Feeling too numb

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kiba, Nov 27, 2010.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Sigh.. Im just too numb somtimes.. Im not sure were exactly to post this thread cuz mostly this site deals with suicide.. But.. Somtimes I get so numb I just wana see somthing morbid.. or anything.. just to wake myself up.. Arg.. Its so Annoying.. Then I feel bad cuz Im laughing at stuff playing through my head.. and feel sick and terrible and just think Im a homicidal maniac.. Even tho Ive never hurt anyone physically... And then It can turn into self harm thinking!

    Arg.. does anyone else seem to get this way? Its like.. I re-play things Ive seen happen to people.. sigh.. Someone wake me up from these imagined morbid images!!
     
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    By numb do you mean something like this?

    ===========================

    As a writer, the best advice is to write about what you know because you can write about it in infinite details. So before it passes from my memory I shall write about my weekend. On Friday I was depressed which made me sad. I did not do my exercise that night and after dinner I went straight to bed.

    But the depression was awful and I could not fall asleep, instead I lie on my bed in darkness watching the red hellish lights playing out their intricate dance on the walls and ceilings. This went on for hours and way into the night.

    On Saturday, I spend the time in bed until 9:30am which was rather late for me. Yes I know that some people sleep until 11am, but I was not one of them.

    I got up and performed my usual actions, you know weight myself and took my blood glucose level and spent the time chatting on the suicide forum. There were two people there who were interested in my trip to Japan. I stay on the chat room too long until I finally left for lunch. I went to Springvale had lunch and bought myself $2.80 worth of oranges. Then I went back home and returned my books to the library as this would be my last week before Japan. As I walked out of the library, the depression got really bad and became emotionally numbing.

    In a normal depression, you feel sad and lacking in energy. You also feel that life is not worth living. A numbing depression is different. Emotionally you feel nothing. There is no desire. You do not feel sad, or angry or unhappiness or fear or even curiosity. This lack of feeling may seem nice because you do not feel any emotional pain but from a philosophical point of view, it is quite unnatural. You are aware of things happening around you but you simply lack feelings.

    For example: If I was on the railway tracks and a train is thundering towards me and I’m suicidally depression, I would feel the urge to walk towards the train. But if I’m experiencing Numbing Depression, I feel nothing. Not even fear, it is as if the train is meaningless and the sensations are not being registered by my brain. But on a higher level I can understand philosophically that danger from the train is approaching, but only at a philosophical level and not at the emotional or sensational level. It felt like as if my higher senses are running but my lower senses have been shutdown or highly attenuated. This kind of numbing depression have never been experienced by me before and it really felt foreign.

    And it last for a long time from the early afternoon all the way until I went to bed at 8pm. I went to bed early because I lack all passion to do anything else. And it is not just the mental feeling, physically I felt weak as well, like all my muscles are weak and could not function at their usual output. This is clearly not a good day.

    You would think that this close to my trip to Japan, I would feel excited but on Saturday I did not feel anything, certainly no excitement or eagerness or anticipation. I felt numb.
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I think Its just more like.. I want to see somthing.. like.. not the numb of feeling.. just feeling like nothing is happening.. tired of the same old rutine.. Wanting life to feel real and not stuck in a time stopped nightmare were Everything is "normal" Im not quite sure my exact feeling.. I guess its like when u cut u want to see the blood.. feel the rush..

    Maybe just wanting that rush I supose.. To feel like Im not just sitting and breathing.. To see somthing.. Just feel alive.. But.. Its not like I dont feel anything... Im just feeling a mix of emotions.. Its like.. Im mad and depressed and want someone to pay and feel my pain.. But more I just want to feel like Im in reality.. It always feels like Im the character of a book... Just.. I feel like my life is totally planned out.. and I want somthing other then the same old boring rutines.. :( I just want to feel like this world exists.. Like Im not the only one living in a dream or somthing..
     
  4. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Do you feel disconnected from life? As though it's going on all around you but not happening to you (if that makes sense?)
    What's your background? Are you on any meds etc? What's triggered these feelings?
     
  5. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Im not exactly sure all the feeling really.. its confusing.. And I think its stemming from 2 seperate events.. one, my childhood memorys comming back and two, I saw someone get killed a while back and since, Ive been getting these angry feelings about my childhood and these morbid images and like.. wanting somtimes to actually see then irl..
     
  6. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    It sounds like witnessing someone be killed has set off a bit of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and now you're spending too much time over on 'the dark side'. All those morbid thoughts are a result of how angry you are over your childhood.
    You probably have every right to be angry over your childhood but holding onto that anger isn't going to do you any good in the long run. You need to come to terms with it instead and move on.
    Wallowing in morbid thoughts is actually quite common. You need to talk about the root of the problem and get it all out. Then you need to make a conscious effort not to think the morbid thoughts - hard to do but it can be done.
    Is there someone you can talk to about your childhood? Do you want to talk about it on here? xxx
     
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I can talk about it, but its just not really been helping the mater much.. I haven't recovered all the memories yet.. and the memories just started coming back less then 4 months ago. I wish it would help, but it just seems like my OCD gets in the way too.. and I feel like no one can really relate well to my childhood or truly understand any of it..

