Feeling suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Xtina, Sep 13, 2011.

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  1. Xtina

    Xtina New Member

    Last December I took an overdose of pain killers. I'm right back to feeling that way again if not worse.
    I'm a 40 year old woman married with 3 daughters aged 13, 11 and 2.
    I've suffered from depression on and off most of my life. I was sexually abused by my father throughout most of my 'childhood'.
    I had an awful first marriage, the only good thing to come of it were my 2 older daughters. We were together for 13 years. He was violent and unfaithful. During my marriage I also suffered 5 miscarriages. The first one was when I was over 3 months and my husband pushed me down stairs.
    During the marriage I lost my mum suddenly to Meningitis. I've never come to terms with that yet and it's been 7 years now.
    In 2008 I met in person a friend I'd known online for years. We hit it off straight away. In no time at all I'd finally made the break from my husband and started divorce proceedings.
    After a while I left Scotland with my 2 daughters to move in with my new partner near London. I hated it there and missed my sister and friends dreadfully. I became pregnant with my 3rd daughter after suffering a further 2 miscarriages. During the pregnancy is where my current relationship problems began. At the start of our relationship my partner told me about a celebrity girlfriend he'd had, told me things in great detail. I was always self conscious and knowing he'd had numerous pretty girlfriends made me feel worse. But he assured me it was me he loved.
    As my pregnancy progressed he became more distant, he wouldn't come near me. He said he didn't find pregnant women attractive. I found so much porn on our pc. Downloaded pictures of sexy pop stars. I tried to ignore it but my depression had already taken hold.
    When I was 8 months pregnant I found a few photos of the said celebrity woman on his phone. As far as I was concerned it was his ex girlfriend! I was devastated. He spun me some line about it being a joke with a workmate who was always trying to get her number from him.
    I sunk so low. A few days later he confessed he'd lied and that he'd never dated her. I didn't know what to believe anymore.
    Our daughter was born and things started to look up. She was 5 months old when I found more glamour shots of another celebrity on his phone. I know I shouldn't have looked but I have trust issues because of my past. He had promised me he'd never do anything like that again because it had hurt me so much. I attempted suicide that night by walking in the middle of a busy road late at night. Sadly not one car hit me.
    There were other times where I walked into a room and caught him browsing porn on his iPhone, but he denied it even though I had seen it.
    I muddled on, things got better and we arranged a lavish wedding. It was the best day of my life. Happiness was short lived though. He became more and more distant. He always worked such long hours.
    I became unwell. Constant migraines and seizures. Drs thought I may have a tumour. The wait for the MRI scan took forever. I had a never ending migraine for 7 months. My depression became so bad to the point where I took the overdose last December. I was so desperately lonely, and in pain. There thankfully was no tumour and treatment for the migraines is ongoing.
    He decided it was best if we moved to Cheshire as most of his family live there. I'd been promised Slimming world classes, zumba classes, Girly shopping *trips, coffee dates etc by his cousins and aunts. They kept urging us to move so they would look out for me and keep me company.
    We moved here in April but my husband has only just found a job here, he starts at the end of this month. He has been staying in hotels and coming home at weekends while still in his current job. He thought moving would be good for me so I'd not be alone. I've barely seen a soul since moving here. They were all full of shit. Too busy in their own lives. I don't see anyone and now I don't even have my husband. He's leaving a very well paid job with a company car as an operations manager for a very crap call centre job just so he's here with me. He tells me constantly how much he loves me but then in-between makes little jokes about me being overweight ( I gained 4st since pregnancy ), he 'jokes' about me being a sponger because I don't work, ( I left my job in Scotland to move in with him and give him a child), *he implies I'm lazy and a bad mother to my older children because of their behaviour. He doesn't seem to love me at all. We very rarely make love. I don't blame him, I'm so fat and ugly it's revolting.
    My insecurities and trust issues have driven me crazy. We're always arguing because I accuse him of cheating. He always tells me all this stuff is in my head and that he'll never leave me and that he loves me.
    I'm just so fed up of lies. Of loneliness. Of pain. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.
     
  2. Warrioress

    Warrioress Active Member

    That is very painful. I've never been in a serious relationship, but I can imagine (just a little bit) how difficult it is to go through all that with first an abusive father, then a violent husband and then an insensitive one. It's been a tough life and you've been even tougher. You've been very brave and strong to bear all of that. Why can't you keep it up?

    Think of your children. Think of your two-year-old. Don't you want to see her grow up? And don't tell me that she'll be better off without a mother like you because she won't! She needs you and so do the other two girls. You have a special place of your own in this world that no one else can fill.

