Feeling useless and trapped

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by reprehendiballs, Oct 8, 2010.

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  1. Not really sure how to write about this but..

    I have been married for almost 25 years now. For the last 5 years I have been a house husband, looking after our 2 children (now adults but still at home). I also have a part-time job driving a school bus for children with special needs.

    I recently started receiving medication for depression and it's having an effect on my ability to think straight, but now that I can think for myself I am beginning to realise I don't really have a life of my own.

    Since we moved to Bedford 10 years ago I have made no friends at all. I have no contacts in the local community and I feel completely trapped in my own home. We have 5 adults and my grandson living under one roof and I have no privacy without locking myself in the attic to get away.

    I have thought about getting out of the house, but if I were to leave then my family would not have the money to continue paying the mortgage so I would effectively be making my wife and children homeless. I would barely be earning enough to survive alone, far less pay additional money to my family to help support them.

    More and more I keep thinking about the fact that I am not having any kind of impact on society or my community so what is the point of being here anyway? I have life insurance that would pay off most of our mortgage if I were to die and I am increasingly considering that it might be better to simply find a quiet corner somewhere and take 2 months supply of xxxxs.

    I am scared to die really, not because of my life but because I know that my family would be upset. Nonetheless I wonder all the time whether it would not be for the best, they would adapt in time and money worries would be a thing of the past. If I leave they would be upset too, but their lives would be ruined at the same time.

    I can't talk to my family about this, my doctor has referred me for psychotherapy, but they have still not contacted me after 2 weeks and in any case I am not even sure I want them to talk me out of suicide anyway. At the moment I feel I am thinking logically. Since I am quite easily persuaded if I start talking to people they will use that to talk me into living this useless trapped existence.

    I'm not sure what I expect people here to say, not even sure I expect a response at all but if anyone can give me some reasons to keep going or a way forward, I would be grateful.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 8, 2010
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Welcome! Sounds like you have alot on your mind right now. Thing about depression is that we think we are being logical but the depression sneaks in and gives us options we wouldn't otherwise consider, ie. suicide. You life insurance cannot replace you to your family. No way. They would much rather have you than any amount of cash. Can you contact your GP and let him/her know that your suicidal feelings are much stronger? Sometimes that happens when you first start on anti-depressants. In an emergency you can jump all sorts of waiting lists and this, my friend, qualifies as an emergency. Hope you will stick around and post more, it really helps to share on the forum here as you consider all of your options. Welcome again.
     
  3. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Why are your adult children all staying at home with yal?
     
  4. I managed to contact my GP surgery and I have an appointment to see someone on Monday. They have agreed to maintain more contact until my full therapy treatment can commence.

    My children are still with us because they have nowhere else to go. It's not ideal for any of us, but housing shortages mean there are no other options.
     
  5. StarryNightSky

    StarryNightSky Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. I agree with dazzle, no amount of money can replace you.

    Don't know if you thought of this, but by killing yourself, you might also trigger depression in some of your family too, or make it worse if some of them already have it.

    Really hope you start feeling better soon.
     
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