Feeling very down right now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by therunner, Dec 22, 2009.

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  1. therunner

    therunner Member

    I have now felt depressed for longer than ever before in my life, and I am a very depressed person. I like to drink when I am sad to make my self not think, but when I drink I really want to kill myself. The more I drink the closer I feel I can actually do it. I am just drunk rambling right now. Just listening to Armor for Sleep What to do When You are Dead. I love that CD. Gets me through hard times. i hope it gets me through this night...
  2. Keep listening if you feel it helps. But reflecting on how you feel, especially inebriated, tends to make you feel this way. Alcohol is a depressant. Try to go do something else for the rest of the night if you can. Maybe talk about why you are feeling depressed. Keep posting.
  3. therunner

    therunner Member

    I am over going out. I am over trying to talk to people. I really prefer to be on my own now. If I am on my own no one can hurt me. Without relationships there is no drama. I prefer no emotional attachment to anything. I just like to live a one and drink away any bad thoughts that come in my head. I am a wreck, but at the same time I love it. I honestly don't care about anything right now. Fuck life. I don't care what happens to me now.
  4. But what happens when you sober up? You can't drink forever. Why punish yourself later just to avoid life now? Life will happen eventually, and as bitter as it sounds - it's the truth. You said you "drink to make yourself not think". but it sounds to me that your mind is going 100 miles per hour. The thought of killing yourself, is hardly not thinking. That's a big deal. You sound overwhelmed, let's talk about one thing at a time here. Relationship and or drama issues have you feeling a wreck?? Or is that only part of it? Try to explain? Sorry to bombard you with questions, just trying my best to hear you out. You don't need to include any details or anything you don't feel comfortable with.
  5. therunner

    therunner Member

    It is a combination of things that are making feel this way. My long time boyfriend broke up with me recently, and that was very hard to deal with. At the same time, I have been doing terribly with running, and running has been pretty much my life up to this point. To back up a bit, I run for UC Berkeley. These two things have cause me to stop caring about school and now I am failing my classes and will likely not be eligible to compete next semester, but in all honesty I just don't care anymore. I know I probably need to see someone. I probably should see a psychiatrist. I mean I have always had issues, but never this bad. My father killed himself when I was 9, which I like to blame for these issues, but really it is just me wanting to cast blame on someone else. I think I am a terrible person, and I constantly feel guilty about everything I do. I wish I could kill myself but unfortunately I have a mom that loves me and I just couldn't do that to her, especially after she has already lost her husband to suicide. So pretty much I am fucked. I just live my life reckless and carefree right now. I don't think about consequences. I just want to leave but can't. This is so frustrating. I am stuck in a world I hate.
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: Sounds like a rough ride for you sometimes! I'm sorry to hear that.

    Self-blame, trivializing our own issues, low self-esteem and guilt are often common symptoms in depression. I would be very surprised if a father's death (suicide or not) did NOT affect a 9-year-old! Very few people are truly "terrible", and like the guilt, it's probably the depression talking.

    It might be a good idea to find a counselor/therapist to talk to. They can help you find a path and set goals again so that you can take steps to get involved again in things that are important to you. They can also help you sift through the past and sort out the causes and effects and give you perspective on the role you played (if any) in the past events.

    Sounds like you and your mom love each other. Could you talk to her just to let her know you're feeling bogged down? She might be very supportive and be able to assist you with finding the right professional help.

    I hope things settle down for you soon. If you have holidays in the next week or two, you might want to do some nice things for yourself and relax a bit if you can. Then in the new year, you could start taking the little steps that will get you through all of the things weighing you down (e.g., find a therapist so you can start talking and setting new goals and get perspective on the issues you have).

    Also, please keep posting here. Sometimes just venting and being acknowledged/heard is helpful.

  7. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    maybe drinking isn't the best thing to do alone.
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