen people who can't go two days without seeing someone else. This is my life.

    My internet friends and my rotating one or two meager friendships have likely stalled me from losing it sooner but living like this I think where I am right now was inevitable regardless of what I did. I'm losing my memories and personality. It doesn't feel like I am person sometimes, I can make it go away for awhile. I've finally noticed that my memory, processing speed, and pretty much all of my cognitive abilities have significantly declined. If it's not for our memories, personality, and feelings what are we?

    I think I realized this before my girlfriend broke up with me and I was even thinking about telling her I couldn't do this anymore. I wouldn't accept it that what I was doing was hurting me. This wasn't her fault, just being with her made me even more blind to a lot of things I've been blind to for a long time and it's probably best she broke up with me because I can't even imagine what I would do if this was worse. After I was out of high school and in college and I started hanging out with my friend Tim I realized that my mentality had gotten very poor but I never thought it was this bad.

    I don't think I can be friends with my best friend anymore because it feels like I don't even know her. I don't really know anyone, there are faint memos lingering in my brain about the people in my life. I can probably dig up more about them if I try hard enough but that's it. I don't even know how to tell her this, it feels like every conversation we have is just going to be me responding to what she says. This is how bad it's gotten. Being alone has pretty much destroyed me.

    I don't act myself anymore, I never had a great personality but it's like nothing now. There have been a lot of reasons I've avoided trying to make friends for so long...living too far away from everyone senior year and not having a car, not wanting to bike to make my physical shit worse, no money, and I still had bad carpal tunnel problems then and again no fucking car so I couldn't do anything about this. There are reasons why it feels like I can't get active, get a job, and make friends but I'm not really going to go into that. I'm trying as hard as I can and idk what to fucking do anymore.

    I need to make at least a couple good friends again, get a job, and keep active somehow. Just with my hearing and the ringing in my ears, carpal tunnel, mental state, and other things I can't balance all of this at once. I know if I had one or two problems to deal with I could manage it but all of this is just too difficult. I had to take on so much responsibility all at once when I had zero my entire life.

    I think if I was born exactly how I was but under different circumstances I would have been really great. I'm really intelligent and have a very high IQ, I can be attractive if I try, I have athletic ability, and was given just about every opportunity at birth to excel at life. I can't even begin to speculate the possibilities I've been denied in my life because of my parents. No one will likely think these things of me anymore but they were all true at one point and maybe they still can be. I was always meant to felt inadequate growing up when the contrary was true. I know what I was capable of and I have to believe I still am. This is my wake-up call I suppose. If I don't listen to this now I feel like I'm going to be an invalid for the for the rest of my life.

    I don't really know how to sum this up, just the state of mind is scaring me and I needed to let this out and didn't know where else to say it really. I probably did not say this the way I wanted to but it's as close as I can come right now. I wanted to say more but it's unlikely anyone will read this...although I wish someone would. I'm feeling really scared and I honestly don't know what to do. I'm going to sit down with my notebook and go over everything and try to figure something out. I'm hoping I can make it through the school year and maybe fix things this summer but just idk. I just can't fucking live like this anymore.
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You're on the right track hun. Posting your feelings, getting them out and sharing with others is a start to ending the loneliness. SF is a very special community and you are a part of that. The members here can help you because they truly understand your pain. So please keep posting, get it all out and really listen to the advice you'll find here. Read some of the other threads and pm members that are going through or have gone through the same things. Don't isolate yourself. Nobody here will ever judge you or undermind your feelings, only try to help. And make that goal of making it throught the school year a reality. One step at a time hun, that's all you can ask of yourself.
     
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