    I want to talk about it.. just.. it seems to go in circles.. :'(
     
  8. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, so you've got OCD which can be helped so it's not the end of the world. You're just going to have to learn how to manage your recovery whilst managing the OCD. Not as easy as walking and chewing gum at the same time but it can be done.
    Yes, you're going to go around in circles at first. That's the nature of these things. All those thoughts and feelings flood your system and it's too much to cope with so you go round and round and round.
    It will pass though, I promise. You will make a breakthrough and break the circle. Its just going to take time.
    If you only started to recover the memories 4 months ago then you haven't allowed anywhere near enough time. This is going to take a lot longer than that. You're in for the long haul I'm afraid but if you survived the childhood then you can survive this as well.
    I'm sure that there are lots of people on this forum who will be able to relate to your childhood. I had an abusive childhood. It took me a long time to come to terms with it, but I did. So will you.
    Talk more! xxxx
     
  9. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    well, mine wasnt really abusive... I lived in a home with a handicapped brother as well as 2 other brothers.. all younger then me.. And I ended up taking resonsibility for my brothers early on.. like.. age 6 is about when I became depressed and shut off all emotion.. and in the end I began to not allow anything I wanted to mater or let myself feel anything because I wasnt importaint in my mind at the time.. basically always taking care of others and avoiding myself.. and in doing so I didnt ask my parents for toys.. didnt act like a kid.. didnt even understand other kids.. didnt understand emotion at all.. and I basically went without the attention I prob needed.. and ontop of that, I lived next door to two school bullies who would beat me up and I just wish I coulda stood up for myself and not allow them that.. not allow them to beat me.. but I just took it!.. sigh.. and then the kids at school all stayed away from us because we lived next to the bullys and because my handicapped brother.. And so, Basically.. I became a third parent to atleast my other 2 brothers who needed attention as well..
     
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry but in my book that's an abusive childhood. You were robbed of your childhood and that isn't acceptable. I appreciate that your parents were probably having a rough time but they should still have acted like parents to you. You were as much their child as your siblings. I'm not surprised that you're angry. You have every right to be angry. You deserved a childhood and you deserved parents who made sure that you got a childhood.
    If I were you, I'd be livid.
    As for the bullies, well we all meet them. We can't always stand up to them either. Sometimes it's too hard. You might not have dealt with them but I bet you'd deal with any bully that came into your life now. Put them in the past and leave them there. They're not worth another thought.
    Are you close to your family now?
     
  11. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Sorta yea.. But I just duno.. I feel like they betrayed me.. When I went into foster care.. they put me there.. its like.. they could help my handicapped brother and then when it came to me they couldnt help me.. And logically I understand.. but its just like.. I took care of my family and gave up myself.. and now they had put me into state care because I was having issues.. I mean Im finally out and on my own now.. and Im dealing ok.. but I just feel betrayed.. And I feel like I not only lost myself... It was like.. I took care of my bros like a parent and I feel like Ive lost my connection to my brothers in some way.. Like.. I missed a few years of them growing up.. :( Idk Just.. feel like I love them but also hate them..
     
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    They robbed you of your childhood and then put you in care when you had some issues (probably as a result?)
    I'd feel betrayed too. I think that's a perfectly normal reaction. I think its normal that you feel like you lost yourself too and your connection to your brothers. I definitely think its normal that you both love and hate them. In fact, all in all, I think all your responses are normal.
    This shouldn't have happened to you and I'm really sorry it did. You've now got the huge task of recovering from it all. You will recover though, as I said earlier, it's just going to take time.
    Having survived that childhood and being placed in care, I've got no doubt whatsoever that you'll survive the recovery process.
    Eventually you'll come to terms with it all and be able to have a good relationship with your family. Particularly your brothers because they haven't actually done anything wrong. I hope you'll get a good relationship with your parents too.
    In the meantime you're going to have to come to terms with it all. You've been seriously let down by your parents and isolated away from your siblings. That's really sad but it happened and nothing will change the fact that it happened. You need to start moving forward now. xxxx
     
  13. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I know, its just so hard when I get flashbacks of my past.. especially recently.. Its like.. I re-live my childhood only now I dont have that emotional block up and so my emotions become out of control! Was on the bus and saw a kid get spanked for doin somthin wrong.. and I used to every once in a while get that and on the bus I had to put my hood on and try not to look cuz it just made me feel really un-comfortable.. almost changed seats.. sigh.. Its just the small things that can trigger events.. :( Its like I want to know about my past but I dont want those feelings I bottled as a kid to be randomly coming up.. I mean I was 6 I think when I started the negative thinking about myself.. and I punished myself for any emotions I felt.. thus Its like I feel like I have to do the same thing now.. idk I try not to.. its just hard to allow the emotions because they are so strong.. And I wish I could limit them but its kinda an all or nothing.. and if someone even mentions seeing my emotions I automatically bottle it because its the response I used to use.. Its just difficult now to take the extreme emotions and channel them.. Was kicking a can outside once.. And ended up imagining it as one of the bullys.. and some kid yelled out the window tellin me to stop kickin the can.. And I just froze and shook like I did when I was a kid.. I used to shake.. not allowing the emotions.. And its just so difficult to release the emotion and not be told to stop.. At the same time I cant just command the emotion to appear when I want.. So I have to find ways in the moment that will work..
     
  14. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Controlling the emotions is hard. Especially when you first go into recovery. I've blocked out huge portions of my childhood and I've no intention of ever letting the memories loose. I made a conscious decision that 'that was then, this is now' and I don't visit the past (except the good bits) Basically you've got to accept that your childhood was crap and then move on. Nothing else you can do really.
    The important person is the one you are now, not the one you were then. Does that make sense to you?
    xxx
     
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