Last December I took an overdose of pain killers. I'm right back to feeling that way again if not worse. I'm a 40 year old woman married with 3 daughters aged 13, 11 and 2. I've suffered from depression on and off most of my life. I was sexually abused by my father throughout most of my 'childhood'. I had an awful first marriage, the only good thing to come of it were my 2 older daughters. We were together for 13 years. He was violent and unfaithful. During my marriage I also suffered 5 miscarriages. The first one was when I was over 3 months and my husband pushed me down stairs. During the marriage I lost my mum suddenly to Meningitis. I've never come to terms with that yet and it's been 7 years now. In 2008 I met in person a friend I'd known online for years. We hit it off straight away. In no time at all I'd finally made the break from my husband and started divorce proceedings. After a while I left Scotland with my 2 daughters to move in with my new partner near London. I hated it there and missed my sister and friends dreadfully. I became pregnant with my 3rd daughter after suffering a further 2 miscarriages. During the pregnancy is where my current relationship problems began. At the start of our relationship my partner told me about a celebrity girlfriend he'd had, told me things in great detail. I was always self conscious and knowing he'd had numerous pretty girlfriends made me feel worse. But he assured me it was me he loved. As my pregnancy progressed he became more distant, he wouldn't come near me. He said he didn't find pregnant women attractive. I found so much porn on our pc. Downloaded pictures of sexy pop stars. I tried to ignore it but my depression had already taken hold. When I was 8 months pregnant I found a few photos of the said celebrity woman on his phone. As far as I was concerned it was his ex girlfriend! I was devastated. He spun me some line about it being a joke with a workmate who was always trying to get her number from him. I sunk so low. A few days later he confessed he'd lied and that he'd never dated her. I didn't know what to believe anymore. Our daughter was born and things started to look up. She was 5 months old when I found more glamour shots of another celebrity on his phone. I know I shouldn't have looked but I have trust issues because of my past. He had promised me he'd never do anything like that again because it had hurt me so much. I attempted suicide that night by walking in the middle of a busy road late at night. Sadly not one car hit me. There were other times where I walked into a room and caught him browsing porn on his iPhone, but he denied it even though I had seen it. I muddled on, things got better and we arranged a lavish wedding. It was the best day of my life. Happiness was short lived though. He became more and more distant. He always worked such long hours. I became unwell. Constant migraines and seizures. Drs thought I may have a tumour. The wait for the MRI scan took forever. I had a never ending migraine for 7 months. My depression became so bad to the point where I took the overdose last December. I was so desperately lonely, and in pain. There thankfully was no tumour and treatment for the migraines is ongoing. He decided it was best if we moved to Cheshire as most of his family live there. I'd been promised Slimming world classes, zumba classes, Girly shopping *trips, coffee dates etc by his cousins and aunts. They kept urging us to move so they would look out for me and keep me company. We moved here in April but my husband has only just found a job here, he starts at the end of this month. He has been staying in hotels and coming home at weekends while still in his current job. He thought moving would be good for me so I'd not be alone. I've barely seen a soul since moving here. They were all full of shit. Too busy in their own lives. I don't see anyone and now I don't even have my husband. He's leaving a very well paid job with a company car as an operations manager for a very crap call centre job just so he's here with me. He tells me constantly how much he loves me but then in-between makes little jokes about me being overweight ( I gained 4st since pregnancy ), he 'jokes' about me being a sponger because I don't work, ( I left my job in Scotland to move in with him and give him a child), *he implies I'm lazy and a bad mother to my older children because of their behaviour. He doesn't seem to love me at all. We very rarely make love. I don't blame him, I'm so fat and ugly it's revolting. My insecurities and trust issues have driven me crazy. We're always arguing because I accuse him of cheating. He always tells me all this stuff is in my head and that he'll never leave me and that he loves me. I'm just so fed up of lies. Of loneliness. Of pain. I just can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.