Feeling the Urge - cycling?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by downunder, Aug 7, 2008.

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  1. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I have made a few attempts one in July last year, then September, then November, then last May. Have noticed that they seem to be 9 weeks apart except for the last one, I did go on holidays in February though. Feeling the urge again.

    Anybody else have these urges in a sort of pattern?

    I am due to see the psych on Monday.

    I feel an urge to self harm with medication. I am not on any, but feel I need a break for awhile. If I woke up in hospital in a coma I wouldn't care. When I see the psych or counsellor I feel really happy whilst seeing them and laugh and tell jokes. They tell me that I am very bubbly and hard to pick (as being suicidal). I think I must be the happiest suicidal person they have ever seen.

    I used to use my appointments with my old counsellor to help keep me going, but am not really that close to the psych at the moment, can take her or leave her. If she rang and cancelled my appointment I wouldn't be disappointed not like I was with the last counsellor. I am just existing at the moment, with no goals to look forward to.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 7, 2008
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Are you showing your real self to the psych or putting on as front so they don't know how bad it really is for you? Maybe you could mention what you have noticed about the pattern. It is possible it could be tied to something. Monday isn't far away so hang on and then lay things out straight. Let us know how things go for you. You will be in my thoughts. :hug:
  3. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I am not putting on an act for the psych, it is just that when I am around people, I am a lot happier, I don't pretend to laugh, it comes naturally. A lady said she saw me the other day walking down the street with the biggest grin on my face, I worked out that it was after my visit to the psych.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Downunder,
    Don't let your happiness be mistaken when you are with the couselor. Let her know just how things are going. People misunderstand my illness also. I am just the opposite of you, I hold everything in and show no emotion.
    It sounds like your meds aren't working? You may want to discuss them also. Why don't you write down everything so when you go to the counselor you can show her what you are going thru also in case you forget about something. That happened with me the other day when I saw my new shrink. He would ask me questions and I couldn't answer him because my mind just went blank. Good Luck and Stay Safe!!!
  5. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    You say you have nothing to live for, no goals. Maybe you could find something you are good at, we are all good at something, even if they aren't obvious things, and make that a goal. Something you enjoy.
    As for your pscyh, it takes a while to connect with someone, maybe this one isn't right for you at all, could you maybe ask to change? I know what u mean about being happier around people, i am quite the same. And then people don't understand how upset i get alone. Sometimes i write my thoughts and feelings down during my depresses moments when i'm alone. Doesn't have to be coherent but then i show my councillor. Maybe you could try that?
    Good luck and take care.
  6. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I am not on medication. I am also not a person who likes to moan and carry on about things. I will always say that I am good and everything is okay even when it is not. I might have been contemplating suicide that morning but I still say I am okay and laugh and joke around.
  7. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Overdosing is no joke. Self harm is no joke. I'm not sure how you can wake up and find yourself in a coma. OD can do a lot of harm even though it may not be the best method for suicide. Be happy but be honest and real.
  8. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I know that it is not a joke, but I get to the stage where I just don't care. Quite often when I feel this way out of the blue someone will ring and ask me how I am going and I feel better after talking about it. With suicidal thoughts you can't talk to anyone about it like say you could talk about the fight you had with your other half etc. So it is harder to release those thoughts. I have one friend who knows everything and I feel better after talking to her. I may need to ring lifeline for some release on how to talk about these thoughts.
  9. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I know that suicide will hurt people, but there are some days when I just don't care. Same direction of thought as your last response, except put into the way my own mind runs. I have my last appointment on the 19th with the therapist I've been seeing for over a year. I've been able to tell him things I've never told anyone else. I've been able to be honest and completely open because I knew I could trust him. That has been so freeing, to be able to tell another human being all the thoughts that have been stuffed for so long.