    You are definitely NOT ugly. We're all beautiful in a way and in any case, what does it matter? Inner beauty is much more important and anyone with some sense should realize that. As for being fat (if you really are fat that is, which I doubt) it can be solved if you have perseverance. A healthy diet and regular exercise will keep you fit and cheerful. And finally, therapy can help with insecurities and and trust issues. Do you try to help yourself at all?

    Please be strong. I know you can. We all get fed up sometimes, but trust me, it will pass!
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I've just lost a post I'd taken a while to do!

    I'm so sorry for that - and feel like kicking my ass!

    Well xtina - my condolences for your miscarriages - my aunt had one on my birthday years ago - her name was Samantha - so I wonder if she got the job as my guardian angel - which is a tough job for sure!

    And your poor mum also - I know she must have been special for you - and I am glad you had some love there.

    Your father was father in name only - he failed to give you the love that EVERY child deserves from a dad. That love is selfless - and for a daughter it should be a wonderful relationship and one in which she learns about men - to develop a trust.

    The dad should be the one there for the first date - waiting to inspect whoever turns up! To anyone here who did not have that - do not EVER blame yourself.

    Paedophiles are easy to understand. Some here have depression - had it all our lives - for me its like a darkness - and if we are lucky - we have a choice of whether to be good or bad.

    When younger for example (I'm 46 now - but not for long!) I got to admit - depression made me snap at some loved ones - at times! I caught it! I mean - I knew I could upset people epically - I mean - wind people up up - see a flaw and tell them about it. Only men though - because hurting women were I come from is like Jews joining the Nazi Party. Sure some men treat women in a horrible way - but if we see it - I'd cheerfully say to the Judge "If that was your daughter - I'd have done time to stop her being beaten up"

    In my area - some men have paid a terrible price for hitting women. I never think its enough!

    Well - your first marriage - its easy to get it wrong - you were young and never had a dad to guide you. Maybe you were a bit isolated from friends and so on - well some men do that - isolate you to control you. any man who truly loves a woman - if he is a good man - will always make sure she keeps all her mates - and stay close to the family.

    The day he hit you was the day you should have divorced him - you know that now - but you would take the abuse again because you got two beautiful daughters. I mean if you had to go back in time you would endure it so your daughters would be here.

    But - it has to be said - I'm lucky I grew up in a working class Catholic background - with all kinds of radical political stuff. All the woman in my family would kill their husbands - cheerfully - if they ever so much as thought about hitting a women.

    But there have been exceptions - for the main it is that way. My mother always jokes about murdering my father. I always tell my dad "Don't worry - if you hit her - I'd kill you first!".

    Now - as for your second relationship - let me throw a note of caution out there to women.

    Take me for example! - yes - please- take me anywhere!!! I joke - but few here know me! I have emailed my address to the owner a while back - and a few here know my full name! Also - I chat with some here and would like to meet a few of the people here for sure - one day!

    But I could be anyone really! I mean - I'm a single guy - but I could be married right? I'm called peacelovingguy - but could be axemurderingmaniac. Well lets be realistic - I could be not very nice.

    Well I'm just saying meeting people online - you got to be ultra cautious.

    We do have 'meets' here organised now and again. This is good as its in a public place. I've not been to any but it would be good as at least a few would know me then -

    The guy you met online - not here I presume! I know it was not - and I guess if you chat a lot online then you can meet people. I've been using computers for only ten years - but never met anyone or actually even thought about it until I come here. I mean I'd go for a pint with a few or a simple meal - people might not want to meet and drink - not when you first meet someone!

    Anyhow - this second guy - sounds like a classic liar - and they are believable IF you sort of keep them to yourself and none of your mates know him.

    Well - this man made you move to London from Scotland - that isolates you from the start - and no man should really do that - well it might happen but he ought to have moved to Scotland really. If he loved you - he'd agree to that. I mean - if he is single - and a man - he could do that! Its a few hours away.

    As for not finding you attractive pregnant - that's wrong - because pregnancy is gradual - its his child in there - his job was to reassure you that you looked attractive. He failed.

    Then he heads off for porn - which if a man has a woman - he should not be doing. Sure -some might say its a modern world - but how many woman are going to live with a man whose mind is on on 21 yr old porn stars?

    Of course it makes you insecure.

    I just think that whole porn scene is unhealthy - mentally - its lowering your standards as a man to be sitting in front of a computer screen.

    Sex is demeaned - what should be an act of love becomes something that is not love. For anyone depressed - porn should be avoided in my books.

