Feeling Suicidal..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lijo, May 6, 2011.

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  1. Lijo

    Lijo New Member

    I don't really know how to go about doing this, but I'll give it an attempt.

    I'm sorry if what I'm about to write seems rough or appears to be some kind of sob story designed for attention. I assure you it isn't.

    I guess I'll start off by telling you why I feel suicidal.
    My life up to this point has been an utter failure - full of fear, confusion, and one bad decision after another. I dropped out of school at a very young age. There isn't one solid reason why I did this. Basically I was scared, stupid and couldn't cope with what was going on in my life at the time.

    I'm 18 now. I have agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression which comes from being violently assaulted four times in one year when I was 14-15. And threatened/intimidated countless times. I haven't left my house more than a handful of times in the past three years. I have no friends. I'm hideously ugly.
    My family is on welfare. No one has ever been kind to me my entire life. I have no future prospects because of my lack of education. Getting out of bed in the morning is a battle. My Father was an abusive alcoholic. He died when I was 10. I've lived in 9 different homes. I just feel tired... Like I've been through too much. And that more suffering is the only logical assumption. I have regular panic attacks. The only social interaction I have is online, with people whom I lie about myself to.

    I don't think I'm going to make an attempt on my life in the next few days or anything like that. I just can't get the feeling that I want to die out of my head. I still enjoy some things, like music and cigarettes. This comforts me somewhat, knowing that I still have some happiness in my life. However little.

    I don't even know what I'm looking for or trying to achieve by writing this. sorry.
     
  2. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    :hug:

    You have nothing to be sorry about. I have felt the same way you do, am feeling now? I dunno.

    I do know from past experience that our powerful feelings are just that usually feeling, there is no facts in feelings. But our feelings make us think that we are ugly and that noone cares about us. I assure you that isn't true. There are people who care about us even if we don't see it. I care about you and everyone who is feeling the way we do right now. I wish I could do or say more to help you, I can't even help myself but I just want you to not feel alone.
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You don't have to lie here Lijo - this forum is about honesty and its easy to be honest when you are communicating with people who have been through and are going through similar troubles.

    You should stick around here - be yourself - open up a little. You'll never be dismissed here for feeling how you feel and will receive sympathy and advice.

    As for how you look, this is down to how you perceive yourself. Low self esteem pushes us to the conclusion that we fell down the ugly tree and hit every branch. The more depressed you get, the more isolated, the more ugly you think you are.

    But, even if you were stunningly beautiful, that would just bring more trouble. It does not mean you will find love any easier. It does not bring immunity to depression.

    I'm sorry you've not seen much kindness in life, but agoraphobia, you social anxiety and living at home maybe, or actually does prevent you from meeting people who are kind and who would treat you with politeness and make you feel welcome.

    The online world is dangerous in that you seem to get nasty people getting off on putting others down. Be it for how you look, how you dress, the people who like to bully others find a real easy way to do so online.

    Thankfully, in this forum, you would be banned for bullying, rightly so.

    I hope you can stick around and tell us what you have done so far to counter the depression which has set back your life so far. Luckily, aged 18, you got lots of time and opportunity to put things right. You never done well at school for specific reasons. At the time you needed confidence and some kindness you found little of it.

    You can educate yourself and hopefully get some further education. You come across as quite intelligent and I'm sure you'll be fun to be with when you get your confidence back.

    Looks are not an asset you'd choose above others when choosing a partner.

    Would you want someone good looking who was cruel, conceited and uncaring?

    Bear in mind, what is inside matters more - a lot more. Marry for looks and often as not divorce is likely as you find out the true nature of the person beneath the aesthetics.

    I'm sure you are certainly not the ugliest person out there - you feel that way, but if you get more help with the depression the anxiety and staying indoors - you will start to feel better about yourself - and there is someone for everyone out there.

    I'm sure you will meet someone age appropriate once you get a little bit better. Romance makes us all feel beautiful!

    Please realise help is there and how you feel right now is not the way you will be feeling if you get help.

    You have kindness in your own heart - you just need to meet a few others who are likewise. Many people are kind, and even those who act cruel are often mimicking behaviour or trying to fit in with the general casual cruelty society seems to promote and almost value. They are idiots! And weak!

    So, don't be too down on yourself - you have assets which make you special but you need confidence first and I think going back to education would do you a world of good and allow you to catch up.

    I'm in my forties and am looking at the same thing re education.

    It is never too late.

    Best of luck - and glad to have you with us here on the forums.
     
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm sorry youre feeling low and all the stuff youve been through.

    I duno if it'll help, but youve said something along the lines of not having much of a future because of your education. Maybe getting your diploma will help you gain some confidence. I know you said you are agoraphobic, but a lot of places offer online degrees now, so maybe you can try to look for something there. I know it wont solve your problems, but it might help a little bit and just take something off the list of things you seem to wish were different.
     
  5. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    What a skewed summary of your life this is.

    You don't seem stupid.

    Oh, really? I challenge you to think of one time when someone was kind to you.
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Lijo, Welcome to the forums.. I can well understand how you feel.. I have agoriphobia also along with socialphobia and paranoia, amongst other problems..I live in total isolation.. The only time I leave the house is to go see my docs, pick up presciptions, or go to the grocery store..Being isolated isn't an easy life to live..Maybe you should find a therapist.. I saw mine for five years and she has gotten me to the point where I can leave my house alone in the mornings..I haven't seen her in about six months now.. But I am going to go back next month..I wish you the best!!
     
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