    I know what you mean about talking about suicidal thoughts. They make people nervous. Even in a support group, when I bring up the subject, it seems to get quiet and I feel the tension, even though I think everyone in the group has attempted. Maybe they're afraid to talk about it or maybe they hope that things will be said that will help them with their own suicidal thoughts. Sometimes it would be fun to be able to read people's minds.
  10. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Middleofnowhere how come you have your last appointment with the therapist?
  11. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I guess he thinks I'm okay to go on my own. When I'm as suicidal as I was last week, I know I'm not okay. When the therapist terminates you (at county mental health services), the psychiatrist does, as well, so I lost both at once. I can still walk in if I'm in a bad enough place. Beside, the therapist is beginning a private practice, so he's had to cut back his number of clients. I do have a friend online with whom I im and text, but it's not the same, even though he's a counselor. I hope you're able to talk to your friend whenever you feel the need. Talking really does help.
  12. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Downunder,
    Have you said anything to your therapist about you not being ready to go out on your own? I would tell them that if you are released you will be right back at the emergency room.
    My knew shrink is way off with me.He says I only suffer from paranoia. He keeps asking me if I hear voices? My old shrink said i'm depressed, anxiety, Panic attacks, irrational thoughts, mood swings, augoriphobia, and socialphobia.
    I would like to know why after two meetings he has changed my diagnosis? He didn't even remember me when I went to my second visit. I guess I will have to commit suicide to show him just what I am talking about.I told my therapist what is happening with me.
    He has changed my meds for depression,mood swings and anxiety, etc. I told my therapist what was happening and she agrees he is wrong. After three years of therapy she has gotten to know me pretty good.
    The meds he has put me on one is for depression the old med stopped working for me so that change I can live with.The other med is an antisycotic,used for skyzophrena. So you see you are not alone when it comes to help..Good Luck....
  13. bluegrey

    bluegrey Antiquities Friend

    I am not going to lie and say I don't wish my heart would just stop beating this very moment so I know how wanting to die feels. I've been battling, among many other problems brutal depression for twenty seven years yet I only made two suicide attempts in all of those years. The last one a few months ago- mid nervous breakdown, severely deprived of sleep and almost irrational.

    Downunder, you seem to be making attempts without any preceding severe compromise of mental faculties.You know unsuccessful suicide attempts often cause terrible physical injuries. PLEASE address your impulse control with your psychiatrist. You may remain unhappy and not wishing to live for the time being but please address the physical harm now.
  14. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    Stranger1 you may be getting me mixed up with middleofnowhere. I am just starting to see a psych, 3rd visit tomorrow. But I did have a counsellor that I was seeing for a year but she got burnt out and left, I really liked her and told her just about everything.

    Downunder, you seem to be making attempts without any preceding severe compromise of mental faculties. I am not sure what this sentence means.????

    Now my work place doctor, who makes the decisions about who can stay employed and who gets booted out sent me to see the psych doc for an evaluation and ongoing treatment. She has told the psych to put me on anti depressants. The psych was not sure whether I was depressed or greiving. She says I have a couple of symptoms of depression but then greiving and depression can be very similar but since I still have suicidal feelings after 16months after losing my daughter and harassment by the media, and harrasment by online bullying and harassment at work she thinks I may be depressed, but wouldn't these situations be enough to push anyone to the edge.

    With this psych I know whatever I tell her will go back to the workplace doctor so don't really trust her. I don't pay for the visits and she seems nice enough. I have even told her that it is a bit of conflict of interests and she agreed.

    I was feeling pretty low last Friday and got an item and got it ready but ended up going to bed and falling asleep at 6.00pm!!! My husband later found this item under the bed and has taken it away. I worry so much about him worrying about me, that I do try and hide it.

    He might dob me into welfare again at work. Sometimes I hope he does because I can't dob myself in. Too scared. Welfare know I am being bullied at work too. The counsellor actually approached them and asked how they could make my life easier at work as the conditions I am working under are intolerable according to them.
  15. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member


    What a trauma to lose your daughter. I'm so sorry for you and your family. I don't know what I'd do if I lost mine.

    Part of my depression is sadness. But I'm not sure my sadness would mean I'm depressed. There are all kinds of tests to assess depression. The trouble I've had is the fact that symptoms of one mental health issue are also symptoms of others, so diagnosis can be hard. There are tests to assess grief, as well, so don't let yourself get put in a box if you don't belong there.
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