Feeling very low and contemplating suicide

Jezah81

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while. I don't think I know what to say, as words usually don't help my condition. I've tried everything within my means to heal both physically and mentally. I tried acupuncture, seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Tried two different antidepressants and CBT. nothing helps. Antidepressants have helped me sleep a little better even though the dreams wake me up mid sleep. I know my joints will just get worse and worse and I will never be able to do martial arts ever again which is what my mental well being revolves around. Nothing in life gives me as much joy as martial arts did . I don't like anything else and I can't force myself to enjoy anything else, I've tried . I can't work full time, I'm about $2000 in debt with my credit card because of a injection treatment I tried for about 5 weeks. I'm finally over it. Nothing is working. I'm tired of waking up everyday unable to enjoy myself. The situation with my girlfriend has gone from bad to worse. She's never had depression so she doesn't personally understand what I'm going through. My dad is has the same bullshit attitude that's it's not that bad, comparing me to my brother who has diabetes (so has it worse than me). I have a peaceful end of life method that I've stashed away for when this time would come . Please give me a valid reason why I shouldn't end my torture? I can't see myself living like this for the next few decades. I am forcing myself to go back and do security work 2 nights a week to make ends meat and pay off an unnecessary credit card debt that didn't achieve anything . It's a dangerous job for someone with my conditions. But I don't know what else I can do, this is all I've done all my life and nothing else interests me....I'm finally at my wits end
 

iloverachel

An outcast, forgotten and excluded by society
#2
I am here for you man. I really dont have much advice, i have also tried nearly everything with not much improvement.
Always here for a chat

Im also tired of this life, same hell everyday
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
i can't tell you that everything is going to be alright. i know how hard it is knowing that things are just going to get worse every year physically, and therefore making our mental health worse as well.

but i can tell you that you can make life worth living. it may be a different life but it can still be good. for me it's antique cars. i can't do nearly as much working on them but i adapted to still enjoy them some. maybe you can adapt your love for martial arts to something your body can handle. maybe teaching it or writing articles about it? i'm sorry that you're suffering but i hope you can find a way to not only live but live a better way.

mike...*hug*shake
 
#4
Sorry that things are so bad Jezah.

It sounds like staying on your current anti-depressant would be good if it's helping you sleep. You might want to try having the dose increased.

Can you get pain meds from your doctor? I guess you could try acupuncture again...it could take maybe 10 or more sessions before you start seeing results. Imho, I wouldn't see anyone that charged more than $50 per session, unless you had a lot of money to throw around.
 
#8
Hello Jezah. Reading your post brought me comfort to know someones in the same boat as me. I have joint pains and in a wheelchair, I have to get my partner to lift me off the toilet (I'm so useless). I too feel like no one understands the mental pain and because it's 'invisible' and that your mental pain doesn't matter. They don't understand.

I came to this site looking for something, I don't know what, and came across your post. You've given me comfort to read that someone feels similar to what I do right now, when I was in a place thinking I'm completely alone.

I'm not going to say that everythings going to be okay, because maybe life will get more challenging. But being present in this moment and living is an accomplishment itself.

If I can get through this next night, do you want to try and get through the next few together? Give each other hope?
 

Jezah81

Well-Known Member
#10
Hello Jezah. Reading your post brought me comfort to know someones in the same boat as me. I have joint pains and in a wheelchair, I have to get my partner to lift me off the toilet (I'm so useless). I too feel like no one understands the mental pain and because it's 'invisible' and that your mental pain doesn't matter. They don't understand.

I came to this site looking for something, I don't know what, and came across your post. You've given me comfort to read that someone feels similar to what I do right now, when I was in a place thinking I'm completely alone.

I'm not going to say that everythings going to be okay, because maybe life will get more challenging. But being present in this moment and living is an accomplishment itself.

If I can get through this next night, do you want to try and get through the next few together? Give each other hope?
Reading this has given me some comfort , tbh. I want to be happy and get through this. I just don't know how much more I can take . Everything is going wrong atm. Finances, joints, relationship with my gf. I don't know what else i can do. I just zonked out on triple of meds dose and some alcohol. That way I sleep and don't feel anything
 

Nwk

New Member
#12
Hi Jezah. I’m so sorry to hear how awful you’re feeling. I get it - I do martial arts too. It’s a really important part of my life. But reading your post made me think about how, if I can enjoy something that much, and know that I enjoy it, there must be some sense of hope that I can enjoy other things just as much. The problem with suicide is that it completely denies us the opportunity to ever discover what those things might be.
I’m in a dark place myself, but strangely, reading your post, I felt comforted to know that someone else was being so brave and honest about how they’re feeling. So in a funny way, the fact that you’re alive has actually helped someone out just now. Probably others too.
The circumstances you’re describing sound really tough, but honestly, they are just circumstances, and every moment that goes by is an opportunity to heal and recover. Suicide cuts off any chance of that.
I can’t promise you that everything will be great all of a sudden, but I can promise that you won’t always feel the way you do right now.
Please give yourself a chance.
And thanks for helping me with your honesty.
 

