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Feeling the call...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Disabled_SH, Oct 1, 2008.

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  1. Disabled_SH

    Disabled_SH New Member


    I don't really know where to start... So I guess I start at the begining. I have a progressive degenerative disability (Muscular Distrophy) I started showing signs of this illness while I was going through high school (12-13ish) but wasn't diagnosed until I was almost 17. It was at this time that I first started self harming, I was being bullied for the way I walked, I had no-one close enough to turn to not even my family. I would cut my arms and that would release all my tension, anger it would be like opening up the lid on a bottle & relieving all the pressure. This continued until I was diagnosed.

    Once I was diagnosed I had a period where I seemed to be quite happy I was going out with new friends at college having fun & laughing but this was not to last. As the years have passed by I have slowly seen & felt my life sliding further away from me, no longer able to run to climb stairs to lift things with ease to stand up without having to climb up things to help. Constantly needing more & more help from the people around me to do the every day things that we should all take for granted. This is when I started SH again it helped to release the pent up frustration of it all but this is not enough it's no longer releasing all that energy, rage, frustration I feel like I need a permanent release I keep thinking about ways I can kill myself.

    I spend hours on the net looking up references, ways to do it, quick ways, easy ways, painless ways. I just want to end my pain and also the burden I'm putting on those people closest to me having to ask them for their help more & more often. I just cannot see any other way out........
  2. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    It sounds brutal. Maybe other people who have the disease can give you support. Have you called hospitals to find out?
  3. TheWr0ngChild

    TheWr0ngChild Well-Known Member

    How much support have the doctors who diagnosed this given you? Doctors have a nasty habbit of talking in scientific terms and not thinking about how an illness can effect someone's mind.

    Don't search online for methods and do stay clear of certain newsgroups if your not feeling strong enough to resist people who will want to encourage you to hurt yourself. Instead have a look around for support groups for people with MD. There will be so many people out there in the same situation as you, and many will be willing to help support you.

    Also ask your doctor for info on local support groups you could attend, sometimes they meet at the hospital or surgery every so often.

    I can't imagine what it's like to live with MD, all I can offer is my ear if you ever need to get anything off your chest, so feel free to PM me.
  4. bluebird002

    bluebird002 Active Member

    I am sorry about the Muscular Dystrophy. I feel for you. I have heard that it's especially hard when you have experienced life without a serious disability and then it comes along. Do you think you would be able to live with it if certain things were different?
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi SH,
    Have you thought about joining a gym? It would help to keep the muscles firm even if it's not a cure it will help keep you from atrifying(I think that is the word I am thinking of.)
    They also usually have heavy bags to punch on, maybe that would help to let go of some of the stress you are under. Once you get to know the people who work there they can show you different work outs that can help you!!
    I had a next door neighbor who had MD. I would go over to his house several times a day to help him by fixing meals, helping him to the toilet, and just sitting there and letting him talk. His wife was a nurse so she would only be there at night. She died right before we moved away(heavy chain smoker).I never heard anything from him after we moved away. He would always try to pay me for my help. I wouldn't accept it. It wasn't like I did alot, I was just there for him.
    When I was living in texas I made friends with a guy who had polio and I moved in with him and another friend from school. He had more girlfriends than I could count on both hands. It was all in his personallity because he was an ugly sucker. I don't feel bad about saying that because I would tell him to his face.He would just laugh at me.
    My point in telling you this is because you can waste away or you can let people know just how secure you are. Once you start that it will snowball into you having alot of friends. It is all in the confidence you feel in your self. I wish you luck, and I hope some of this helps you. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi D...and welcome...I have some physical complications from being hit by a SUV which have left me with severe limitations as well...I used to feel like such a burden to my friends, until one dear friend told me how fortunate he was to be able to give back to me for all I have done for him...this is not your fault and I am sure you would have things differently if it were your choice...so please take what you need from ppl who care about you and continue to tell us how you are doing...big hugs, J
  7. Disabled_SH

    Disabled_SH New Member

    Sorry for the abscence I'm still here... but I'm still SH. I have been to support groups for MD and met other people in various states & it didn't help. I could just see where my life had started and where it's going to end up. This just depressed me even more.

    I feel like I'm constantly wearing a mask, showing people how happy I am and getting on with everyday life, while inside I'm hurting, crying, feeling so alone. I can be in a room full of people and yet still feel all alone. I just want it to stop.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I still think a gym is a good idea!It will help keep you mobile instead of sitting at home mopeing. You will be surprised how much people respect you for trying to keep youself in shape. Maybe you need a therapist! I would have thought support group might help, but obviousley it didn't. A therapist one on one can help you find a happy medium. You need to open up and spill your guts about everything. A therapist is there just for that reason.He/she will respect your privacy. You need to check them out while they are checking you out. Sometimes you have to go thru a couple before you find the one you think you can trust!! Take Care My Friend!!!~Joseph~
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