Feeling that "old friend" creep back again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Concave, Jun 17, 2010.

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  1. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    Blah, I'm so up and down w/ depression and suicidal thoughts. One week I'll be fine, and the next I'll feel like total shite. Its gotten to the point now to where my suicidal thoughts don't even scare me. I've convinced my self not "if, but when".

    I know family and friends will miss me, but I don't care anymore. The one person who could probably make a difference (my ex) hasn't spoken a word to me in 11 months. I actually called her today and left her a happy birthday message. While she may be able to cut all contact w/ me, she will never be able to take away the fact that I will always have a special place in my heart for her.

    I've tried Prozac and hated it. I don't really have any extra money to go see doctors or psychiatrists. I'll prob buy a firearm in the next 3 months. While the reason for getting it will be protection/home safety, I know deep down what could ultimately come of that. I know that suicide is an extremely selfish thing to do. My brother comitted suicide on his 27th bday 12 years ago. One of the things I'm holding on to is my mom, it would devestate her if another child killed himself, but even she has gone through depression and suicide attempts (a long time ago b/f i was born). I just can't fathom living anymore being this miserable.

    I try and put on the happy face, but it never lasts long. The last thing I heard from my ex was "life sucks, people die, Wah". That was in response to me telling her I hope she never loses any friend/ family. She knew my history of depression/suicide, family and friends I had lost; but she told me that anyways. I guess she was trying to tell me shit happens, quit being a baby; but I just keep telling myself 'people do die, and I'm going to be one of them, and it will be my own doing.'
  2. SowrongSowrong

    SowrongSowrong Active Member

    Hey there. I think I can relate to you. Everytime i wake up in the morning I'm wondering if this day will be better or worse than yesterday. I am never stable, though I use anti-depressives.
    I also have an ex that I'm still not over (though it has been over a year since we broke it off, I still miss her. I try and try to get my ass moving on in life but I feel kinda stuck with myself. I don't want to go out cause I don't wanna meet her randomly.. She has a new bf and all kinda shit, but hey life goes on? What idiot came up with that line? :( I don't know if you can relate to any of this but would be good to know if you do :) pm me if you want to talk btw!

    Just keep going, u can't give up, think of your family, that's what I do at least...
  3. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean by the "old friend"...that is how I refer to this crap too.
    Sounds like you are a very deep person that really embraces life...both the good and the bad sides. Your passionate that is obvious. The thing with being passionate is that we feel things really deeply and it affects us on many levels and well when dealing with sad feelings we get really down. I guess I am not telling you anything you don't already know...my silly way of reaching out to say I understand you and I hear you.
    If you need to talk I am here to listen and chat with you.
    It really helps me to get my thoughts out in the open and sort them out so I am here for you, as are others I am sure.
    Are you getting support at all? Sounds like your the one usually giving the support so allow us to be there for you..
    Hope to hear from you, Bambi
  4. skyla

    skyla Member

    Hi concave

    I completely relate to your post..on every level....keep posting..I find that it helps me....good luck x x
  5. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I feel like you, it comes and goes. I wanted to kill myself two days ago, and now I tell myself I'm crazy.

    Do you have a familial planning or a free medico-psychological center near your place?
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You said your mom has gone thru this before.. Why don't you sit down with her and have a serious talk..You don't have to go into the SI.. Just talk about your other problems and ask her how she was able to come thru it all..I'm sure she would rather you talk to her than the alternative...Stay Safe!!!
  7. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    I've talked to her and friends before, but with friends and such it just seems like I scare them. Some of them say "you sound like you're threatning suicide" which is not I'm trying to do when discussing it with them. My mom can be pretty helpful, but I'd rather not scare her anymore than I already have... she blames herself for a lot of my brothers and my deprssion which is not the case. I feel much better today. I don't really have any free clinics to go to. Right now all my money goes to probation fees, living expenses, and beer. I usually smoke pot, but that is non existent b/c of probation. Although I do only have about 4-5 months left. I'm in college (summer school at the moment) but it just gets overwhelming having to juggle work/school/probation/depression. I do feel I have gotten better since I started coming hear to the forum. It helps a lot just getting to vent and knowing there are others w/ similar problems as I. I tey and take it 1 step at a time, but yesterday I guess I triggered myself by leaving my ex gf a happy bday message. Thanks everyone for understanding. :)
  8. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    Wow....I can strongly relate to what you are going through right now.

    I am juggling school, work and a research appointment at school at the same time. I have very few friends, and my family lives four hours away. My ex and I keep contact, but I have not been able to detach myself from him - his actions totally dominate my emotions. I don't have enough money to begin seeing a psychiatrist again to get back on my medication. I am very depressed, and living alone makes things so much worse. I've hurt myself once in the past, my scars a reminder of the depth I reached. And I'm back there again.

    Now I'm having problems sleeping. Every night this past week I've woken up at the same exact time, not being able to fall back asleep for at least three hours. My heart races, I toss and turn, and I can't for the life of me fall back asleep. It is during this time that I really want to just end it. I've contemplated the gun purchase too for the same exact excuse (I'm a woman living alone, I need protection, right?). My mother and my grandparents are my only ray of light at this point, and my salvation. One week I'm good, the next week I'm trying to figure out how to end it. It's frustrating feeling like this, so emotionally draining and just fucking miserable.

    I realized the only thing that can help is just to have someone listen, someone to just sit back and let me vent and cry and rage on. You can always PM me if you'd like to let me listen. Hang on, if just for today.
  9. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we all must work together to lift the wall of darkness.
  10. bluefish

    bluefish Well-Known Member

    How do we even start?
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