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Feeling useless

Aurores

Active Member
#1
I'm a completely useless person.

I'm about to get my Master's degree in a stupid useless field that isn't going to get me a job in this even stupider capitalist world that only values efficacy and profit.

Now some of you probably think, well you're able to go to university and even finish your studies, you're not doing that bad.

Except that I am. Every single week, I have maybe 1, max 2 days that are not completely shitty. The rest of the time I'm just sad, overwhelmed, scared, anxious. And I want to die so bad.

School assignments are a distraction that end up making me feel worse. I don't have anything else so I attach my identity to being a student. It's also a ridiculous and pathetic "game", where I try to please my professors by working hard, in order to get validation from them. But even if they give me good feedback, I don't really believe them. My anxious perfectionism might get me good grades now, but in reality, I'm an insecure loser that will not make it in the working world, because I'm supposed to create networks, be confident, walk into places and ask for work opportunities (because there for sure aren't many on job ad sites), all that stuff. It's not going to happen.

I've always wanted to do something useful. Well, I have the mental state of a sloth, I'm exhausted and the thought of even the simplest food drive volunteering makes me anxious. Maybe I'm just lazy? The only thing I manage to do is my school work; I look for fulfillment in that, but I can't find it because it's so freaking useless. But I do it anyway because of my desperate search for validation.

This probably doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate myself, I have absolutely no purpose, and I don't see how it could change - it's my own fault, my brain has been wired to be pathetic, insecure and awkward, and it makes me want to die. Today is a particularly bad day :(
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#4
Thanks. Yeah, I could use some suggestions, I feel like I can't think rationally at the moment.
Hey don't worry, or try not to (I know, easier said than done!)~ but I think you've a lot going for you - & I know the feeling you've got... Although I never accomplished a graduate degree or much of anything in the way of studies, I did once begin one. . . And what they told us there, was--I forget the exact percentage but it was drastic. Something like, "Take a look around the room. In 5 years 80% of your classmates will be out of business~ ..!)" Wowza? I thought, what have I got my self into? But you want to know what, that was also at or around the time for my "Prime Time," of mental illness to make its mark. And so therefore, even though I don't think or feel that it would've been the best, or right path for me. Had it have been, all I would have needed to do--again, as if it's that easy to accomplish, or achieve--is to get those things taken care of, or addressed. That being, my behavioral health. And then, hopefully, everything else will work itself out! Now, As for the job prospects, at least you've proven to future potential employers and whatnot, that you're capable of completing something so challenging, daunting, and difficult to attain, as a Master's degree. And it shows you're a dedicated hard worker. Because a lot of people, myself included... Quit_
 
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#5
You're welcome!

Firstly, I'd say if you have any advanced degree in an academic field, it's probably going to help you get any job, in so far as your degree is a sign of your ability to learn, write, and do research. It doesn't guarantee a good job, but it can help a lot.

While other factors are probably primarily responsible for how you are feeling at the moment, people typically feel worse in the winter, so you'll probably feel at least a little better when the winter is over.

Usually there's a way to make things better with the right treatment. I don't know what treatments you are getting now (if any), but adding or changing something might help. This link can connect you to some useful info.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

It sounds like therapy in particular might be helpful for you if you can find the right therapist.

my brain has been wired to be pathetic, insecure and awkward
You may be able to re-wire your brain. If you can't afford a therapist, or even if you can, there are a couple Cognitive Behavioral Therapy self-treatment books that might be worth reading. One is The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns, and another is Mind Over Mood (I haven't actually read either, but members here have recommended them).

www.thegradcafe.com has forums about graduate student issues. There are probably some folks in your field with similar concerns about employment, and it may be helpful to talk to them.

In principle, you might be eligible for vocational assistance for people with disabilities. If you qualify, they might be able to give you some free job training and advice on searching for jobs.

I hope something can help.

Hugs
 

Aurores

Active Member
#6
Hey don't worry, or try not to (I know, easier said than done!)~ but I think you've a lot going for you - & I know the feeling you've got... Although I never accomplished a graduate degree or much of anything in the way of studies, I did once begin one. . . And what they told us there, was--I forget the exact percentage but it was drastic. Something like, "Take a look around the room. In 5 years 80% of your classmates will be out of business~ ..!)" Wowza? I thought, what have I got my self into? But you want to know what, that was also at or around the time for my "Prime Time," of mental illness to make its mark. And so therefore, even though I don't think or feel that it would've been the best, or right path for me. Had it have been, all I would have needed to do--again, as if it's that easy to accomplish, or achieve--is to get those things taken care of, or addressed. That being, my behavioral health. And then, hopefully, everything else will work itself out! Now, As for the job prospects, at least you've proven to future potential employers and whatnot, that you're capable of completing something so challenging, daunting, and difficult to attain, as a Master's degree. And it shows you're a dedicated hard worker. Because a lot of people, myself included... Quit_
Hi, thank you for your reply. And thank you especially for saying that getting a Master's degree is challenging, daunting, and difficult - it really is. That actually made me feel better. I'm obviously struggling mostly because of my mental health issues, but your comment reminded me that what I'm doing is really hard and it's also normal to be affected by the pressure. Thank you again, I hope you'll find your own path as well.
 

Aurores

Active Member
#7
You're welcome!

