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Feeling Too Much - BPD

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by chemicalromance, Apr 19, 2007.

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  1. I've just had my first psych consult. He told me that the reason I can't talk openly and honestly about my feelings is that I feel too much and run from my emotions. I've been convinced that I have BPD for a while now (triggered by bullying and isolation in junior high school, when I should have been discovering my identity and learning to build relationships). I'm reluctant to diagnose myself. I'm on a waiting list for psychotherapy, which could be a six month wait. I didn't ask for a diagnosis, and after only an hour of talking I would be wary of one so quickly. But since my problems are those of BPD, should I, while I wait the long wait for therapy, treat myself as having BPD? Should I read about it and learn how it is treated? Should I tell my family so they can understand why I am the way I am?

    Sorry that was a bit of a ramble, but putting a name to what is wrong with me would be helpful, especially if professional treatment is a long way off. Before I start therapy I have to learn to deal with my intense emotions so that I can be open and honest and talk without breaking down (seriously, what kind of shrink doesn't keep tissues in his office, I bawled my eyes out and my nose was dripping and it was embarrassing!), and isn't that part of BPD?
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ok, you can apply most of the BPD symptoms to anyone. Don't self diagnose, because then your brain can subconsciously morph to fit the symptoms. Also, BPD is mostly about when your personality forms, and how it forms, which is the formative years, i.e. younger children.

    To have BPD you have to have at least 6 of the 9 symptoms.

    The therapy will help you to learn how to deal with your emotions, and to be honest and open. Treating yourself is nearly impossible because the best treatment for BPD is DBT, which you can't do alone. Just try to hang on there, see your doc regularly.

    Your psych may not have come to a diagnosis yet, he may be waiting for the psychotherapist to confirm what he thinks, or something.

    But he will have put you in for therapy that is appropriate for you at this point. And the psychotherapist will tailor her therapy to you and your needs. Showing emotion is normal and therapists are used to it. The client is talking about such traumatic things, it's good if they cry. You might find if you try and treat yourself, you end up in a bigger mess than you are already.

    Take care of yourself
  3. Well, I definitely have 6 out of 9, maybe more. I usually hate people who self diagnose. But if learning about BPD helps me understand these symptoms, even if I don't understand the disorder itself, isn't that a good thing? Or should I just read about unstable relationships, unstable self image etc as separate problems? I need to learn as much as I can about these problems, whether or not they exclusively belong to BPD is irrelevant.

    I just want to cope, to get through and maybe improve until therapy begins. Six months is a long time and I've wasted so much of my life already.
    The shrink made such a big deal about how I have to be able to talk about my problems, I thought he wasn't going to offer any help at all.

    He didn't tell me what all of this means, or how to live with it, or how to survive. My only options right now are to improve/deal with my problems or die, because I refuse to live with these problems any longer.
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    They haven't said you have to wait 6 months, but said the wait could be UP TO 6 months, which means soemthing totally different. You COULD get a call next week, you just don't know.

    The psych may not have given you a diagnosis, but he has given you hope, which is a very powerful thing to get. You are going to receive help for your problem which makes you very lucky.

    If you want to know what the psych thinks, give it a couple of weeks and then go to your GP and talk to him about your psych assessment and ask if you can see the letter the psych sent. If there is a diagnosis, which there might not be, it might be on that letter.

    It's good that you can talk about your problems. Maybe between now and then, as opposed to focusing on BPD, maybe you could just try and get some temporary help and support, like joining support groups, or having free counselling, anything like that. If you are in the UK you might want to click on the saneline or MIND links because they can help you find help in your area. Not sure if they operate in NI, but it might be worth a try.
  5. I would feel a lot better if I knew what he thought, because I can't trust my own judgement. I'll have to look into getting a copy of his report. It would at least give me something to work with, something to write about in my journal just so I can deal with it in some small way. I just wish he had told me something, anything.
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Maybe he had nothing to tell after just one session. But yes, try and find out what he reported back to your doctor.

    Good luck

  7. I don't feel hopeful or lucky. I feel that I poured my heart out, my biggest secrets that I have never shared with anyone, and it was for nothing. Yes I'll get help but I get to waste another six months of my life in pain. It's not luck, it's what is supposed to happen when you're mentally ill, you're entitled to it. Luck would be getting the help I'm entitled to a lot quicker.

    Everyone tells me to deal with it, to go back out into the real world. They don't realise that the real world is the problem, I can't fix myself. I've tried. I've done everything and I'm sick and bloody tired of everyone thinking it's that easy or that I haven't made an effort. I am so sick and tired of this. I don't care if I sound ungrateful, I don't care if my suffering is tiny compared to the rest of the world because this is my life and I am lost. I'm ready to give up, I'm ready to die. I don't care anymore.
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If you were really ready to die, why did you go to the psych? What were you looking for from the appointment?

    Waiting lists happen for physical or mental health problems. Why not do as I suggested and find something to help you along in the months until you get help.

    You are right, it is not what people perceive the problem to be, it is how the problem feels to you. I actually had a though, there is a book that you can get that helps with CBT and thought processes (which can help with BPD), if you want the details, lets me know.

    I know you are frustrated, but try to see the positive that has come out of this,
    ~You have managed to be open and honest and got a result from that
    ~You are going to get some help (which is unfortunately hard to come by)
    ~The psych thinks that there IS hope for you, otherwise he would not have referred you on

    Those are three things for starters, and if you look you will see more because you know your situation better than everyone else.

    Be grateful that you are going to receive the help you want, because some people are not as lucky.
  9. Please don't tell me how lucky I am compared to everyone else, just feels like a guilt trip. It's not luck, it's the NHS.

    I've wasted so much time already. For months I've been telling myself that I just needed to survive until I saw the psych and now I have to wait again and it's exhausting. I don't know what I was expecting. I've been through the ringer with mental health services over the past few years. I'm a 23 year old freakshow who is better off dead.

    God, I'm sorry if I sound like an ungrateful brat. I don't mean to. But I can't stop crying and don't know what I'm feeling and I just want everything to go away so I can have a normal life.
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