Jezah81

Well-Known Member
#14
Hi Jezah. I’m so sorry to hear how awful you’re feeling. I get it - I do martial arts too. It’s a really important part of my life. But reading your post made me think about how, if I can enjoy something that much, and know that I enjoy it, there must be some sense of hope that I can enjoy other things just as much. The problem with suicide is that it completely denies us the opportunity to ever discover what those things might be.
I’m in a dark place myself, but strangely, reading your post, I felt comforted to know that someone else was being so brave and honest about how they’re feeling. So in a funny way, the fact that you’re alive has actually helped someone out just now. Probably others too.
The circumstances you’re describing sound really tough, but honestly, they are just circumstances, and every moment that goes by is an opportunity to heal and recover. Suicide cuts off any chance of that.
I can’t promise you that everything will be great all of a sudden, but I can promise that you won’t always feel the way you do right now.
Please give yourself a chance.
And thanks for helping me with your honesty.
Your words mean a lot to me. It's just hard to not have the thing that means the most to fall back on in tough times. I always had my martial arts to keep my chin up when I had relationship breakdowns or money problems or whatever. It was always something I had to fall back on mentally. I just feel so lost now as to what to do when everything including my body is falling apart
 

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#15
Your words mean a lot to me. It's just hard to not have the thing that means the most to fall back on in tough times. I always had my martial arts to keep my chin up when I had relationship breakdowns or money problems or whatever. It was always something I had to fall back on mentally. I just feel so lost now as to what to do when everything including my body is falling apart
Martial arts is something I always enjoyed when I did a good amount of practice and still do at times. I love the discipline aspect and the direction it imparts. I know that feeling about the body going as I get older. Noticing the aches and pains and things not going as easy as in earlier times.
 

Jezah81

Well-Known Member
#16
Martial arts is something I always enjoyed when I did a good amount of practice and still do at times. I love the discipline aspect and the direction it imparts. I know that feeling about the body going as I get older. Noticing the aches and pains and things not going as easy as in earlier times.
I did most of my joint damage in my 20s and 30s , what i thought were nothing back then have turned into big joint damage now.
 

Aves

Well-Known Member
#17
Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a while. I don't think I know what to say, as words usually don't help my condition. I've tried everything within my means to heal both physically and mentally. I tried acupuncture, seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist. Tried two different antidepressants and CBT. nothing helps. Antidepressants have helped me sleep a little better even though the dreams wake me up mid sleep. I know my joints will just get worse and worse and I will never be able to do martial arts ever again which is what my mental well being revolves around. Nothing in life gives me as much joy as martial arts did . I don't like anything else and I can't force myself to enjoy anything else, I've tried . I can't work full time, I'm about $2000 in debt with my credit card because of a injection treatment I tried for about 5 weeks. I'm finally over it. Nothing is working. I'm tired of waking up everyday unable to enjoy myself. The situation with my girlfriend has gone from bad to worse. She's never had depression so she doesn't personally understand what I'm going through. My dad is has the same bullshit attitude that's it's not that bad, comparing me to my brother who has diabetes (so has it worse than me). I have a peaceful end of life method that I've stashed away for when this time would come . Please give me a valid reason why I shouldn't end my torture? I can't see myself living like this for the next few decades. I am forcing myself to go back and do security work 2 nights a week to make ends meat and pay off an unnecessary credit card debt that didn't achieve anything . It's a dangerous job for someone with my conditions. But I don't know what else I can do, this is all I've done all my life and nothing else interests me....I'm finally at my wits end
Hi @Jezah81, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad at the moment. I was just wondering with regards to antidepressants, have you tried sertraline (Zoloft)? I had people recommend it to me and I took it for 4 to 5 years before it stopped having an effect but I only think that’s because I needed a mood stabiliser along with it. For me, it worked wonders and I’ve actually started to take it again for pms (I’m sorry for over sharing with that one there lol). I’m afraid I can’t suggest anything for your physical problems but just thought I would suggest sertraline because I know so many people who have had success with it including myself. I also did hypnotherapy sessions before the pandemic hit the U.K and felt like that helped me a lot, it’s not for everyone and I will admit that I chose to do it as a last resort. I was pleasantly surprised though when I realised that it did have some positive effect on my mood. I hope things start to get better for you soon.
 

Ash-Ash

Active Member
#18
Your words mean a lot to me. It's just hard to not have the thing that means the most to fall back on in tough times. I always had my martial arts to keep my chin up when I had relationship breakdowns or money problems or whatever. It was always something I had to fall back on mentally. I just feel so lost now as to what to do when everything including my body is falling apart
Hi Jez, thought I'd mention a friend of mine is into martial arts, he loves the way it connects mind and body. He started meditating a few years back, and now incorporates it into his daily routine. It is now crucial to his M.A , he finds it helps massively. You might want to look into meditation - it can open up a new world.
 
#20
Jezah, I really empathize with the feelings of despair and hopelessness. Depression brings on so many other heavy feelings.

It is comforting that you are posting here and reaching-out. The people here are so kind and supportive.

I am also really in awe of your raw honesty and courage. One day at a time is my constant mantra. I hope that can bring you strength and resilience too until you can find constructive solutions to your pain.

Sending you strength and hope. Thank you for sharing here. Your words really touched me.
 

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