    Well I'm sorry things went so wrong with this guy in London - but you were looking for love - which is not a crime - and you got on great with the guy. Sometimes you can do that - the few women I have loved - it was like that - meet somewhere (before the internet) have a dance maybe - walk her the bus stop. Whatever!

    But you can meet someone and fall for them very fast. Or sometimes you might know someone for years - be a friend - and have a drink - and so on. Knowing someone for a while is better of course - but falling in love becomes being in love - and that is were you discover how people are.

    I think it all comes down to how nice he treats you - or not as the case may be. Does he empower you and make you feel positive?

    Your weight could easily be dealt with - but that's not the issue here. No women should ever think she is ugly - that demeaning to yourself - and four stone is not a lot - plus depression does not help as who cares about how they look when really depressed?

    your husbands comments are not very nice. Its actually very nasty - but some men are ignorant and don't have the same outlook re self image issues. But most KNOW it hurts a woman to remark on weight.

    Your suicide attempt is the issue - you do not mention what help you had there. Or if you told your husband (s) about your past and your struggle in the present.

    If you are isolated in Cheshire - then its not a great place to be if you know nobody.

    And remarks about spongers? You had his child - a mother IS a job - its his responsibility to provide for you and the child - so if you have to claim benefits (which I do - proudly!) then it he who is the sponger - cheeky bloke that he is!

    Well - you got the option of moving to Scotland IF you tell your husband about things and he does not make a BIG effort to be nice.

    You always got that option - and you got a sister there and friends you known all your life I guess?

    Thanks for being so candid with your past - and present - it helps to share and women here have been through similar situations also. The main thing is YOU and THE KIDS. Your husband - any husband - any man - comes last on the list of who you should put first.

    Supporting a man is great - we need that at times - but you should be getting more support I guess and if he cannot do that - I'd say dump him - give him due warning - some men are dumb - grow complacent - need reminding - but I have my doubts with this guy because you do - and I don't think you should have that doubt with someone you love.

    Anyhow - some of the stuff here is general advice - some specific to you - I hope some is of use.

    Your kids need you - you know that - and sometimes its easier for women to raise kids alone - a LOT easier as many here will testify.

    So my best wishes and sorry for all the heartache you have had in life.

    Settle now for the love you got for your kids and they for you.

    My sisters go to Slimming World - quite cheap - good also as you meet lots of women battling various weight gains. You all get weighed each week - secret amongst the women! But losing four stone - you'd be surprised how many lose a LOT more!

    Main thing is depression!

    Things that cause you that you have outlined very bravely.

    I hope you find the forum to be good - and other women will allay your fears and tell you more profoundly than I about mums and children!

    I got to be honest - I don't think your second husband sounds that nice either. Other women will comment - but - he does not seem to make you happy - and that might be able to be remedied - but I doubt it.

    Either way its his loss - you got his daughter - he cannot raise a child! If he does not treat you right - I'm not even sure if he sounds like he would be a good father. How is he around your other daughters?

    I guess I'd ask all three of you what you want and maybe you ought to have a talk with them - a nice talk about what they want also.

    I know one thing they want.....

    You.

    Alive.

    And so do we also!

    So regards and welcome and best of luck and good wishes - prayers also.
     
  4. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi,

    Sorry for the delay in replying to you but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for all you've been through, and still are going through. I'm not good with words right now but I really wanted you to know that I read what you wrote and I hope things improve for you soon.. please keep writing here if it helps.

    Jenny x
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun it is so good that you are reaching out here for help and support. I too read your post and see a fighter in there You are strong hun and for your children you need to stay strong okay. YOu need help to do that you get some therapy for you to heal okay you get some councilling that will help increase your self esteem your ability to cope ect You can pm me anytime as well hun but please please get help okay talk to your doctor see what supports are out there in your community as well hun okay hugs
     
  6. Xtina

    Xtina New Member

    I just wanted to say thank you for the replies and taking the time to read my post. I'm still struggling at the moment but trying to stay strong for my children's sake.
     
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Greetings from the USA. =) I'm late replying to this thread as well! I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about how your partners have treated you, and that I too have doubts about your current partner.
     
  8. Xtina

    Xtina New Member

    I'm so tired of fighting through life. I really can't take much more. It's just one thing after another. I just don't want to be here anymore. And yes, my children will be better off without me because I'm just a worthless piece of crap
     
  9. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I kniw you are so very tired hun i know how that feels i do but it will pass with medication i actually had energy and with therapy my mind cleared some so i could think not be drown by the distorted thoughts of depression

    Your children will never be better off with you never hun hugs and your are NOT what you said that is dam depression again hugs
     
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