Blah, I'm so up and down w/ depression and suicidal thoughts. One week I'll be fine, and the next I'll feel like total shite. Its gotten to the point now to where my suicidal thoughts don't even scare me. I've convinced my self not "if, but when". I know family and friends will miss me, but I don't care anymore. The one person who could probably make a difference (my ex) hasn't spoken a word to me in 11 months. I actually called her today and left her a happy birthday message. While she may be able to cut all contact w/ me, she will never be able to take away the fact that I will always have a special place in my heart for her. I've tried Prozac and hated it. I don't really have any extra money to go see doctors or psychiatrists. I'll prob buy a firearm in the next 3 months. While the reason for getting it will be protection/home safety, I know deep down what could ultimately come of that. I know that suicide is an extremely selfish thing to do. My brother comitted suicide on his 27th bday 12 years ago. One of the things I'm holding on to is my mom, it would devestate her if another child killed himself, but even she has gone through depression and suicide attempts (a long time ago b/f i was born). I just can't fathom living anymore being this miserable. I try and put on the happy face, but it never lasts long. The last thing I heard from my ex was "life sucks, people die, Wah". That was in response to me telling her I hope she never loses any friend/ family. She knew my history of depression/suicide, family and friends I had lost; but she told me that anyways. I guess she was trying to tell me shit happens, quit being a baby; but I just keep telling myself 'people do die, and I'm going to be one of them, and it will be my own doing.'