so the past two weeks have been possibly the worst. anniversary of an event. lots of reminders plus, if i may, messages from god that i need to kill myself because i am evil. for a week there i was incredibly teary, desperate, but ultimately couldn't go through with it. the other day two things happened (triggers) and something...snapped. i just became calm. i have totally accepted, and am at peace with, the fact i will die. i don't want help. i have always been terrified or ambivalent of death;not now. that fear that kept me here is gone. i feel relieved that i won't have to battle this anymore. the only thing that's keeping me here is trying to come to terms with how this will affect my parents. it is incredibly selfish and i think i may talk to someone just about this, but i don't want to stay alive. i've read the literature; hell i read books on suicide (i.e. kay redfield jamiesons book) to make myself feel more... comforted. i work in clinical practice so there's lots of medical stuff. i have been in a depression and i am coming out of it, i feel bursting with energy. i know this is the most dangerous time but i'm so relieved it's happened. there was a post about feeling euphoric when/during an attempt. i don't feel euphoric but i feel completely at peace....as opposed to completely feeling a mess of emotions and wanting to hurt myself. i don't feel distressed at all.