Hey Lancashire Lass - try to outline why you feel so down here - I see your still online and if your going to be up for a while others will help you - me included.
Does your boyfriend understand your condition? He might be up for work or something so I know your reluctant to wake him up. Thing is - I hope you do open up to him and you really do need someone who understands depression if you live with them.
Is your depression one with a root cause ? Or is this something which just came 'out of the blue' perhaps introducing you to depression bit by bit until one day you realise you maybe see that happiness hard to achieve and you struggle in areas of life which you otherwise coped with.
Feeling suicidal is bad - perhaps as bad as it gets really as at that point you are feeling as low as can be. Don't keep it to yourself - get some help and see your doctor. You might be able to call early in the morning to get an appointment - but ask if your GP has some telephone appointment system - most do and if you register then you can book via phone after midnight to get an appointment the next morning in most surgeries.
You say people are not there for you when you most need it - but perhaps your depression has isolated yourself a little - sometimes we push people away perhaps feeling shame that we have depression. It is a shame which is undeserving, and the stigma with depression is little more than ignorance. People who do not understand it - fear it and often as not ostracise people who suffer with a condition that is passed via DNA. It is REAL - its not some case of people just being 'weak' or unable to cope.
I read only yesterday in a major UK newspaper that scientists actually think they have isolated a part of the genetic code which causes depression.
Anyhow Yorkshire Girl - you should see your doctor - maybe get some counselling if this depression has a root cause. Childhood abuse, bullying, alcohol and drug abuse and abusive relationships. There are a myriad of reasons WHY people might actually have depression triggered - unemployment, redundancy, failures real or imagined.
I'm 'lucky' in that I'm in the category of people who have NO reason for the depression. I guess that makes a difference in how I perceive my depression - and I've been raised well, great parents, poor background but a happy childhood, enjoyed being a teenager, got along with people always.
There are things I've done I feel bad about - but I do not ruminate over the past when I was bad (only crime - nothing violent) - I just try to be honest now. We all have regrets but you can do good now to balance the past IF you've walked along a path of dishonesty like me and others I'm sure.
Some are in jail right now - members of the forum who I've chatted to myself. Then again, they will be OK - its easier surviving inside as it happens! No worry there about an empty fridge - or trying to judge whether a box of old sugar puffs, possibly a year old, congealed into one solid mass, might be edible!
Anyhow, my problems with sugar puffs are trivial - your state of mind is a concern right now and I hope that you can maybe vent a little here and let us know a bit more if you are up to it.
Get help would be my advise - not sure if you have ever done as it can be daunting for the first time - just to tell someone you are depressed and cannot cope. It is worth it though - life is about the strong helping the weak - and when you are feeling well again, I'm sure you will be a positive person to have around.
Depression drains us - makes joy seem like its out of reach. You don't want to carry this burden alone - talk to someone, maybe your family might be more open than you think - or do they already know you have depression?
My regards and best wishes, from a fellow Northerner.
Depression is a victory waiting to happen.