Feeling weary of life

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alison_C_C, Jan 16, 2015.

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  1. Alison_C_C

    Alison_C_C New Member

    I've been thinking about this for some time and now feel a need to discuss it.

    Let me state at the outset I am not in anyway depressed, just feeling very realistic about my future, and very weary of life. I am 71 years old, born with Gender Identity Dysphoria and Autism. Neither of which was easily diagnosable when I was young. My father came back from WWII with Chronic Bronchitis and Emphasema. As there was little in the way of welfare in the UK in the 1940/50's we survived just. Seeing specialists for odd-ball children wasn't an option.

    My parents put me in the armed forces (RAF) at the age of 15 because they couldn't cope with my strange ways, which is what parents did in those days. I was actually diagnosed quite late in life with GID and Asperger's Syndrome. This was after a lifetime of fighting and coping with both. The GID meant that I had little libido and have never been driven by the sexual imperative, and the Autism/Asperger's made any attempted friendships non-existent. So overall an incredibly lonely life. In truth have never had any friends to speak of, and with little expectation of ever living to be old I made little provision for same.

    Many years ago I read of older people within the Inuit people (Eskimos) whom when they felt thay could no longer contribute to the tribe would walk out into the snow at night to be found the next morning deceased. I have never seen myself as a victim. People of my generation just got on with life and tried to make the best of any situation. Well I have done this to the best of my ability.

    So my question is "At what point can a person say I gave it my best shot and now I'm weary of life". I am in the process of getting my affairs in order, and don't believe in miracles thus of the opinion that perhaps it's time to call it quits. Not looking for sympathy, empathy or whatever, just a logical answer to the question posed. When can a person quite legitimately say "I have had enough, very little has been enjoyable and have no expectations of it improving"?
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there Alison,

    I think it's hard for me to comment because I am still so young so I can't really say "I know how you feel", because I don't. But I am a nurse who looks after people who are aged 65+ with the majority being in their 80's and 90's. I see some patients who have just given up on life because of their failing health and their total dependence on other people, and I see others who still have everything to throw at life despite their health problems, and others who know they are dying who are making the most of the time they have left with their friends and family. I had one patient who was 99 who had been skydiving on her 97th birthday, and planned to do it again on their 100th birthday! I see other older people still doing wild and some extraordinary things that even I wouldn't have the guts to do. Maybe it's time where you start doing things you wouldn't normally do and start doing things that are more for you, things you might enjoy. It may be worth a shot.
  3. deb22

    deb22 Well-Known Member

    Alison, very interesting post. I say interesting because except for the autism I could have wrote this word for word. Now I am on this site for my own reasons so take everything I say with a grain of salt. I am 52 but have always related to older people ,I don't know why I just do. I too am weary and do not wish to start my life over or continue without friends. I just recently decided to take the questions off the table and just live day to day until. No pressure, no goals, just continue. Surprisingly it has removed the suicidal thoughts on most days and I do not feel the need to even go their in my mind as I am just living and continuing on. Now the autism may not allow for that type of thinking ,I don't know. Give yourself the gift of freedom, say, do, feel however you want at any given moment and just be. It sounds maybe stupid and simple but I don't care it works.
    As far as contributing goes, the amount and whom you contribute to is up to you. You have already helped me just by reading your post so I think the Inuit walk is out for today at least Lol, and I live in Canada so it is an option.
  4. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Alison--I think everyone should have the right to decide when it's their time to go. I'm 20 years younger than you but have had arthritis for 20 years already and things are just getting worse. Have no friends--which is no big deal to me but am now alienated from entire family.
  5. Alison_C_C

    Alison_C_C New Member

    Thank you for all your kind words - greatly appreciated. Would like to throw a few thoughts into the mixing bowl.

    Homo Sapiens are essentially a gregarious species, and I am of the opinion that for the larger proportion it's the "telling" of deeds and events not the "doing" that generates the most satisfaction. This applying irrespective of age. Doesn't matter whether you spend your time bungy jumping, as someone wrote, or visiting art galleries, being able to tell someone about it is what makes it worthwhile.

    I play a lot of golf - walking the course and invariably alone. Every so often I will hit a truly brilliant shot, and what creates the most pain is my inability to tell anyone about it. When I should be filled with joy at what I had accomplished, I am more likely to be weeping with the thoughts that I have no one to tell. No one interested.

    The more I think abut it the more I am so absolutely convinced that loneliness is the scourge of the 20/21st centuries. It doesn't seem to matter whether you have had a good day or a bad one, the need to tell someone about it is what makes us human. And what motivates us to continue living.

    Currently lots of talk down here in Australia about domestic violence and abusive relationships, with all sorts of "experts" stating their inability to understand why, mainly women, choose to stay in them. They wouldn't have clue. In simple terms any relationship is better than no relationship.

    Whilst there are many Samaritans and the like available via the phone to call when depressed or suicidal, I suspect that well-meaning do gooders whose primary concern is earning brownie points for their afterlife, and who totally fail to grasp the inherent complexities of a situation are a common occurrence on these facilities. It's not the occasional conversation that makes the difference, it's having someone there in a continuing relationship.

    Repeating if one accepts the premise that "it's the telling of deeds and events not the doing that generates the most satisfaction", then I suspect that many who end up here may be similarly afflicted by virtue of their loneliness.

    Forums like this are a good starting point, but for people like me a trans woman with no libido, and Asperger's, unable to make small talk and with limited communication skills, hard to see any solution.

  6. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    totally agree with you
  7. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    You are going to make me want to reread the Dune series.

    My daughter has become very involved with the LGBTQ community at her college. I knew it was bad for a lot of these kids but I did not know how bad. The rate of homelessness and suicide is staggering. Most of these kids are kicked out of their homes and have no support. I am sure you understand the pain they are going through.

    Have you thought about helping some of these people? For some just meeting you would give them some hope for the future.

    From the sounds of your writing I do not think you are giving yourself credit for coping with your Aspergers. You are very good at communicating.
  8. Akela

    Akela Member

    This is a question that still haunts me to this day; especially since I've yet to hit the age of 30. When IS it appropriate? Shouldn't we have the right to make that decision ourselves without judgment?
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Alison - I really liked your posts. You write the way I think. I would really like to talk with you, so I hope you return to the forum soon.
  10. KatePerk

    KatePerk Account Closed

    Hi Alison, just wondering how are you, hoping to hear from you soon.
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