Firstly, I'd say if you have any advanced degree in an academic field, it's probably going to help you get any job, in so far as your degree is a sign of your ability to learn, write, and do research. It doesn't guarantee a good job, but it can help a lot.

While other factors are probably primarily responsible for how you are feeling at the moment, people typically feel worse in the winter, so you'll probably feel at least a little better when the winter is over.

Usually there's a way to make things better with the right treatment. I don't know what treatments you are getting now (if any), but adding or changing something might help. This link can connect you to some useful info.

Treating Depression, Anxiety, Insomnia, Pain; Other Suicide Help

It sounds like therapy in particular might be helpful for you if you can find the right therapist.


You may be able to re-wire your brain. If you can't afford a therapist, or even if you can, there are a couple Cognitive Behavioral Therapy self-treatment books that might be worth reading. One is The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns, and another is Mind Over Mood (I haven't actually read either, but members here have recommended them).

www.thegradcafe.com has forums about graduate student issues. There are probably some folks in your field with similar concerns about employment, and it may be helpful to talk to them.

In principle, you might be eligible for vocational assistance for people with disabilities. If you qualify, they might be able to give you some free job training and advice on searching for jobs.

I hope something can help.

Hugs
Thank you for your reply. It gave me a lot to think about. I haven't thought about the value of having a degree in itself before. You are also probably right about the winter time having an effect (it's really rainy and gray where I live during the winter months).

I started therapy not long ago actually. It's been such a short while that I'm not exactly sure if it's helping yet, but I know these things can take time and I should just hang on and be patient with myself...

Thank you for the tips, links and book recommendations, I really appreciate it and I'll check them out definitely :)
 
#8
I started therapy not long ago actually. It's been such a short while that I'm not exactly sure if it's helping yet, but I know these things can take time and I should just hang on and be patient with myself...
It can take time to find a good therapist who is also a good match. I don't think you would have to necessarily stick with a particular therapist for long if you don't feel like it's helping, but it seems like in principle therapy might help you.
 
#9
I'm a completely useless person.

I've always wanted to do something useful. Well, I have the mental state of a sloth, I'm exhausted and the thought of even the simplest food drive volunteering makes me anxious. Maybe I'm just lazy? The only thing I manage to do is my school work; I look for fulfillment in that, but I can't find it because it's so freaking useless. But I do it anyway because of my desperate search for validation.

This probably doesn't make any sense, I'm sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I hate myself, I have absolutely no purpose, and I don't see how it could change - it's my own fault, my brain has been wired to be pathetic, insecure and awkward, and it makes me want to die. Today is a particularly bad day :(
What you eat can have a direct effect on your level of contentment.
(and your energy levels, outlook on life)

Most people never make this connection, or deny it's possibility.

Your brain has been wired by every morsel you've eaten.

A pathetic diet does not a good brain (or mood) make.

Clean up your diet and clean up your brain/mood.
 
#10
What you eat can have a direct effect on your level of contentment.
(and your energy levels, outlook on life)

Most people never make this connection, or deny it's possibility.

Your brain has been wired by every morsel you've eaten.

A pathetic diet does not a good brain (or mood) make.

Clean up your diet and clean up your brain/mood.

P.S. Talking to yourself in a positive way can't hurt either.

NOBODY able to handle all the complexities of college
is completely useless. (what you learn, OTOH .....)
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#11
Hi, thank you for your reply. And thank you especially for saying that getting a Master's degree is challenging, daunting, and difficult - it really is. That actually made me feel better. I'm obviously struggling mostly because of my mental health issues, but your comment reminded me that what I'm doing is really hard and it's also normal to be affected by the pressure. Thank you again, I hope you'll find your own path as well.
You're very Welcome, @Aurores ! : ) it's funny, I knew someone who went & got her Master's degree in one of the "pure," sciences at Harvard - (I can't remember which one?) . . . but upon her graduating, I remember asking her about it--& she goes, something to the effect ~"Best part is: now everyone's got to call me, 'Master!' ;)~." I think that, Life is a "test," in a way... & so, having gone through all the rigors of this program, will hopefully help you to be prepared for other 'exams,' out there--such as may be present in a future line of work. When the going gets tough, you don't want to be throwing in the towel, and quitting (something I have done, repeatedly; or more times than I'd care to admit!). But facing adversity, and having the experience, that "Yes... I've been here before, and I have conquered it! So, I know that I can do it (or so) again..:)" It takes time for the mental health issues to sort, or work themselves out. Usually, it gets if not better, easier to manage as you age (for instance my 30's were 10-X's easier, than my 20's!). :D And so, also~ with the professional help; another friend of mine who was in graduate school & also working on her master's; before going on to get her doctorate, had begun to see the local University's therapist on a "weekly-basis." I remember driving her over there one day even as the school, or campus seemed shut down for the Christmas Holidays, and asking her (foolishly, I now realize!) "Why do you feel the need to go so frequently?" Or, "Would it be the end of the world, if you missed but / or just one session?" And she goes, "no, I can't miss it, or any of them, becasue therapy is aplace where you can go & express all of how you're feeling about things: and (then) not have to be 'judged!'.." And it was that last bit, that for some reason or another--had always stuck with me! :^) So, it can be done. It just takes time, and effort. And not giving up, or into the feelings, as powerful & profound as they can sometimes be - & speak to us (or ourselves!). Best wishes to you-
 
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