Not really sure how to write about this but.. I have been married for almost 25 years now. For the last 5 years I have been a house husband, looking after our 2 children (now adults but still at home). I also have a part-time job driving a school bus for children with special needs. I recently started receiving medication for depression and it's having an effect on my ability to think straight, but now that I can think for myself I am beginning to realise I don't really have a life of my own. Since we moved to Bedford 10 years ago I have made no friends at all. I have no contacts in the local community and I feel completely trapped in my own home. We have 5 adults and my grandson living under one roof and I have no privacy without locking myself in the attic to get away. I have thought about getting out of the house, but if I were to leave then my family would not have the money to continue paying the mortgage so I would effectively be making my wife and children homeless. I would barely be earning enough to survive alone, far less pay additional money to my family to help support them. More and more I keep thinking about the fact that I am not having any kind of impact on society or my community so what is the point of being here anyway? I have life insurance that would pay off most of our mortgage if I were to die and I am increasingly considering that it might be better to simply find a quiet corner somewhere and take 2 months supply of xxxxs. I am scared to die really, not because of my life but because I know that my family would be upset. Nonetheless I wonder all the time whether it would not be for the best, they would adapt in time and money worries would be a thing of the past. If I leave they would be upset too, but their lives would be ruined at the same time. I can't talk to my family about this, my doctor has referred me for psychotherapy, but they have still not contacted me after 2 weeks and in any case I am not even sure I want them to talk me out of suicide anyway. At the moment I feel I am thinking logically. Since I am quite easily persuaded if I start talking to people they will use that to talk me into living this useless trapped existence. I'm not sure what I expect people here to say, not even sure I expect a response at all but if anyone can give me some reasons to keep going or a way forward, I would be grateful.